Page 44

“The firework, obviously, I wish I hadn’t .

. . but then again, if I hadn’t been there, no one would have suspected Derrick.

No one would have known. At least not for a while.

” Taking a deep breath, he steadies himself.

“I regret not letting you know I had suspicions, but I was afraid you wouldn’t believe me and that you’d turn me in,” he says to Sawyer.

“I regret that, and I regret hurting you,” he says to me.

“But I don’t regret being with you. If I hadn’t agreed to this, I wouldn’t have talked to you.

I wouldn’t have thought for a second that you might want me.

That first night, at the vending machine, I felt something with you.

There was something there. I was scared and sick of being hurt again.

If he hadn’t threatened me, when I saw you that morning at my door I would have turned you away.

I’m so fucking sorry. I will never forget this, or you.

” Pressing his hands to his eyes, he shakes his head.

“I love you so much. I’m so sorry I lied.

” He stands up, looking at Sawyer. “If your mom needs any help cleaning or rebuilding, please let me know. I want to help her, in any way I can.”

“Thanks.” Sawyer blinks before looking at me. I ignore him though. I can’t move or breathe. He gets up, and a tiny part of me starts to panic.

Pausing by the door, Mark turns to me. “I know I hurt you, but I know you’ll find someone so much better. You deserve someone incredible. You’re the best person I know.”

I can’t move, I can’t think. Sawyer must sense this because he stands and leads Mark out of the room. When he shuts the door behind him I can barely control the sob that bubbles out of my chest. “I’m so sorry.” Sawyer sits back on my bed, squeezing the back of my neck.

I don’t know what to do. How to feel. “I hate him.”

He rubs circles across my back. “Love can feel like that sometimes, but can I give you my expert opinion before you tell me to mind my own business?” I laugh, lying back down on the bed. Between the emotional and physical pain I’ve been in all week, I’m exhausted. “I think he’s being genuine.”

“He used me and lied to me.”

“Yeah, but that didn’t seem fake to me. That seemed pretty fucking real.”

“He’s a liar and an asshole.”

Sawyer shakes his head. “It’s hard for me because I get it.

I know more than most people how hard it was to get Derrick’s charges to stick from what happened to Jane.

For me, I knew it was going to be me verses the rich white kid with a fucking cop for a father.

He wouldn’t have been charged if it wasn’t for Mark trying to find proof.

The system is fucked. I’m thankful he helped me out.

Makes me a little soft toward him.” He laughs.

“So, you’re saying I was collateral damage?”

“No. What I’m saying is life is fucked up.

It’s just not fair most of the time. I think we get ourselves into situations that spiral before our eyes, and it can be hard to find a way out.

I’m saying, from what I just saw and the situation, I think he thought he was doing what was best. While he may have been forced, that wasn’t fake.

That all seems genuine. I think he was stuck and trying to find a way out.

Then he blew it all up to save Noah, right? ”

“Yeah, he did. Without a thought.”

Sawyer smiles. “I think it was really brave of him to risk something that was special to save his friend. He lied to you because he was trying his best to keep his head above water. We both know what it feels like to drown.”

“I wouldn’t use anyone like that.”

“No, but we’ve never been put in a situation where our lives are on the line and one wrong move could have you wrongfully convicted.

Could you imagine if he’d just gone with it and turned himself in?

Then Derrick would have gotten away with it and hurt more people.

There’s no getting out of this now. He’s going away for a long time. ”

“More girls have come forward, and two guys from the hockey team.”

“I saw.” Sawyer nods. “I hate this. I hate how he was able to just get away with shit. I hope all his victims get help, and I hope he doesn’t see daylight for a long time.

” Sawyer sighs, lying down next to me. “We can’t know what we’d do in a situation like that, and you can be upset he lied to you .

. .” He hugs me. “But don’t be upset because you think it was fake. I don’t think it was.”

“How can I even do this again with him?”

“Do you love him?” I swallow but can’t hold back, nodding. “Well then, you can sit here and be miserable or attempt to build back some trust. I think he’s being genuine.”

“Are you a human lie detector?”

“I can sense bullshit when I see it.”

“Yeah. We’ll see when you get a boyfriend. See how understanding you are when he lies to you.”

“Um, excuse me, I am too fucking busy for bullshit like that, and my future man will not lie to me.” He preens. “I can see bullshit a mile away.”

“I’ll remember that.” Shaking my head, it starts to throb.

“If it makes you feel better, I punched him.”

“What?”

“I did. Thankfully didn’t break his nose.” Sawyer grins.

“You’ve gotta stop punching people, especially my boyfriend.”

“Baking is a physical job! It’s not for the weak. I have strong hands. I did some damage I think.”

“You shouldn’t have done that.”

“Your boyfriend, huh?” Sawyer smirks. “Are you going to sit here and snot on me some more, or are you going to get your man back?” I pull myself up to sit carefully, swinging my leg over the side of the bed.

This brace helps a little, but I have to be careful.

I’m not going anywhere today, but I can get out of bed, though—that’s a start.

I can shower and get dressed, and start to actually process the last few weeks.

Maybe Jamie would want to watch a movie . . .

Anything but lying in bed and feeling sorry for myself.

“I need a shower.”

“Oh yeah, so on board with that.” He helps me stand and I grab my crutch.

I’ve helped Jamie shower a few times since his accident, maybe I’ll cash in the favor.

There are so many things going through my mind right now, but I need time to think.

Maybe it makes me stupid, but I don’t care.

While there is a lot going on inside my brain, there’s one thought that outweighs them all.

I love him and we aren’t done just yet.