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Mark’s quiet for a moment, but he looks confused.

“The guy who got into a fight with Sawyer?” I nod.

“Yeah, he um, he approached me a week ago. He was pissed that he was off the team and basically was just talking shit to me because he saw us together. I yelled back.” His voice is wooden, and I feel like shit.

Of course Mark would fight back if someone talked shit about us.

“I’m sorry.” Mark chews his bottom lip like he wants to say something but just nods. There’s a faraway look in his eyes, and I hate that my distrust may have caused it. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to accuse you of something, it’s just—”

“No, hey . . .” Mark smiles more genuinely now. “No harm, alright? I get it. He’s a piece of shit. I’d be suspicious too.”

“No, no.” I grab for his hand, pulling him into me. “I wasn’t suspicious, I just thought it was weird you didn’t mention it.”

Mark shrugs but softens in my hold. “I know he upsets you. I didn’t want to upset you.” That makes me smile, and he leans down to kiss me. The front door swings open and we pull apart. “Get it, Hunter! OW OW!” Bri squeals from the door.

Shaking my head, I can’t help the wide grin that splits over my face.

Bri comes bouncing out of the house, running up and attacking me with a hug.

I let the warm smell of jasmine invade my nose, hugging her close.

I haven’t seen her since she went back to cosmetology school over the summer, and fuck, I’ve missed her.

Bri is the light in all the darkness we’ve experienced this year.

Xavi walks up to me and gives me a quick hug, and I definitely notice the absence of someone probably sulking inside the house.

“This is Mark, my boyfriend.” He shakes Xavi’s hand, but Bri rolls her eyes, pulling him in for his own hug. “This is Bri . . . and Xavi, Jamie’s brother.”

“Brother?”

“Adopted brother,” Xavi corrects.

“He’s hot,” Bri leans in to whisper at me, and I see Mark blush.

“Where is—”

“In the house,” Bri and Xavi both say.

“He’s sulking,” Bri adds, but with none of the teasing lilt.

“Would you guys mind taking Mark out back? I’m going to talk to Jamie real quick.

” I squeeze Mark’s arm. “Do you mind? I just want to see him.” Mark takes a moment but then nods, throwing on a smile.

Before I can say anything, Bri’s already looped her arm through Mark’s and is carrying him away.

“If she brings out a baby-blue toolbox, run for your life.”

I smile as she holds up a middle finger and carries my boyfriend off.

“Can I come in?” Jamie’s lying on his back, his hands under his head, starring at the ceiling, and seeing him on the full-sized bed almost makes me laugh at how big he is.

Jamie’s six feet tall and broad as hell.

I’m not sure why he got himself this bed when the queen bed sat unused until I moved in.

I’d offered to switch but he didn’t want to, maybe because it was supposed to be hers.

I walk in without waiting for an answer and take in the black walls.

He’d painted them three months after he’d gotten home from the hospital, and the agony he was in afterwards still haunts me to this day.

Thinking about what Mark said about Noah earlier makes me wonder about Jamie.

Looking at him now, no one would believe the easygoing guy he’d been before, exactly a year ago today.

When I first met him, we were in high school, and he was the new kid that everyone whispered about.

There were mentions of foster homes and abuse, but Luci made sure to include him in everything and not let anyone give him shit.

She was his protector, and in Jamie’s eyes—and his eyes alone—he’d failed her. “What do you want?”

“Just seeing how you’re doing. Are you going to come out later?”

Jamie’s quiet for a moment, still not looking at me, and from here I can see the faint sheen of his eyes.

“Did you bring the boyfriend?” I ignore the tone in which he says that.

Jamie likes to use being a dick as a shield against talking about anything meaningful.

If he pisses people off, they’ll leave him alone.

Too bad for him we’re all immune to the bullshit.

“Yes, I brought Mark .” I walk over to his bed, ignoring his scowl as I sit next to him. “Don’t be a dick, please. I really like him.”

“You know nothing about him.”

“Jamie—”

“Whatever, it doesn’t matter.”

I can’t let it go, but I’m starting to get irritated.

