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I glance at the other side of the bed, and the feeling that rushes over me should be different than what I actually feel.

I should be sad I didn’t bring that blonde home. Instead, I’m…proud?

I’m proud of myself. I stood up and did the right thing. I told her that I wasn’t looking to hook up.

I actually said those words.

“I’m not looking to hook up.”

“Then what are you looking for?” she asked me.

It was a mighty good question indeed.

I didn’t have an answer.

Maybe it was Hartley I was looking for, or maybe it was the respect of my child. Maybe I’m trying to turn over a new leaf.

It was a lot of weird thoughts darting around my head last night, new and foreign ones, and I just wasn’t in the mood for a fuck and run.

I’ve never not been in the mood for one of those, so something changed. Something’s affecting my judgment, only I can’t decide yet if it’s for the better or not.

My balls would complain it’s not.

My brain is telling me I made the right choice.

It’s all very confusing, but I’m home alone so I spend a few minutes in bed playing with my own balls and stroking my own cock as that damn reading teacher looms larger and larger in my mind’s eye.

Those lips that were pressed to mine—what would they feel like wrapped around my cock?

Those eyes that are always pinning me with so much hatred—what would they look like as they roll back in pleasure while I’m slamming into her tight little cunt?

It’s that thought that tightens my balls as a heat tears along my spine, and I pump my cock faster and harder, a mighty roar ripping from my chest as hot and creamy jets of come cause a sticky mess all over my hand.

I really need to stop thinking about her when I’m doing that.

But I can’t help myself. If I’m going to stop myself from finding a random hook-up, the least I can do for myself is provide some sort of relief for the constant ache in my nuts.

I take a hot shower and make myself some breakfast. I’m craving some good old peanut butter toast, but I got rid of all the nuts in the house apart from the ones attached to my body, so I go with eggs.

They don’t hit the spot the way peanut butter does, but I remind myself it’s a sacrifice for my child.

I guess I’m making a few of those lately.

My phone starts to ring and I see that it’s Tristan, so I answer with my usual, “Whazzahhh motha-fucka?”

He laughs. “You seem in better spirits today.”

“Well I did beat the meat this morning, if you know what I mean.”

“Yeah, I think I catch your meaning there, stud. Thanks for sharing. Couldn’t find a lady friend to help you out with that particular task?”

“I had one all teed up and then…” I trail off.

“Couldn’t close the deal?” he guesses.

“Fuck off. No, the deal was closed. I choked.”

“Your own chicken, right. We already covered that.” He laughs at his own joke.

“I think something’s wrong with me,” I admit.

“Like what?”

I blow out a breath as I stare out the window at my backyard. “I don’t know. I can’t stop thinking about my kid’s reading teacher.”

“Is that the one you mentioned when we were working out before I left to come back home?” he asks.

“Yeah. She rejected me at the Gridiron the night I found out Harper’s parents had died, and then it turns out she’s a reading specialist and my kid has a reading disability. We keep running into each other, and she made a comment the other night about how she feels sorry for my kid because she’s going to grow up thinking what I do with women is okay. I guess it just got me thinking about shit, you know? I’m in a different position now. I don’t know if it’s okay to fuck around the way I always have when I have a little girl looking up to me to be the example now.”

“On the one hand, it’s not like she needs to know what you do in your private time,” he points out. “But on the other…you got a thing for this reading teacher?”

“She’s hot as fuck but her personality is like a one. Two at best,” I say.

He laughs. “I never thought I’d see the day, man.”

“What day?” I ask a little cautiously.

“The day when you fell for a girl.”

“I did not fall for a girl , man. I don’t even like her. She’s a little cruel to me, and she says what she thinks with no filter, and she’s basically a terrible person even though I wouldn’t mind knowing what the inside of her pussy tastes like.”

But she’s not a terrible person. She’s a good person who’s helping my child adjust to her new surroundings. She’s helping her overcome a disability. She’s teaching her tools that will help her read for the rest of her life. And she’s gorgeous as fuck.

Shit.

Do I…

Do I have feelings for her?

No.

No I do not.

And even if I did, it wouldn’t matter. She’s rejected me one too many times, and I can’t put myself out there again.

