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FORTY

ONE YEAR AGO

Today’s session with Rowan was heavy going, and Kate feels as though he’s delved deeper than ever. It’s terrifying to think that she might say the wrong thing, and that the truth about Mona will come out, so she keeps any mention of Graham White vague. Mona’s threat all those years ago still haunts Kate.

She’s never been a big drinker, so hasn’t paid much attention to the bar down the road from Rowan’s practice, but this evening she’s drawn to it. There’s a book in her bag she’s been meaning to read but never seems to have the chance. Kate steps inside, relieved to find it fairly empty, and heads to the bar.

Kate orders a gin and tonic from a female bartender with tattoos covering most of her skin, then finds a booth in the corner and takes out her book, losing herself in the words, pushing from her mind how strangely Ellis has been acting over the last few weeks. He’s still there for Thomas, and for Kate if she needs any help around the house, but there’s a vacant expression in his eyes when he looks at her, as if he’s checked out of their marriage. It’s as if there’s a glass partition between them, allowing them to see each other but never quite reach each other.

‘Hello.’

Kate looks up to see Rowan Hess smiling at her.

‘Oh, hi.’ Her cheeks flush. She’s never seen Rowan outside of his office and she feels embarrassed. As if he’s caught her doing something she shouldn’t be. ‘I don’t normally come in here,’ she explains. ‘Just fancied a quick drink before I go home.’

Rowan holds up his hand. ‘No need to explain anything to me. You have every right to go to any pub you wish. None of anyone’s business.’ He smiles.

‘I don’t normally drink alone,’ Kate says.

‘ I do.’ He laughs. ‘Nothing wrong with that after a long day. And I know I pushed you today.’

Kate shrugs. ‘Guess that’s what I’m paying you for.’

He nods. ‘Anyway, you’re not drinking alone.’ He gestures to her book.

‘Oh… right.’

‘We’re never alone when we’ve got a good book, are we?’

‘Well, I’m not far enough in to make that judgement yet, but I’ll let you know.’

Rowan laughs. ‘Well, I’m off to order a nice pint and read what’s happening in the news. See you next week, Kate.’

He turns to head to the bar.

‘Wait!’ Kate calls.

Rowan stops and turns back, raising his eyebrows.

‘Seems silly both of us sitting on our own. Would you like to join me?’ Kate’s boldness takes her by surprise, and she can only imagine what Rowan will think of it. There’s no way he’ll sit and have a drink with her.

There’s a flicker of hesitation, and Kate prepares herself for his rejections, but then Rowan shrugs. ‘Why not?’ he says, taking off his coat and placing it over the back of the chair opposite Kate. ‘Back in a moment.’

While he heads to the bar, flutters of excitement explode in Kate’s stomach. Did Rowan Hess just agree to have a drink with me? This can’t be appropriate, but Kate doesn’t care. She’s done with being the good girl – always doing the right thing. Look where that’s got her so far. If she wants to have a drink with her therapist, then she can. It doesn’t have to mean anything. But if Kate’s honest with herself, she does find Rowan attractive; he’s not conventionally good-looking, but his aura is powerful and she finds that intoxicating. Even more so now that he’s agreed to have a drink with her.

Even if Ellis has been acting strangely, Kate would never do anything. This is just a drink, and Rowan would never cross that line.

When he gets back to Kate’s table, Rowan’s eyes dart around the pub, while he only half focuses on what Kate is saying. She understands his anxiety – if anyone were to see them it would be easy for the innocent drink to be misconstrued.

‘So how’s life outside of being a therapist?’ Kate asks, to set him at ease. She doesn’t want this to feel like an extension of one of their therapy sessions, so she will turn the tables and get him talking about himself.

‘My life’s…complicated,’ he says, downing too much beer in one gulp.

‘How so?’ Kate asks. She stares at her gin and tonic, her thirst for it has seeped away.

He clears his throat. ‘You don’t want to hear about my life,’ he says.

Yes I do. In this moment, I want nothing more than to know the man beyond my therapist. She tells him this, and notices the slight flare in his cheeks.

‘Well…my life’s been complicated since… since you came into it.’

His words sit between them, as solid as stone.

‘I don’t understand,’ Kate says. Is this what I think it is?

He shakes his head. ‘I don’t think I should say any more. I don’t want to detonate that bomb.’

Kate stares at him, unable to comprehend Rowan’s words. He’s hardly had enough beer to be tipsy, so this isn’t alcohol speaking for him. ‘What exactly are you saying?’ she asks.

