Page 55 of The Beach Holiday

THEN

The men lay limp. I looked at Ula but I noticed she had already begun to crawl away.

She stood up, fully visible to the entire camp, but she didn’t seem to care.

I stayed where I was for longer than I should have done, thinking and watching the camp return to normality.

The bodies were removed and the merriment continued with kava continuing to be passed around.

I couldn’t move; I was frozen to the spot.

If I moved they would see me. I would be caught and they would kill me, was all I could think.

Eventually I began moving back very slowly. And once I was away past the clearing, I ran as fast as I could, stopping every now and then to vomit foamy bile on to the ground. Ula was long gone.

Once I was on the beach, I took off along the sand, a pain in my gut pulling me forward and making me retch even more.

I could no longer ignore the stitches that were trying to slow me down and I eventually stopped and lay on the sand, feeling the safety of some bushes that encased me so I was barely visible.

I covered my head with my hands and cried angry, frustrated tears.

I was not safe. I needed to get away. But I was trapped. With these women. With Avril. I could feel my heart racing and panic struck me. I couldn’t breathe.

I must have passed out because I opened my eyes not knowing how long I’d had them shut for. I stood up, blood rushing to my head, and I threw up again.

I thought of the cave, of Adi up there alone.

I needed to be there tonight. I started making my way up the incline past Ula’s house and into the small clearing that was not really a path.

I felt my way in the dark with just my hands and the small amount of light from the moon to help me.

My fingertips brushed against the tops of the grass and plants, and I took it as comfort.

It was like a gentle stroke on my hand. In my head I began to chant:

It’s going to be okay. You’re going to be okay.

But I was lying to myself. I was never going to be okay again.

As the incline grew I began to worry how I would feel once I reached the top and whether I would end up too close to the edge, but already my muscle memory had kicked in, and as the grass opened up onto the clearing at the top of the hill, I could see the rock face and recognised the shrubbery in front of me that covered the gap to the hole.

I pushed back the grass and put my head into the hole. There was light coming from inside.

‘Adi, it’s me, Sadie. I’m coming in.’ My voice was a shaky mess as my body convulsed and spikes of terror hit me one after another like electric shocks.

As I climbed in further I could see the light was coming from a small fire in the middle of the cave.

I looked up and saw there was a small slit in the top where the starlit sky was peeking through, and the smoke was escaping.

I pulled my body through into the clearing.

And crouched down on all fours although I could have stood there was enough headroom.

I recognised everything as it had been before except this time, Adi was here. He was at the far end of the cave on the blankets, but he wasn’t alone. He was wrapped up in the arms of another and before I’d had the chance to think it, I was saying her name.

‘Avril.’