“I do know him,” I correct. “He’s funny, and sweet.

Freaky smart. Really fierce. Nerdy. So, so nerdy.

” God, I love his spicy attitude. I love the animated way he gets when he’s talking about his games.

How sweet he is, and he doesn’t even realize it.

I love the way he tries to take care of me, and while I do feel uneasy about being so broke, Mark has never made me feel bad when we go out and I can’t afford to buy him food.

Every night he calls me and asks how my day is, and let’s me sleep if I’m tired.

He even asks how Jamie is doing, but I’m sure that will do shit all to impress my friend. “I think I love him.”

That snaps Jamie’s attention to me, and he looks like he wants to say something, but he just shakes his head and gets up. I move as he swings his legs over the bed then scrubs his face. “I feel like shit.”

“Like . . . emotionally, physically, mentally . . . ?”

“Yes.”

“You smoked?”

Jamie looks up at me, then rolls onto his side toward me.

He’s always been a smoker, but lately it seems like it’s all day every day.

“I feel hungover.” Which means he overdid it.

I dare a bit, reaching out to touch his back, and Jamie hisses but doesn’t flinch away from me.

Gently I rub, sitting in this sort of awkward truce we have going.

“Sometimes I want to die,” he says quietly.

I snatch my hand away and Jamie looks at me, his eyes still red and hazy in the way they get when he’s smoked, so maybe it’s not from crying.

Fuck, it’s probably both if I’m honest with myself.

“Then I remember that I’ve already done enough to my mother, and I know I can’t. ”

“Please don’t talk like that,” I say softly. “You know we love you. That would destroy us.” Losing Luci was bad enough. I don’t think Lia would survive losing Jamie as well. Fuck, none of us would. “Xavi doesn’t deserve that either.”

Jamie sighs, shaking his head. “He’d be better off without me.”

“None of us would be better off.”

“I’m so tired, Hunter.” Jamie’s lip begins to shake. “I’m so fucking tired. I can’t fucking sleep, though. Every time I close my eyes I see her. She’s staring right at me. Unblinking. The light sucked from her expressionless eyes. I just want to sleep. I just want—”

“Hey.” I look up, seeing Mark in the doorway.

“Sorry uh, I was trying to find the bath . . . room.” I pull my hand away from Jamie and throw on a smile, my brain trying to catch up to the change in conversation while letting Jamie’s words sink in.

I wish I could take away the pain he feels, but I can’t.

None of us can. All we can do is be here, and that right there is exactly why none of us leave.

It’s what he wants, but we all refuse to be more people who’ve let him down.

“Right across the hall, babe. To the left,” I say softly.

“Uh, thanks.” Mark looks at us both and I silently will him not to say anything. My telepathy sucks, though. “You guys alright?”

“We’re fine!” Jamie snaps at him. “Now that you know where my room is, stay out of it,” he growls and fuck, sometimes, I swear I want to punch him sometimes. Since violence isn’t the answer here I swallow it.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, babe. I’ll be right out.” Mark swallows hard, nodding and giving me one last look before going to the bathroom.

“You need to try and be nice to him.”

“He doesn’t need to be here; he didn’t even know her.”

“He knows me, Jamie, and I want him here, and I wanted Bri and Xavi to meet him.” He just shakes his head, rolling away, and it’s times like now that make this so hard. “I know it’s soon but . . .” I look back at the door making sure Mark’s not waiting for me. “I think I love him.” No, I know I do.

“Barely know him,” he grumbles, shaking his head.

“Whatever. As long as you’re happy.” I ignore the tone that contradicts those words.

One day I may get him back, but not today, maybe not even this year or the next, but I have to believe that one day my best friend will find a fraction of the person he used to be.

I leave this conversation for now, getting up and walking to the door.

I look back, watching him now facing away from me.

“You better be outside in a bit.” I hear footsteps as Mark hesitantly stands outside the door.

Jamie doesn’t meet my eyes and it’s my turn to give up, turning away from him and following Mark to the back porch. “Everything okay?”

“I’m alright,” I lie. Nothing is alright. I’m starting to think it never will be again.