Page 4

THREE

JULY 2003

Kate and Mona sit on the hard red plastic seats at the bus stop, swinging their legs, glancing at the sign that tells them the bus should have been here four minutes ago. ‘Come on, then,’ Mona says. ‘’Fess up – you like Kian, don’t you?’ She nudges Kate and giggles. ‘He is kind of cute.’

‘No…no way.’ But Kate feels her cheeks flame. Does she like him? Yes, he’s an attractive boy, but everyone at school likes him and she finds that off-putting. He’s not arrogant, though – Kian is surprisingly modest considering how many girls fawn over him.

‘Maybe today is your lucky day,’ Mona says. ‘Got to pop that cherry some time!’

‘I’m fifteen – it’s not even legal,’ Kate protests, half mockingly. But to be fair, her birthday is seven weeks and three days away so it barely makes a difference.

‘Don’t be such a prude,’ Mona responds. ‘I’ve seen the way he looks at you. It’s a bit gross, actually.’ She laughs, but it feels too forced, reminding Kate how much Mona has changed recently. She is usually cheerful, exuberant, and Kate’s often in awe of her. Mona’s home life has been difficult for years, since her dad left them, and her mum hardly knows she exists. As much as Kate wishes her own mum would give her some breathing space sometimes, she’d rather her mum worry about her than be too preoccupied to care.

‘Will Robbie be there?’ Kate asks.

Mona rolls her eyes. ‘Oh, I’m so over him. He’s actually really boring when you’re alone with him. How is that possible? In front of his friends he’s the life and soul, but get him away from them and it’s like watching paint dry. No, scrap that – watching paint dry is way more exciting.’

Kate forces a laugh, but silently feels sorry for Robbie. He clearly adores Mona, and she lets him believe she feels the same – hanging all over him when they’re around the others. It’s cruel. As much as Kate likes Mona – they’ve been friends since primary school – sometimes it’s hard to make excuses for her, even though Kate knows the darkness that is probably the cause of it.

Kate didn’t want to come with Mona this afternoon. Not with her friend’s strange, distant behaviour, barely talking and avoiding everyone until today. It’s like a switch has flicked and Mona is back – eradicating the imposter who’s taken her place. School has just finished for the summer and they’re heading to the canal to hang out with Robbie and his friends. Mona had ambushed Kate when she was slipping out of the gates, grabbing Kate’s arm and telling her she had to come, that they could spend the whole afternoon lazing around, eating and laughing. ‘Robbie’s stolen some of his dad’s gin,’ she’d whispered, as if that would entice Kate. But not being a big drinker like others in her year, Kate couldn’t think of anything worse to pour down her throat. Still, she’s glad Mona is happy, and saying no might have sent her spiralling.

‘This bloody bus,’ Mona says, glancing at her watch. ‘Shall we walk?’

No, no no. Just go home, Kate. This day is bound to end in trouble if everyone is drinking.

Sweat coats the backs of her knees by the time they’ve reached the canal. The boys are sitting on the grass, their roars of laughter drifting to the far side of the grassland. Robbie races over when he spots them, heading straight for Mona. Like a scene from an old movie, he wraps his arms around her and kisses her as if he hasn’t seen her for years.

‘Get a room,’ Kate jokes.

‘Yeah,’ says Kian, winking at her.

A frisson of excitement shoots through Kate’s body and she smiles and quickly turns away. She can’t bear to look at Kian; he’s painfully beautiful, too perfect, and it makes her ache for him.

‘Hey, Kate,’ Kian calls. ‘Come and sit with me.’ He pats the grass beside him and her stomach flips. She needs to get a grip – he’s just a boy; she can handle sitting next to him. She’s not going to fall for Kian Roberts.

She makes her way over to him, her leg brushing against his as she sits beside him.

‘Want one of these?’ Kian asks, offering her a can of Budweiser.

Kate scrunches her nose. ‘No, thanks. I don’t drink. Seen what it does to people – my uncle’s an alcoholic. It’s not pretty.’ She’s offering too much information but she doesn’t care. People need to know what that stuff can do.

Kian raises his eyebrows. ‘Sorry about that. But you do know that most people can have a drink and not turn into alcoholics, right?’

‘We’re fifteen!’ she protests. ‘You do know it’s not actually legal to drink until we’re eighteen?’

‘Hmm. I don’t follow the rules,’ Kian says, smiling. ‘I feel like I have enough sense to know what’s good for me and my body.’

Kate’s unsure how to respond to that, and she’s beginning to think perhaps she doesn’t actually like Kian after all, and that sometimes people are better admired from a distance, but then the atmosphere shifts, as if suddenly Kian is stripping away layers of himself.