“Dude,” Tristan says. “Stop. I wasn’t talking about the woman, but now you’ve made your feelings pretty clear to me about her. I was talking about Harper.”

Oh .

“I do have feelings for the teacher, and they are not good ones. But Harper on the other hand…yeah. I fell fast for that little one,” I admit.

“How’s it going with her?”

“Fine.” I take a bite of eggs. “I want to do something special for her, or maybe buy her something…but I’m not sure what.”

“I mean, there’s a gazillion things, right? A show on the Strip, a concert, a museum. Or something like a shopping spree, a nice dinner out.” He ticks off a bunch of suggestions, and I think maybe I’ll just do them all.

It’s like I want to give her every single thing her little heart desires. I want to find ways to make her smile and laugh. I want to ease the transition for her. I want to make her comfortable, and I want her to feel loved.

And most of all, I don’t want her ever to run away again.

“She ran away last weekend,” I say out of the blue.

“What?”

“Yeah. Any guesses where she ran to?”

“How the fuck would I have any idea?” he asks.

“The reading teacher’s apartment.”

“Oh jeez. So she loves her, and you love her. Sounds like the makings of a happy little family, dude.”

I scoff at that as my stomach seems to turn right over. “Right. That’s never gonna happen, so you can make that idea disappear.” I don’t even like that he put it out there into the universe.

“Maybe you should get the kid a phone,” he suggests. “You know, in case she runs again. You can track her.”

“I was thinking the same,” I say. “Do ten-year-olds have phones these days?”

“I don’t know. My kid is only nine months old.”

I blow out a breath. I guess I can get her one and figure out how to put limits on it. “Hey, just planning ahead here, but do you have any ideas about what the fuck I’m supposed to do once the season gets underway?”

“In terms of what?”

“The girl. How do I make sure she’s cared for when I’ll need to go to our OTAs in May, or camp in July, or, you know…the season and practices and everything? I mean, Evan and his wife have been incredibly helpful, but I can’t rely on them to raise my kid when I’m essentially gone for six months. This isn’t exactly the most stable environment for a single father raising a little girl.”

“Have you thought about hiring a nanny?” he asks. “Someone that could start helping out now so you’ve built some stability by the time we’re back in season?”

“I don’t even know where I’d begin to look for someone that could help,” I admit.

“Well, start by chatting with Ellie Dalton. She does a nanny share with a few other moms, and maybe she could get you the name of someone who could help.”

“Good idea,” I murmur, and I decide I’ll check in with Ellie as soon as I hang up with Tristan. “Hey, thanks for checking in on me.”

“You got it. I know you’re going through a lot, man, and I’m here for anything. All right?”

“All right,” I say.

We hang up, and I call Ellie to get the ball rolling and ask if she can recommend any nannies with immediate availability, but she starts in as soon as she picks up.

“Travis, hi! I have you on my list of people to call today but this timing works out well. I have three endorsement deals for you to look over, but before I send anything to Jimmy I just wanted to make sure you’re interested.”

“What are they for?” I ask.

“Mercedes heard you’re driving your daughter around in one of their SUVs, so they’re interested in working out a deal. Nike wants to send you all sorts of free stuff to wear, and then there’s a new company producing trading cards and memorabilia.”

“Send all three to Jimmy and we’ll take a look.”

“Great. Did you need something?”

“Yes. I’m looking for a nanny to help out with my daughter. Do you know anyone who can help?”

“I can poke around and find you some recommendations,” she offers.

“Thanks. You’re a lifesaver.”

“It’s part of the job description.” Her tone is bright and silly, but she turns serious with her next words. “But really, Travis, I’m happy to help you figure out how to balance all of this.”

“I appreciate it.”

We hang up, and I head to Best Buy to take a look at phones for my kid.

I pick out a hot pink phone case with dinosaurs on it.

Then I go to a couple other stores as I remember a few things she mentioned she liked…and I can’t wait to give it all to her. If I could, I’d give her the entire world.

I guess I’ll just always worry that I’m not enough for her. I guess I’ll always worry that Victoria is right—and the only way I can squash that fear is to change my behavior starting now.