Page 26

Chapter

Twenty

Nuo

S weat poured down my temples as I held onto the wide hips of the woman on her hands and knees in front of me—the very one I’d invited earlier today.

I pounded into her—hard, as she had begged for it—to distract myself.

It wasn’t working. It hadn’t worked for the past several weeks, and with the last few women, I had to fake my pleasure so that I wouldn’t hurt their feelings.

Me—A Guard of the Aspis—faking my pleasure!

Again, I faked it and pretended to clean up a mess that wasn’t there, all the while hating myself and what I’d become. I refastened my pants and grabbed my shirt from the floor, hoping she would do the same.

Instead, the woman sprawled out on the dark sheets in my room at the Red Door Inn. She laid the back of her hand against her forehead, panting. Her face was flushed, and her smile told me she was very pleased with herself.

“That was amazing,” she said between gasps.

“You told me you wanted it hard, Lin. I am always down for fulfilling a woman’s desires.” I smirked, giving her the show I’d given them all lately.

“Wow. I figured you were too important to remember a woman’s name.”

She was trying to be playful, but I could tell she believed it. She thought the Guard would feel like he was above her. I was a better fighter. That was all.

“I’m not heartless.”

I was, but she thought I remembered her name because I cared. It was only that I had a fantastic memory. My heart had shredded to pieces when my brother died and it turned the world to ash. But my saving grace may be that I wasn’t turning my pain onto others—the exception being the Aethar.

Lin was innocent.

Lin.

Lin.

So close to Liv.

Too close to Liv. How had I not thought of that earlier?

“I like your new look too,” Lin said. “Last time I was training at the Guardian city, you didn’t have the beard. And I like the long hair.”

I forced a smile, my head reeling with the revelation that she was much too close to looking like Liv. Even the colour and length of her hair were similar.

Just in time, I ran from the room, losing the contents of my stomach in the adjoining bathing room. Lin was at the door in seconds, asking if I was okay. I couldn’t look at her as I muttered an excuse about a bad dinner so she would leave.

I heaved again and again. I hadn’t been eating much anyway, so it soon turned to choking on nothing, tasting bile at the back of my throat. It was nothing new. I’d lost so much weight because I couldn’t keep anything down.

I was glad the Guardian woman listened and left my room. She wouldn’t see the red rings around my eyes. She wouldn’t know the Guard of the Aspis wept for those he lost. I tried to wipe Liv from my mind. Gods, when would I man up? My blood ran hot and cold just thinking of her.

Brekt and Liv—they had both become monsters. What did that make me—the wasted space the monsters left behind?

My stomach rolled as I got up and washed my face.

I wiped a towel across my swollen eyes and leaned against the wall next to the sink.

The dim lights made the room easier to bear.

I slid to the floor, arms resting on my knees.

The magic-powered light on the drab, peeling wall flickered as I fought the knot my stomach had curled into.

I jumped at a knock on the door. Before I could answer, it swung open.

Bastane stood in the doorway, wearing a pained expression. “I passed the Guardian woman in the hall. She told me you were sick. You look like shit.”

Fuck him. “I don’t want you here.”

Bas didn’t budge. He hovered at the threshold, pushing his golden hair back from his face.

I gave a hollow laugh. “Looking down on me, Bas? We have always butted heads. I didn’t know you pitied me, too.”

Bastane did well at hiding his emotions. I couldn’t quite make out what he was thinking. Half the time, I didn’t care. Or used not to care. Now? I constantly wondered if they all saw what I had become.

“You think I feel pity? Gods, man, I feel everything but. I understand.”

“Sure you do. You must feel so sorry for my loss. You must feel bad about betraying your fellow Guards for Falizha. Does she let you fuck her? Is that why you did it?”

Bastane held his tongue, used to the berating, but I saw his battle not to lash back.

I would love to take it out on the mats, to move. To fight. It was the only way not to think so much.

“If you expect forgiveness?—”

“Not forgiveness.” Bastane’s face hardened—he wasn’t leaving as he usually did when I got mouthy.

“No. I don’t forgive myself. I was wrong.

Not only the choice I made, but I was wrong about the reasons why I made it.

I want you to listen to me, hear me when I say I know better.

It’s too little too late, but I see what’s going on.

They lied to me. The Council, Falizha … gods, maybe even my father.

I want you to give me a chance to prove that I know I screwed up.

” Bastane moved from the doorway and mimicked me, sliding down the wall opposite and crossing his legs.

He stared me down while I considered punching that apologetic look off his face.

He held his hand up, sensing it. “I won’t stop you. But know, I won’t hit back. You’ll be on your own in that fight.”

I deflated in an instant, denied the battle I longed for.

Bastane surprised me then by giving me the most raw, uncensored look I’d seen.

“Falizha left them all on that field.” He folded his hands in his lap.

“She could have called them back, even if only to save a few. We barely made it out. Those were our people, and she saw them as nothing. I’m sorry I didn’t understand before.

How you all knew the Council and Falizha could do this …

I should have trusted you above all else.

I carry the weight of those lives on my shoulders every day. ”

“Had you made different choices, it wouldn’t have changed Falizha. But what happened with Brekt? That was your fault. He died knowing his girl betrayed him and lied to him. He didn’t need his last thoughts to be of that.”

