Page 115 of The Cruelest Chaos

He collapses on top of me, and I scoot my hips down flat to the bed.

“Fuck, you feel so good.”

His chest is sweaty, and it sticks to the shirt of his I’m still wearing. His arm is slung over me as he slides off of my back so I can breathe, slowly pulling out of me. He pulls me closer to him, one leg over my hips.

“I love you,” I whisper, my eyes closed, my body sated. My mind delirious.

He presses a kiss to my head and doesn’t move away for long moments. But he doesn’t say it back, and my chest tightens, something pricking behind my eyes.

I swallow it down, turn my head from him.

He squeezes me closer, and we stay like that for hours.

Chapter Twenty-Three

Lucifer sitsbehind the wheel as we watch Cain saunter down to the drag strip, not bothering to bring his Camaro. He, like Luce, doesn’tbelieve inracing.

Bunch of fucks.

Atlas and Ezra are already there, sitting on the hoods of their respective rides.

The windows are down on the M5, both Luce and I smoking, just different drugs.

Lucifer tilts his head back, closes his eyes as he exhales through his nose, holding his cigarette out the window, his other hand rested on his thigh.

I pinch my joint between my thumb and index finger, throw it out the car and lean back, too, eyes closed.

Another Council, another hour of wasted time I can’t get back.

I wasted time, and now doth time waste me.Shakespeare wrote that in “Richard II”, and goddamn do I feel it. Everything I do nowadays seems like a fucking waste of time, unless I’m with Ella.

I’m looking forward to Noctem, just so I can lose my mind. Snap.

“She’s gonna keep it,” Lucifer says in the quiet of the car, the only sound someone’s laughter from down at the strip.

I resist the urge to open my eyes. Something about my brother’s tone doesn’t really seem to mesh with what he’s saying. Or with what she’s told me.

“That’s great,” I mumble.

He laughs, but it’s humorless.

I sit in silence, waiting for him to unload. I haven’t talked to him about Ella. He knows I went upstairs with a girl that wasn’t her, so maybe he thinks I don’t give a fuck about her. And I tried not to.

I tried to let her go that night. Or maybe I just wanted to see how much it would hurt me to see her really hurt.

Maybe I’m just fucked in the head, but I know I won’t do that again. Seeing her sitting beside Mark at the bar was torture. Watching her touch Connor, too.

Thinking about what her mom’s ex-boyfriend did to her…no.That’s not happening again.

“She doesn’t want to,” Lucifer finally continues. He coughs, and it’s raspy, just like his voice. I keep my eyes closed. “But she’s going to.” He pauses, and I know what he’s going to say before he says it. “For me.”

I sigh, pressing further into the seat, my wounds healing but still painful. I haven’t needed to call Father Tomas back over. Haven’t needed to get lost in the pain again.

Ella is pain enough. And what comes next is going to be painful enough to last me a fucking lifetime.

“She’s going to resent you for that,” I tell Lucifer, my tone even. Brothers tell each other the truth, and since I can’t seem to do that about so many things, I’ve gotta at least try with this.

“She wants to meet Finn.” Another laugh, full of bite. “Get a feel for what it’s like to be around a kid.”