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Chapter Eighteen

Tobias

“If you could go anywhere, where would you go?” Theo asks as he dips his greasy fry into the ketchup on my plate before popping it into his mouth.

I raise a brow, because I’ve already asked why he won’t just pour ketchup for himself, but all I got in response was a smirk.

I’m not mad about it, and that’s the problem. It feels too comfortable.

We’ve been sitting in this diner for nearly an hour, just bullshitting and finishing up our now-cold food. It's almost like this is a normal thing we do.

“Anywhere?”

“Anywhere.”

I reach for my Coke to take a sip as I think it over. I’ve thought of all the places in the world I’d want to go, and it’s a long list, but what is at the top?

“I think it would have to be Egypt.”

His eyes widen in shock. “I guess that makes sense. History buff and all?” he says, smirking .

“It’s just fascinating. I mean… how did they do it?”

He waves his hands slowly and says, “Magic.”

“You don’t actually believe that.”

“I don’t know what I believe.” He shrugs, grabbing another fry and pointing at me with it. “But I do know it’s pretty damn cool.”

“Okay, what about you?” I ask as he puts this fry into his mouth without ketchup. “Where would you go?”

“How are you boys doing over here? Can I get you anything else?” the waitress asks. She’s a sweet old lady who looks like she’s been working here since it opened in the 50s.

“Oh yes,” Theo answers, grabbing the menu from the side of the table. “I need this right here.” He points to the gooey chocolate lava cake, and I chuckle.

“With ice cream?”

“God yes.”

“And for you?” She turns to me.

“I’m good, thanks.”

The waitress nods and takes off.

“You’re not stealing any of mine,” Theo says firmly.

I narrow my eyes. We’ll see about that.

“You didn’t answer the question,” I remind him.

I’m sure he’s been all over the world, with his family being rich and all. He’ll probably say he wants to go to some obscure little country I’ve never heard of because he's already been to Paris, Italy, Rome, and all the other places rich people go to vacation .

“Pluto,” he says dead-seriously.

“Pluto, as in…”

“The planet? Obviously.”

“You’d go to Pluto? You know that’s impossible, right?”

“Well, if it was possible, that’s where I’d go?”

“Why?” I ask, drinking the last bit of my Coke.

“Because it’s ridiculous that it’s no longer a planet, and I want it to feel special.”

I roll my eyes. “Planets don’t have feelings.”

He gasps. “You don’t know that.”

I chuckle, pushing my empty plate away. The waitress comes over, putting down a plate in front of Theo. It’s oozing chocolate, the vanilla ice cream starting to puddle on the plate from melting. I snatch up my spoon and reach across the table to scoop up a bite.

“Oh, no you don’t!” Theo says, swatting me away. “I said you weren’t having any.”

I put my spoon down and pout. “I shared my ketchup with you.”

He digs into his dessert, getting the most perfect bite. Gooey cake, ice cream, and some whipped cream. He brings it to his lips but stops at the very last second and stretches his arm across the table, the spoon right in front of my mouth.

“No, it’s okay.”

“Take the bite, Tobias. I won’t offer again,” he says in a raspy tone.

Well, when he puts it like that …

I open my mouth and wrap my lips around the spoon, taking the bite.

“Is it good?” he asks, eyes wide and full of excitement.

“So good,” I moan, wiping the corner of my mouth with my thumb.

He digs in and takes a bite of his own, leaning back in his seat. “I knew it would be good, but damn. This is perfect.”

He feeds me more, and before we know it, the plate is empty.

I want him to order more just so he can keep feeding me.

That's never been something I liked before, but there's something about the way he does it.

The way he watches me as I open my mouth, it's like he's never seen a person enjoy food before.

“We’re going to have to come back here again,” he says as he puts his card down on the table to pay. He refused to let me pay for this, and I’m not in the mood to argue with him.

“I think we can make that happen.”

It’s almost one in the morning and not a single part of me is ready to go to sleep…

or leave him. I like spending time with Theo.

He’s different from my other friends. Low-key.

The kind of guy I can just hang out with and do nothing.

Those kinds of friends are important. They help fill up your cup.

I love the guys from the bar, but they’re a lot.

Maybe because they’re all younger than me, but I don’t remember being like that at that age.

Probably because I was going through school and then in a relationship and miserable. Who knows ?

“So, what now?” Theo asks, shoving his hands into his pockets as we stroll down the street. It’s dark. Everything is closed. Thankfully, it isn’t raining. Almost unheard of this time of year.

“I don’t really know.”

“Do you work this weekend?”

“At Foxy’s yeah, but not at the rehab. I only work there Monday through Friday.”

“Wow, you got lucky with that one.”

I huff out a laugh, but it sounds pathetic. “Yeah…”

I never should have let Brandon manipulate me the way he did. Maybe if I was stronger then, I wouldn’t be so fucked up now. Because I honestly think if I didn’t have the memories of Brandon being such an asshole, I may actually want to date Theo. Or someone, I guess. Doesn’t have to just be Theo.

“Can I ask you something?” I say as we stop near a quiet corner. The wind picks up, and I pull my jacket a little tighter.

“Sure.”

“Are you going to tell your fiancée about all this?”

He takes a deep breath, letting it out slowly. “I want to. I’ve thought about it many times. Even before meeting you. It’s just… it’s a big thing, you know? Not just about me and who I am, but my decision affects a lot of people.”

“How so?”

“Well, for one, it’ll change Marianne’s life. What will her future be without our plan? Our families won’t be joined, and that’ll be an issue for our fathers. Our mothers would be devastated that there is no longer a wedding to plan.”

