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Weddings dredge up feelings we don’t always want to feel, I suppose, and this one is no different.

When my sister married Jake, I was happy for her as I felt my own future slipping out of my grasp.

And now that Mandy is getting married, I feel that future slipping away from me once again. I’m thrilled for my best friend, honestly and genuinely.

But it’s a stark reminder that I’m moving in the wrong direction.

I never really thought of Travis as the forever material even though there were a few days where it struck me that it was a possibility.

Is Mandy right? Am I pushing Travis away because I’m scared? Am I cutting my losses early so I don’t get irreparably damaged in the end, or am I cutting us off short when we could really have it all?

Maybe that’s the question everyone asks when they’re in love.

And I am in love with Travis. There’s no question about that. I’m in love with our little family. I’m in love with his daughter. I’m in love with the glimpses of the life I thought we could have.

I’ve convinced myself none of that is enough, though.

So what, exactly, am I searching for?

I’m trying to answer that question while I’m standing too close to him as he escorts me back up the aisle after the practice ceremony is over.

I’m still trying to answer it when I sit beside him at dinner and he casually tosses an arm over the back of my chair, his fingertips grazing my shoulder as we chronicle the relationship of the bride and groom. And later, as we laugh with his teammates over stories of Jaxon Bryant and his raunchy past once his family calls it a night, and Travis’s hand lands on my thigh, I can’t quite figure out why I’m the one walking away.

I don’t have the answer when we get back up to the hotel room and we both walk in knowing there’s only one bed in here.

Tension fills the air as we stand awkwardly in the living area of the suite. There’s a television and a couch with a couple chairs near the window, and I walk over to the window to look out into the darkness.

It’s literally pitch black beyond the gardens and pool we’re overlooking.

“Can we talk?” he asks.

I don’t hide my surprise at his question. “About?”

“Us.”

I clear my throat. “I’m not sure what’s left to say.”

“Really?” he asks. He looks nearly offended. “Because I have a lot to say.”

I sigh, sure I don’t want to do this right now. I’m tired, and the altitude is getting to me, and I feel like I should go lie down after a long day and travel and maybe a tad too much to drink. “Then say it.”

“You said I’m not good at communication, so this is me trying. Please don’t walk away from this, Vic.” His voice is all low and raspy as he begs me. “I’m learning how to be in a relationship, and you are absolutely right about everything. I should have called you first when I got my punishment from the league and when I was caught vaping and when the news broke about Coax. I won’t make excuses about it. You deserved that, and now I know better. Don’t punish me for one mistake. Don’t leave me.”

My chest hurts as I listen to his words. He’s really trying here, but his lack of communication skills aren’t the entire problem. And even so…it feels like it’s too little too late. “I wish it could be different. I really do. But it’s not one mistake, and I’m not punishing you. It’s an entire life I wasn’t prepared to handle.”

His brows push together. “Harper?”

I shake my head as my hand flies to my chest. “Oh, God, no. She’s a miracle, Travis. Even now she’s often the very best part of my day. It’s nothing to do with her at all.”

“Then what is it?” he asks.

I sigh as I try to come up with some way to word this delicately. “You’re a celebrity. I’m a reading teacher. I wasn’t ready for this life…to have people following me around to get to you. I wasn’t ready for the judgment I’d get just for being associated with you. I wasn’t ready to have people hate me just because of who I’m married to when I’ve gone my entire life being a people pleaser. I love you, Travis. With everything inside me, I love you. And you know me. I believe in happy endings. The books have taught me that there’s always a happy ending, and if there’s one thing in this world I believe in, it’s love. But I’ve also learned over the last few months that just loving someone isn’t enough. Lust and sex and passion…none of it is enough to protect me from the fallout. I wish it was. I wish things could be different.”

“What can I do to win you back?” he asks quietly.

I shake my head sadly, my heart breaking all over again. “I’m not some prize to be won. That line of thinking is what ended my last relationship, and I can’t do that to myself all over again.”

He stares out the window as he presses his lips together. He nods a little. “Okay. So that’s it?”

I press my lips together. I’m not sure what else to say.

“Well, I guess…I guess I’ll just stay out here on the couch, then. You can have the bed.”

“It’s fine, Travis. We can sleep in the bed together and it doesn’t have to be weird.”

He shakes his head. “I can’t share a space that small with you. It’s too confusing for my heart, and it’s too hard on my dick.”

I force a laugh. I know it’s his way of lightening the mood, but it’s heavy in here. Too heavy. The load we’re bearing is too heavy, and suddenly I’m not even sure how I’m going to get through tomorrow pretending like we’re happy when I’m probably the saddest I’ve ever been in my entire life.