Page 137 of The Cruelest Chaos

I’m sure there were other things we did together, fun things, but I don’t remember them.

I thought about telling her I loved her in that note. I thought about telling her she could be something different. That she could be better. That she could turn her life around. Maverick has, and I have, and we’ll keep doing it. Over and over again.

But then I think about Sid and Lucifer.

What I know of them.

And I didn’t write it. Maybe we just are what we are, and no kind words or tearful moments will change the dark inside of us. Maybe we’re all born a little wrong. Maybe some people get to grow right, with love and care and attention. But the rest of us, we stay wrong, and we harden.

Mom hardened, and there’s no thawing her now.

Maverick pulls my hand over to his thigh as he drives, one hand on the wheel. He glances over at me, and I rub my free hand down my ripped jeans.

“You okay, baby?” he asks me quietly. This, coming from the man whose father is still at home, healing from the wound his own daughter gave him. Maybe it’ll give Maddox Astor time to think about his son’s words. Maybe it’ll thaw him. Or maybe that’s hoping for too much.

I nod my head in answer to Maverick’s question, look out the window as we drive past an empty field. “Yeah,” I whisper. “I’m okay.” I’m not, of course, but I don’t want to talk about it.

He sighs, his hand squeezing mine a little tighter. “You know we have to talk, right?”

I tense. Swallow down the lump in my throat. Keep staring out the window. I don’t reply, but I don’t think he expects me to.

“I know it’s soon. And I know…I know this probably isn’t how you imagined your life to go.” His fingers tighten around mine so much it’s almost painful, but I keep staring out the window, waiting. “And I know I’m a dick, and I know we’re going to fight, and I know that you might not trust me. Or my family. My…brothers. Everything you’ve learned about me.”

I hold my breath, tears pricking in the back of my eyes.

“And I know I don’t deserve you, Ella. I’ve known that since the moment I met you, sitting against that tree like the world could go fuck itself as long as it left you alone.” He huffs a little laugh. “And I didn’t,” he continues. “I couldn’t leave you alone.”

I exhale, but I don’t look at him.

“But I hope you know that I meant what I said. You belong to me, and I belong to you.” He takes a deep breath. “And I hope you know that coming to live with me, coming to make my house yours…” He trails off, because I do know. I know what it means.

I don’t speak for a long moment.

“Will you keep me in that house?” I finally ask. “Hide me away like your books and your journals and your…letters?” My voice is small and I hate that, but I can’t ask it any other way.

“I’ll keep you with me.” It’s not an answer and he knows it.

I don’t reply.

He sighs. “You’re making this harder than it needs to be, Ella—”

“I’m nineteen,” I snap, turning to look at him for the first time. He might be god, and I might throw myself at his feet, but I have a whole life I haven’t lived. Things I want to do. And I know he’ll take care of me. He already has. I know he thinks he loves me. But… Sid left Lucifer, after everything I learned he did for her.

She was trapped.

What if I get that way?

He glances over at me, still driving. His jaw is clenched, and he loosens his grip on my hand, but doesn’t let go. “You’re not Sid,” he whispers. “And I’m not Lucifer.”

I don’t know what to say to that. It’s true. I’m not her. She’s…far stronger than I’ll ever be. And Lucifer is wrecked. I never want to do that to Maverick.

“You’re not her, and I’m not him, and you belong with me. I won’t trap you, Ella, but you have to understand, while his methods were wrong, I’m not much different than him. I don’t want you to smother underneath me but I’m not ever leaving your side. Not if you choose this.”

“And if I don’t?” I counter, knowing the answer and dreading it.

He swallows. “If you don’t, you can leave.”

I shake my head. “That goes against everything I’ve heard you say—”