Page 70 of The Cruelest Chaos

“I got hurt, too. By my…nanny.” My throat feels thick, scratchy. I’ve never said that out loud. “It’s okay, Ella.”

“More than once. And I wanted it,” she blurts out.

I keep stroking her hair, squeeze my eyes shut.

“I wanted it,” she whispers again. “When Mom was out. I wanted him to. But he was…” she trails off.

I hug her tighter to my chest.

“He was rough.”

“I’m rough.”

“Does that make me…wrong?”

I almost laugh. I’m the wrong person to be asking aboutthat.“No, baby. It makes you…a product of psychology.”

She pulls away from me, and I see tears gleaming in those green eyes. Tears, and a smile curling on her lips. Then she cups my face, bursting into laughter. “A product of psychology?” she mocks me.

I smile back at her.

The timer for the cookies goes off, and I inhale the sweet, warm scent.

She stares at me, and I don’t move.

A tear falls down her freckled face.

I brush it away with my thumb, the timer still bleating behind us. “If we’re gonna keep talking about this, we need to eat first, so I can be sure to puke my guts out at the thought of anyone else ever touching you like I do again.”

She laughs, and I kiss her nose. Slowly, we both disentangle ourselves from each other. I stand up first, help her to her feet.

After the cookies have cooled, I watch her down three in a row, chocolate on the corner of her lip, our secrets momentarily forgotten.

She grins at me, chocolate in her teeth, too, and she says, “What?” with an embarrassed laugh.

I just shake my head, not strong enough to tell her what it is I’m really thinking:It’s gonna hurt like hell when you leave, kid.

Chapter Fourteen

I rollover and almost hit the fucking floor.

I catch myself right before I fall from the couch, and sit up quickly, running a hand through my hair and glancing around the living room, getting my bearings.

For about two seconds I wonder why the fuck I’m sleeping on the couch in my own fucking house, but then I remember.

Ella is in my bed.

Ella is in my bed and I needed to be alone.

I need to get used to missing her. Whatever we shared last night…it’s just going to make this so much worse because I won’t do to her what I did to Ria. I won’t put her in the same position Sid was, kneeling on that altar at Sanctum.

I won’t do that to her.

I stand to my feet, head to the kitchen where I’ve got the vape ready to go. I might not prepare for much in life, but I prepare for this.

I smoke so much I feel dizzy on my feet. Then I down a glass of water, take a deep breath, and head down to the basement.

The sun isn’t out yet, but I want to get this over with so I can work out, take a shower, and maybe go for a drive and think about nothing but not dying as I take curves at twice the legal limit.