“Theo, do you even hear yourself?” He frowns at me, brow furrowing. “Would Marianne or your father or her father give you this same courtesy? Would they live a life unhappily just to keep you from suffering?”

“I—”

“I don’t think they would, because if so, you wouldn’t be here right now. They’d all make it known that your happiness is key.”

“They think I’m happy.”

“And what happens when you tell them you aren’t?”

I don’t know where this flare of anger came from, but I am angry.

I’m so pissed off at this entire situation for him.

The way people are? It’s ridiculous. They’re his family and they should accept him for who he is.

The way my family did. Because even though they’re assholes now, my family was very supportive of who I am.

Theo stares at the ground, toeing a blade of grass that’s still somehow alive despite the cold.

“You don’t know what it’s like to be loved conditionally.” Now I’m frowning at him. “To only get love if you are a certain way or do certain things. It’s terrifying knowing that if I change, that love will go away.”

“That’s not real love and it’s certainly not worth being miserable for.”

He shakes his head. “I’m not miserable. ”

“Well, you’re not happy.”

He looks up at me, giving me a sad smile. It hurts my fucking heart.

“I have nothing if I call off this wedding, Tobias. Nothing. I don’t know how to live on my own or without the financial support of my family.”

“You can learn,” I urge, stepping closer to him. Why this is suddenly so important to me, I don't know, but I feel it deep in my bones.

“Maybe. But what if that learning curve is too hard? What if I choose to be with someone they don’t approve of, and I’m struggling like hell just to survive, and that stress ruins my happiness?

My relationship? What if I become so miserable because of all of it that everyone else leaves me too? What if I’m alone? What then?”

“Loving the right person won’t be like that.” My voice cracks, and I don’t know why. There is no reason for me to be so emotional over this situation. It’s not even my life.

“How will I know who that is?” he asks, his eyes boring into mine. They’re sparkling in the moonlight, the green much darker than normal.

“You just… have to take a risk. Hope for the best.”

He nods, chewing on his bottom lip before saying, “Why aren’t you in a serious relationship? Why aren’t you married yet?”

I shrug. “Just haven’t found the right person.”

“Because you don’t take risks or… ”

“I’ve taken plenty of risks," I say defensively.

He gives me another smile, it's sort of sad. “Yet, here you are.”

“My life isn’t all that bad, Theo.”

“I didn’t say it was. Your life is worthy of envy, Tobias.

” Huffing out a humorless laugh, he adds, “Trust me, if we could switch lives, I’d do it in a second.

” He snaps his fingers. “You’re scared too, though, aren’t you?

” He looks at me again and I meet his gaze for just a second before I have to look away.

“Not of the same things as me, but you are scared of something.”

“Everyone is afraid of something,” I mutter, staring at the ground.

“Maybe so, but not everyone allows it to control their lives.”

“My fear doesn’t control my life.”

“So, you are happy, then? You truly don’t care about getting married or having a family or settling down? You’re going to date guys for the rest of your life because that’s what you want?” he asks.

“How did this conversation turn into an attack on the way I’m living my life?” I defend, shoving my hands into my pockets.

His lips part, then close again. “Sorry. You’re right. I’m just…” He sighs. “I’m so fucking stressed out.”

It stays silent for a while. The only sounds are the cars passing by, the honks in the distance, and my feet on the ground as I pace. Seattle is still very much alive at this time of night, even if this street is mostly dead.

“When is the wedding?” I ask.

“May.”

“Shit…”

“Yeah.” He huffs another laugh. “Six months left to decide what the hell I want to do.”

“Just a word of advice, but I think things will go much better if you make that decision sooner rather than later.”

“Maybe I’ll come out on New Year’s Eve. Really give in to the new year, new me thing.”

I chuckle, shaking my head. “So, you have your answer, then?”

“I don’t know. Maybe? All I know is my body has never reacted to a kiss the way it did with you.”

I ignore the way my stomach warms. It’s just a compliment, it’s not that big of a deal. It doesn’t mean anything more. At least, it shouldn't.

“I am a pretty good kisser,” I say, hiding my smile by wiping my mouth.

“I’ll say.”

As I stare at his mouth, I so badly want to do it again.

If he weren’t engaged, I’d straddle his lap right on the bench over here and kiss him until he didn’t know his name.

But he is engaged. He has a fiancée. In six months, he’s going to be married.

He’s going to be someone’s husband. I will not be caught in the middle of that.

I will not be the reason a marriage is destroyed.

I’ve seen guys like him before. I know how he operates.

Though Theo is a good guy, it’s not his fault he is the way he is.

Family is more important than your own happiness .

It’s bullshit in my opinion, but if we all thought the same way, the world would be a boring place.

It’s on the tip of my tongue to open up to him about my family.

Let him know it’s certainly not perfect and I still get by, but I’m not sure that’ll help him.

Also, I don’t really want to dive down that rabbit hole tonight.

Somehow we keep getting on the subject of me when we’re supposed to be talking about him, and I’ve talked about myself enough for a lifetime.

I could tell him about Brandon and hope it’s a tale of survival.

Letting him know that even when you’re down and low, you can still come back up.

That I survived an awful time in my life and came back stronger, but…

I’m not so sure that’s true. Before Brandon, I was definitely naive.

I’ve learned a lot since we broke up, but the ways in which I’ve dealt with it aren’t the healthiest. I’m in no place to give someone relationship advice.

So, I don’t share anything about myself and what happened with Brandon.

I’m not ready to spill my secrets to Theo.

Maybe I never will be. Because he’s not mine to share my thoughts with. He’s Marianne’s.