‘I’m being a dick,’ he admits, pulling his legs up to his chin. ‘Sorry. I was just trying to impress you.’ He gestures towards the canal, where Robbie and the others have picked Mona up, teasing that they’re about to throw her in. She erupts into shrieks, pleading with the boys to put her down. Kate’s pleased to see Mona enjoying herself after how withdrawn she’s been the last few months.

‘It’s hard, you know,’ Kian says.

‘What is?’

He sighs. ‘Living up to people’s expectations of me. I’m supposed to be this…I dunno…popular, funny, cool dude. And everyone’s watching me all the time. Like, all the time. Following my every move…’ He reaches for his can and swigs his beer.

Kate stares at him, half expecting him to say Just kidding, I love my life – it sure is great being the centre of attention. But the frown on his face shows her he means every word.

‘There’s a lot of pressure on me,’ he continues. ‘And sometimes I get sick of it.’ He lifts his can, which surely must be empty by now, and stares at it. ‘So, yeah, I don’t need to drink this, but I do it anyway, because that’s what everyone expects me to do.’

‘I don’t care about any of that stuff people expect you to be,’ Kate says. ‘You just have to be yourself – whoever that is. It’s not your job to keep other people happy. To be their leader. Is it?’

He tilts his head and appraises her, raising his eyebrows again. Kate expects him to laugh, to dismiss what she’s said, but instead he says, ‘Thank you, Kate Mason. That’s just what I needed to hear today.’

While the others continue messing around by the canal, she and Kian talk for the next hour, shutting out the rest of the group, the rest of the world. Kian gets through another two beers, while Kate slowly sips her third Coke.

With no warning, Kian leans in to kiss her, and despite how much she wants him to, her bladder feels heavy and uncomfortable. ‘I’ll be right back,’ she says, jumping up.

He looks disappointed.

‘I just need to find a toilet,’ she explains.

‘Can’t you go behind a tree or something?’

‘Not that easy for girls. I’m sure you know that.’ Kate places her hand on his shoulder to reassure him. In the last hour she’s learned that Kian isn’t as confident as everyone thinks. Just like everyone else, he has his own insecurities.

‘Hurry, then,’ Kian says. ‘I like talking to you, Kate.’

There are no toilets near the canal, so she ends up walking to the high street, practically running because she doesn’t know how much longer her bladder will hold out, and because she’s desperate to get back to Kian. He was about to kiss her and she wants that so badly.

She dashes into the customer toilets in Marks she’s back there once more. ‘But the dirt was the least of my worries.

‘I just kept thinking that I’d never see my mum again. Never finish school and begin living. And even though I was scared, I knew I couldn’t let that be a possibility. I had to fight to survive, no matter what.’

Rowans tilts his head. ‘I imagine you must have felt terrified.’

Kate nods. ‘He hadn’t tied my hands, so I tried the doors, but they were locked. And there were no windows in that van. He must have taken my phone – or I dropped it when he forced me in there. That drive felt endless. The only thing I could do was use the time to plan what to do the second he opened those doors. I figured I had to be quick, to be ready the second that door opened so I could kick out at him and run. I knew I couldn’t overpower him, so I had to make sure I was at least faster than him.’ Kate feels the burn of tears in the corners of her eyes.

Rowan offers her the tissue box.

‘When the van stopped and the engine cut out, I was ready for him,’ Kate continues, reaching for a tissue. ‘Like some feral creature ready to lash out.’ She dabs her eyes. ‘But he anticipated my move, and he grabbed me by the neck before I could do anything. He dragged me out of the van towards what looked like an abandoned building. I found out later it was an old disused farmhouse. I tried to kick out but it was pointless. No amount of kicking could stop him. I kept asking him what he wanted from me, but he wouldn’t answer. And then…’ Kate stops; the pain of reliving this is overwhelming.

‘You don’t have to tell me any more,’ Rowan says.

‘I want to,’ Kate insists. Now she’s started, she will see this through. ‘He… he kept punching me, and I fell back, smashing onto the ground. But somehow I managed to kick out again, and then then I scrambled to my feet and ran. He ran after me, but I rammed my body into him and he flew backwards. He shrieked when he hit the ground. I carried on running, expecting him to follow, but he didn’t.’ Kate stares at the grey carpet. ‘There was only silence. I was torn between wanting to run and needing to check him. I don’t know how long I stood there, but eventually I went back to him. That’s when I saw the huge pool of blood under his head. He was dead. And I was the one who killed him.’