Page 63

Chapter

Forty-Seven

Liv

I’ve come to resent my power. It isn’t stable.

It’s not good. It’s poisonous. If someone drinks poison long enough, they no longer feel its effects.

But they aren’t healthy. They are just more comfortable with dying.

That’s what’s happening. I’m dying. I have three choices: get rid of the magic, let the dark voices in my head take over or die and take it down with me.

—Coming back to this entry, I’ve changed my mind. Fuck that. I’m not dying. I’m fighting.

T he next morning, the Eagle led us to the north-west coast of the canyons, and I was dragging my feet by the time we reached the cliff edge at midday.

The walk, high above the world, had given me too much time to think. Too much time to mourn. I missed Brekt. I hadn’t dreamt of him in a while, and I wanted to turn around to find him, but I knew we had to search for Ollo.

I would save Brekt by finding the gods. And I would search for him in my sleep.

I needed to avoid the Aspis because it wanted my magic. And what would happen if it succeeded?

I can’t let that happen. I have to find the gods first.

The wind tore some of my worries away as I reached the edge of the canyons.

The smell of the sea hit me before I saw it, similar to the waters off the cliffs of the Endless Forest. The birds flew in dizzying patterns over the shore, shining when the sunlight hit their bright-coloured feathers.

Inland was a sea of sand, rising and falling like waves themselves.

Dark patches on the land showed the nearby Aethar villages.

“We’ve reached Rydavas,” Maev said, coming to stand at my left. The sun complemented her blue skin.

“You will want to follow the shore.” The Eagle stood to my right, his dark feathered complexion a stark contrast to the sea behind him. “You will avoid the larger Aethar settlements.”

“The people of the Endless Forest, the Lost Lands, believe everywhere else is a wasteland,” I said. “Where once was a technological society, war and greed destroyed everything. The Veydians believe that of Rydavas. But this doesn’t look like a wasteland.”

“Live in it for several weeks, and you will think differently. Make your way quickly along the shore until you reach rocky hills. Then watch out for reclusive Mount-legs. They don’t like trespassers to the same degree as me.”

With a solemn expression, he looked out over the waves, staying quiet for several long minutes.

“What do you fight for, Ikhor?” The Eagle’s focus stayed forward with his hands clasped behind his back. He searched the rough waters, looking for something that wasn’t there.

“I don’t—I mean—I haven’t fought for anything but survival.”

“You are self-possessed. You could help others, yet you would return the magic.”

“I want to find peace. I’ve never had it.”

The Eagle’s attention flickered over me, unimpressed. “I have heard many tales of the Ikhor. Some told with horror, some told in reverence. It all started millennia ago with a child of the gods who wanted more. But the power was given to a girl who wants nothing?”

Without warning, he shot a hand out to grab Maev and brought her to his chest. “And now?” he asked, holding a struggling Maev by her neck.

“Let her go,” I demanded, grabbing his arm and fighting him off.

He shoved me away with his other hand. “You can’t make me without your powers, especially if you give them back to the gods. And why should you care? You want to be left in peace.”

“She’s my friend. Let her go.”

He wasn’t hurting her, not really.

Maev struggled in his grip before the Eagle let her go, and she stumbled away over the rocky path.

“So you would fight for a friend. You’re capable of thinking of others outside of yourself.

You easily agreed to relay information to Kazhi when you heard of all those in need, when you heard Kazhi wanted information on the Council.

You would help the rebellion but say you wish to be left alone. So what’s the truth?”

“What’s your point?” I ground my teeth, feeling the heat rise in me, the magic responding to my growing anger.

“You speak from fear. Words may seem weak, but they have power. Eventually, you are going to believe it. I have experienced being raised in a world I did not like. I know the person it can make you become—exactly like those who made it bad in the first place.”

The temperature grew as my hands fisted at my sides. “I was told you killed everyone to be left alone. Your family included. I would hardly say you are one to hand out advice.”

The Eagle was before me in a blink—his golden, hawk-like eyes boring into mine. “I freed hundreds of slaves. I ferry the Council’s victims to safety. I don’t do it kindly, but I do it, so that kinder souls may have the safety they deserve.”

“Don’t I deserve that?”

“You are not a kind soul. You are not prey. Though, I see that is the lie you’ve told yourself. You can conjure fire, Ikhor, but I feel it was in your heart long before the magic touched you. It’s people like you who change the world. You could be the end of everything .”

I sucked in a sharp breath as the Oracle’s words swam through my mind.

Could he be right? Could I be like that?

“Where do you get the strength to help if the world was so cruel to you?”

A pitying look replaced the Eagle’s sneer. “You will find it.” He regarded Maev behind me. “When you have a purpose, it becomes your strength.”

Somewhere in his life, someone had given this Mount-leg a purpose.

He turned back to me. “Stop the negative commentary. Stop trying to be something you are not. You are self-possessed? Then own yourself. Be a fighter. A good fighter has a strong body and a calm mind.”

I gave a humourless laugh. “A calm mind was never what I was blessed with.”

The Eagle’s wings snapped together in irritation. “Stop being pathetic. You hold the power of the gods. Fate has blessed you with choice. Use it.”

With a single jump and a loud gust of wind, the eagle soared into the air.

The sun beat down on us as we made the terrifying descent from the canyon cliffs, and my first day in Rydavas was gruelling, but I would have many to come. It would go from hot to damp to cold as I travelled those long weeks.

On our third day, I found myself by the sea, having avoided any encounter with Aethar—their villages empty.

The seawater battered the edge of the platform I stood on, soaking me through, and by the time the sun disappeared across the water’s horizon, I was shivering, cursing the gods, and feeling completely lost.

The Desert Eagle was a harsh teacher. But he was right. The way I spoke, the way I thought, had to change. I had the ability to make a difference.

Was finding the gods the best option for the people of Arde? Or for me?

I had spent years being broken down, but now I had a taste of freedom—a taste of life—and everything I enjoyed about it was being taken, tainted by what everyone else wanted.

What did I want?

I wanted to help the innocent people, as Kazhi’s secret rebellion claimed to do, but I didn’t want the magic to kill me in the process. There was a constant battle in my heart. I was two people—the beaten-down girl I had been and the one I was capable of becoming. But what would I become?

I didn’t want to be pathetic, as the Eagle had accused me of. He was Nuo’s favourite story and quickly became mine, too.

I stood with my toes at the edge of the platform, on the edge of land and sea, facing the North Aspis, the constellation that showed the way home. It was barely visible in the fading evening light.

I thought of all those forces working against me.

I would not be pathetic.

I flung two middle fingers to the sky, cursing when the mangled mess that was my right hand didn’t work. My bracelet pulsed with magic as it refilled—the magic inside me growing stronger.

I thought of the gods who didn’t show up for their children when they called. I thought of the Keepers, Rebeka, the Council, the Guardians, the Aethar and the Elders I hadn’t yet met.

“Fuck you!” I screamed for the whole world to hear.

I was going to save them all. Even the ones who didn’t deserve it.