Bastane ducked his head, hiding his expression. But he kept talking. “They want control. Power. I was fooled into believing they were aiming for peace. It was all so wrong. And I’m sorry. It could have gone down differently.”

I tilted my head back to look at the ceiling, knowing it didn’t hide the fresh wave of tears. Gods. If it had gone differently …

“Wouldn’t have made a difference. He was going to die. And our old pal Liv knew she was our enemy.”

“I’ve told you my opinion,” Bastane said in a low tone. “I don’t think Olivia knew. She was not the best at hiding her true feelings. She didn’t hate us.”

“Whatever. End result was the same. They’re both gone.” Bastane had told me his opinion, but one thing Liv and I had in common was we were used to putting on a show for others. She was just better at it than I thought.

With no warning, Kazhi strolled into the bathing room and sat cross-legged in the doorway between the two of us. The low light made her striped face more terrifying.

I pounded my head against the wall, groaning. “This isn’t a fucking party. I’d like some alone time once in a while.”

Kazhi used her pinky nail to pick at her bottom teeth, trying to free whatever was caught there. She was wholly unaffected by the look I shot her or the disgust on Bastane’s face as he watched her run a tongue along her teeth, inspecting them.

“I thought this was a meeting,” she said after being satisfied with her cleaning.

“On the floor? Never mind. Just leave.”

“Bas has updates.” Kazhi put her hands on her knees.

I wiped a hand down my face, aware of what they were doing. They monitored me, gave me tasks, and kept me occupied. I wanted to scream at them and say unreasonably hurtful things. But I didn’t have the energy. My stomach was threatening to heave.

“We need to be a team again,” Bastane said to me.

“The Guardians are collapsing. The Aethar are taking over the Land of the Sand Cities and driving the Day-leg villages out. Falizha says the Council has intel that the Aethar are planning a large attack. I think the Council has set their eyes on the Aethar borders and want the Guards on the ground to beat them to it.”

“Do they expect us to cross the borders? That’s unheard of. The battle should have ended by now.” I dropped my hands to my lap, stretching my legs out. “Guardians don’t go across the borders. They don’t make it back.”

“Well, this is what I’ve heard. Falizha is in charge of the information coming at us. We are being called to the borders to stop the Ikhor from making it across.”

“Obviously,” I joked. “If the Guards are on it, it won’t happen.”

“Haven’t caught it yet,” Bastane argued.

“That’s the beast’s fault,” Kazhi said. “It’s leading us in every direction. North, south—it can’t make up its mind.”

“Watch it,” I warned. Why was I always so sensitive about what others said of the Aspis? It was unreasonable to defend it. The thing hadn’t led us to the Ikhor soon enough. The evil piece of shit was always one step ahead.

“I can’t wait until we can kill her.” Kazhi’s mouth curled into a cruel smile. She wasn’t talking of the Ikhor.

Bastane twisted his head to give Kazhi a bored look.

“But how often will we have to stop to hunt crystals and find food if we’re on our own?

We’ve travelled like that for too long. It will be no faster without her.

Slower, in fact, as we don’t know what lies ahead.

We would have gone to South Aspis to wait for the Ikhor to cross the canyons, only to find out it attacked Danuli. ”

“That piece of shit has caused so much damage already. We need to stop it.” Kazhi said as she continued to pick her teeth, seeming uninterested in the conversation.

“We will stop it. Tomorrow morning, we fly north. I feel things will get much more serious—quickly and painfully.” Bastane watched the flickering light, and silence fell in the bathing room.

Kazhi stared at the floor, her mouth set in a hard line.

She rarely showed worry. I wasn’t na?ve enough to think she was afraid.

She loved the thrill of facing death, thrived on it.

But I knew she feared the pain her brothers were going through.

Her heart was not in her own chest but given to a handful of people who probably no longer deserved it.

“While we were chasing the Aspis through the Median, the Ikhor somehow set fire to the south, tearing apart the Land of the Sand Cities.” Bastane fidgeted with his shirt as he spoke.

“Then it appears in Danuli, right at our feet, halfway up the continent, catching us off guard. The Aspis flies north now. I say we use caution when following it. We don’t understand its methods yet.

I don’t dare discuss this with anyone other than you two—questioning the Aspis. ”

“Oh no? Not sending reports back to the Council?” I said. “The prince has been dethroned?”

Bastane ground his teeth, his face turning a light shade of pink. He got to his feet and stood over me, fighting against what he wanted to say.

“You know,” he pushed his hair back again, making a fist when he dropped his hand. “For all the comments you’ve made about me being so devout to my legacy, you’re no better when it comes to your hate. You lack forgiveness, Nuo. It’s your biggest fault.”

I had no response as he unclenched his hand and walked from the room, slamming the door shut. I rested my head back against the wall, glad he was gone. I just wanted quiet.

Kazhi was wise not to say anything as she, too, got up.

I stared at the empty doorframe, not hearing Kazhi leave the room. Then, I filled the silence with the screams I had been holding in.

Soon. I would unleash on the Ikhor.

Soon.