‘I’ve already said too much,’ Rowan says, standing and grabbing his coat. ‘I’m sorry, Kate.’

She stares after his retreating back, then grabs her bag and coat and rushes after him, catching up with him when he’s crossed the road. ‘Wait!’

He turns around, and she doesn’t expect him to stop but he does, walking backwards so he’s still edging away from her. He’s scared.

‘I feel the same,’ she calls.

That stops him, and slowly he walks towards her.

‘Maybe I didn’t realise it until just now,’ Kate continues, ‘but it’s there. It’s been there for a while.’

‘This often happens with patients and therapists,’ Rowan explains. ‘We have to acknowledge it and not act on it. I…I think it might be best if I refer you to someone else.’

‘Yes, do that,’ Kate says. ‘But don’t ignore this .’ She moves towards him, as if she has no control of her body, and Rowan does the same.

‘We’re both married,’ he says.

‘I know.’ She thinks of Ellis and how cold he’s been towards her, how he’s been asking a lot of questions about Graham White lately, even though he knows Kate doesn’t want to talk about it. Is it possible Ellis can no longer accept what she did?

Rowan reaches for Kate. Pushing back a strand of hair that’s fallen across her cheek, he leans down to kiss her on the mouth. Softly at first, then more urgently. Then he’s pulling her into an alleyway between the parade of shops, and the two of them tear at each other’s clothes, desperate to feel each other’s flesh.

Their affair continues for months: snatched moments after their therapy sessions, whenever Frieda is out for lunch. Rowan’s secretary never questions why he often tells her to take an extended lunch break. It’s intoxicating; the pull of Rowan is so strong that Kate feels no guilt when she’s with him. This is right where she’s meant to be.

When those brief moments are no longer enough, they gravitate to hotels. There’s a small one near Rowan’s practice that never seems crowded. Rowan always insists on paying, and always does so in cash. All the hotel staff must know what they’re doing – in and out within a couple of hours, never staying the night. It makes Kate giddy to think that she’s doing something so illicit. Sometimes she and Rowan venture into the small lobby area and have coffee before they go their separate ways, and in those moments they pretend the world outside doesn’t exist. And that this can never come back to haunt them.

Until the day Rowan tells her it’s over.

They’ve just finished a therapy session, in which he’s grilled her about Ellis and tried to make Kate see that she’s being paranoid about her husband’s behaviour. And then he says the words Kate’s half expected, because deep down she’s known this couldn’t continue.

‘I’m so sorry, Kate.’ Rowan can barely look at her. ‘I…I really do care about you. But I need to focus on my marriage, and get back on track with’ – he flaps his arms – ‘this place. I’ve been letting things slide, and I’m not proud of how I’ve carried on. I think we need to put an end to this now.’ He stands up and crosses to the window, staring out at the street. ‘I’ve never done anything like this before. And I never will again. I’m sorry. I took advantage of you and it’s all my doing.’

Once the shock of his words passes, Kate takes a deep breath. ‘All good things come to an end, don’t they?’ She smiles, to prove she’s okay with this, and the truth is she is fine with it. Rowan was just a distraction, a way to escape her demons.

The relief on Rowan’s face is tangible. ‘I’m so glad to hear that.’ He turns to her and glances at the clock, signalling their time is over.

‘I’ll see you next week, then,’ Kate says, heading for the door. ‘I’m booked in on my normal Friday.’

‘What? No, hold on. You don’t understand.’ Rowan crosses to her.

She turns around and waits.

‘Kate, when I said we need to end it – I meant our therapy sessions too. All of it. All of us .’

All the blood feels like it’s draining from her face. Kate can easily accept their affair being over, but not this. Never this. She depends on Rowan. He knows all about her and there’s no way Kate can start over with a new therapist. No way can she let that happen.

‘No,’ she says. ‘Like I said, I’ll see you next Friday.’

Rowan stares at her. ‘Kate. Are you listening to me? I’m telling you I’m no longer your therapist. It’s not possible. I’m going to?—’

Kate walks towards him, standing close enough to smell his Calvin Klein aftershave. ‘I’m going to pretend we’ve never had this conversation,’ she whispers. ‘Wouldn’t it be awful if your wife were to find out what we’ve been doing? I’d really hate for that to happen. And I’d hate even more for your career to be over because someone reported you. What would you even do? This place is everything to you, isn’t it?’

Rowan’s eyes widen and sweat trickles down his forehead. ‘No, Kate, please?—’

‘I’ll see you next week,’ she says, leaving his office without glancing back. She doesn’t want to see the fear on his face.