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Chapter Thirty-Nine

Theodore

Large, strong arms grab around my waist when I move to get out of bed.

“Stay just a little longer,” Tobias whispers in a sleepy voice.

How can I say no to that?

I settle back into bed, Tobias’s chest resting against my back, his arms holding me tight. Ever since we took the next step, he’s been kind of clingy. And it’s perfect. I’ve never been so happy before. Everything about this is exactly what I’ve been missing in my life.

Which makes it so much worse.

What the fuck am I doing? How am I going to fix this?

I assured Asher that I have this handled, and I’m fine. I even convinced myself of it. But each day that’s gone by since I made those promises, the weight on my shoulders has gotten heavier, dragging me under water with nothing around to grab onto to pull myself back up .

I’ve never been happier than when I’m with Tobias, but I’ve never been more terrified either.

Nothing in my life has ever scared me the way this does. Him. Us. Me when I’m with him.

“I have an idea,” Tobias says, dragging his lips along my shoulder in gentle kisses.

“What’s that?” I ask.

“Let me take you out on a date tonight.”

I huff out a laugh. “Really?”

“Yeah.” He kisses the back of my head before nuzzling his face against me. “A real date.”

I don’t think this man could be any more perfect.

“Let’s do it,” I answer.

“Do you trust me?”

“Uh… yeah?” I say carefully.

“Enough to pick out your clothes?”

“What am I, five?”

He chuckles, his breath warm against my skin. “No, but I want to surprise you with my outfit. It’s… not your average suit, so I’d like to make sure we compliment each other.”

I roll in his arms so we’re facing each other.

“I think we do that anyway.”

He smiles, leaning in to kiss my nose. “I think so too.”

We stay in bed for most of the morning, cuddling and on-and-off sleeping.

I only get up to let Biscuit outside, and when she comes back in, she joins us in bed.

It’s ultimately my stomach growling that makes us get up and stay up.

I make us breakfast, we eat, and Tobias tells me he needs to leave to get ready for work.

Our date is planned for tomorrow, Monday, since he doesn’t have any clients.

He told me he’d come here to get ready with me.

When I get out of the shower, I find a missed call from Marianne, so I call her back.

I haven’t heard from her since Christmas, outside of a few check-in texts.

It’s awful of me, but I keep forgetting she exists.

I’m safe in this little bubble with Tobias, and I never want to leave.

Disaster is waiting for me out there and I can’t face it.

I know what it’ll mean; I know what’s going to happen.

Which is why I need to figure out a way to fix it before it happens.

Could I convince Tobias to leave everything behind and move to another country to me?

“Hey,” she answers the phone cheerily.

“Everything okay?”

“Yeah, everything here is good. We finally figured out the plan to get back home.”

“That’s great,” I say, trying to sound happy, even though my stomach is sick over the thought.

“Mom and Dad are going to fly back tomorrow, but I’m going to stay with Betty, Lawrence, and Leslie until she is good to fly.”

“When is that?” I ask.

“They say a week old, but Betty is a little nervous about that, so it may be a couple weeks. Is that okay?”

“Of course that’s okay,” I tell her.

The more time you’re there, the safer I am here with Tobias .

“Leslie is such a perfect baby, Theo. I can’t wait for you to meet her.”

Marianne sent me pictures the other day. Leslie is precious, with golden hair, just like her parents.

“Me either,” I say. “See you when you get back.”

“Love you.”

“Love you too,” I say quickly, then end the call.

I’m certain I’m one step away from this all blowing up in my face.

Despite saying I would see him tomorrow, I’m at Tobias’s house, waiting for him to get home. He texted me seconds before his date, according to him, and asked me to go by. I couldn’t say no. Seems I can never say no to him.

This time, while I’m here alone, I get familiar with his place since I didn’t get to do that the other day.

It’s just your average house. There are no bodies in his closet or chicken carcasses under his bed.

It’s a spacious two-bedroom house, and only when I go through the kitchen for the third time do I realize he doesn’t have a car.

I’m not sure how I didn’t notice it until now.

There is no garage, and there isn’t a car in his driveway.

He told me he always takes cars to dates, so I don’t think he has it with him.

I’ll have to ask him about it when he gets home.

I’m sure he’ll eat dinner on his date, since that’s typically what he does, but I’m sure he won’t mind having a snack. It’ll give me something to do while I’m here.

I dig through his cabinets to look for something to make and find everything I need to make nachos. In my search, I find what I need to make cookies, so I attempt that too, pulling up a recipe on my phone. I’m just popping both sheet pans into the oven when Tobias shows up.

“Hey,” he says with a curious smile, hanging his keys on the hook by the door and shrugging off his coat.

I wrap my arms around him, kissing him. “I missed you.”

His eyes brighten, hand coming up to rest at the back of my neck. “I missed you too.”

Do I like the idea of him just having been out with another person? No, not at all. But he’s here. He came home… to me. No, this isn’t our home, but it could be. We could really do this. Maybe he’s the one I should come clean to first…

“What are you making?” he asks, glancing at the oven.

I kiss his cheek before saying, “Nachos and sugar cookies.”

“Wow. What a way to come home.”

I grin, wanting to say we could do this every night. All my years of life, I never pictured myself in this role, but now that I’m here, I don’t hate it. The smile on Tobias’s face makes it all the more better.

Tobias goes into his room to change while I start cleaning up. He comes back a few moments later in a pair of joggers and a T-shirt .

“So, you don’t have a car,” I say.

“Nope.”

“Is there a reason why?” I ask.

“I don’t drive.”

“Like you don’t know how, or…”

“Like… I’m terrified of it.”

I then remember what he told me about his dad and how he died in a car accident. I nod, understanding the fear and also that he probably doesn’t want to talk about it.

“Putting trust in someone else to drive isn’t difficult?”

“It was for a while.” He shrugs, grabbing a water bottle from the fridge. He offers it to me, but I shake my head. “But getting through panic attacks while someone else is driving is easier than doing it while being in control of a two-ton machine.”

“Yeah, I get that.” I take his hand, kissing it, before letting it go. “I think if I were in your position, I’d be terrified of being out of control.”

“It’s more that I don’t trust myself.” He cracks open his water, taking a long gulp. “My father and mother were fighting when he left. He was upset. Maybe not paying attention. I don’t blame her entirely on the accident, but I blame her for him being upset—which is what made him leave.”

“And part of it is you don’t trust yourself to not drive while you’re upset?”

He nods. “Maybe, I guess. It's stupid. ”

“No,” I cut in. “It's not stupid at all. We all have fears and worries. It’s part of being human.”

I’m terrified of breaking off my engagement because I don’t know how to live without money being handed to me without working for it.

I don’t know how to live without my family giving me everything I need.

I don’t know how to live on my own, even if you are worth trying for.

I go to him, putting my arms around his waist. His arms come around me in a firm hug.

“I’m glad I met you,” he whispers so quietly I hardly hear him. “I feel my soul healing when I’m with you.”

All I can do is smile against his throat and hug him as tightly as I can.