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Chapter Forty-Five

Theodore

“Theo, I’m just trying to understand…” Marianne’s words sound underwater.

We’ve been up all night, and though I was grateful for her being so calm over this entire thing, part of me wishes she would throw things and scream at me.

Make me feel how badly I fucked up. I don’t deserve her kindness, and I certainly don’t deserve forgiveness from her or from Tobias.

That doesn’t mean I don’t want it or that I won’t do anything for it, but I know for sure it's not what I deserve.

I knew I should have handled this whole thing differently, but I was just… scared. Of losing everything. But that happened anyway.

“I don’t know how to explain it to you when I don’t understand it myself,” I say.

It’s the same thing I’ve been saying all night.

She wants answers; I don’t have any. I keep apologizing and saying the same thing in different ways.

I get she wants to understand, but can’t she accept that I don’t have an answer?

That I'm too fucked up over losing Tobias that the last thing I want to talk about is why I was with a man.

She sits beside me on the couch, taking my hand.

“Theo, look at me.”

With a heavy sigh, I turn to look at her. She’s as tired as I am.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I just stare, not giving her an answer because I feel like it’s obvious. “We were friends long before we were this. I thought… I guess I thought you could talk to me about anything.”

I let her words sink in before I say something back.

“How do I talk to you about this, Marianne? How do I tell you that I’m making a decision that will ruin both our lives?”

“Just like that?” She breathes out a sad laugh. “At least let me help you through this. We could have figured it out together. Blindsiding me was… not right.”

“None of this is right, Marianne, and I didn’t do that on purpose. You weren’t supposed to be here until next week.”

She sighs, letting her head fall back on her shoulders, and then she leans to the back of the couch. I rest my elbows on my knees and cover my face.

I’m tired. Bone-deep exhaustion. All I want to do is sleep, but every time I close my eyes, I see him and then I want to go to him.

I want to call him and text him, but Marianne looks at me weird whenever I even glance at my phone.

I called him a hundred times earlier and only stopped because she told me I was acting crazy.

I can only put out one fire at a time, and I guess this is the one that needs my focus.

Marianne needs my focus. As much as I’m worried about Tobias and the way I hurt him, Marianne deserves this from me.

I fucked up so badly, and this is the first step in righting it.

Because if I ever want a chance with Tobias again, I need to figure this all out.

It starts here, in my own life, not with him.

“I fucked up, okay? I get that,” I finally say, unable to take the silence anymore.

“Do you love him?” she asks softly.

I drop my hands and turn to look at her. There’s a frown on her soft face, and nothing but concern in her eyes.

“Do you love him?” she repeats. All I can do is blink. Chewing on her lip, she says, “I was standing there for some time, Theo. I saw you together. You were… happy. Smiling. You were free with him in a way I’ve never seen you before.”

Well, that just makes me feel weird. Knowing she saw so much of that.

Because she’s right. That isn’t how I was with her.

Everything was so… clinical, really. We didn’t do cute things together, and the only time we really laughed was when we watched a movie or other people were involved.

We aren’t even married yet, and we were already acting like an old married couple.

That isn’t the life I want. I’m thirty; I haven’t lived yet. I want the chance to do that.

“It doesn’t matter how I feel because now he hates me. I fucked this up, Marianne. All of it. My life. His. Yours. All because I was selfish.”

“We’re all a little selfish,” she whispers, before throwing her arms around me and hugging me. How she can do that without wanting to kill me is beyond me. “I can’t let you take all the blame here.”

“What does that mean?” I ask, turning so I can hug her back.

Taking in a deep, shaky breath, she pulls back and says, “I love you, Theo. So much. You’re my best friend, and of course I was looking forward to the life we planned out, but…

” She sits back, wiping her watery eyes.

“I wondered what it would be like to do it on my own, you know?” Those words are so soft, quieter than a whisper.

Almost like she’s afraid to say them out loud.

“Do what, exactly?”

“All of it. Work. Find love. Have a real proposal. Not know what my life will be because it wasn’t planned out before I hit middle school.”

Fuck. Now I’m really an asshole.

“I didn’t know you felt that way.”

“I was scared to tell you.”

I let out a heavy breath, then pull her into my arms again.

How did I let things get this bad?

“I am so sorry,” I tell her. “I know you well enough to know I could have talked to you about this, but I was scared, too.” She nods against my chest. “We’re going to be okay,” I say. “We’ll figure this out.”

“If we go to our parents together, it may not be as bad.” Her words are muffled, her face still against my chest.

“I appreciate you for that, but at this point, that’s the least of my concerns.”

She pulls away from me, smiling. “Let me help you get him back.”

“What? No.” I shake my head.

“Yes!” she says firmly. “Please. It will be so much fun.”

I huff out a laugh, scrubbing a hand down my face. “I don’t know.” I stare at her a moment. “How about we focus on how we’re going to handle our parents first.”

She frowns but then relents. “I guess that’s a good idea. If we tell them soon, it’ll be in our favor. There’s a new baby for them to be happy about.”

“Using Leslie at such a young age?” I tease.

She gives me a playful shove. “At least I’m trying here. What do you have?”

“I was contemplating kidnapping Tobias and running to another country.”

She nods. “I fully support that.”

Shaking my head, I pull her in for another hug.

We’re going to be okay. We have to be.

So, with that in mind, we come up with a plan to tell our parents that we will not be going through with this wedding. That we will remain friends and hope our families can understand, but we aren’t okay with being forced into a marriage that we aren’t fully on board with.

I’ve never felt closer to Marianne in my entire life, which only makes me feel like more of an idiot.

The plan is there, all we have to do is follow it.

Which we are going to do when her sister and husband get back into town.

Marianne is going to give them the heads up first, so they aren’t blindsided.

And when our families are together, Marianne and I, on a united front, are going to tell them our plans for the future have changed.

Once that’s done, my focus will be getting Tobias back. Even if it takes the rest of my life.