Page 20 of The Beach Holiday

NOW

Jane didn’t visit me this week. There was a message on a piece of paper in her place left on the bench.

She had to visit a friend in the hospital.

I wondered if I had offended her last time.

I hadn’t answered her question about having lived in a hot country and maybe she thought that was rude.

I should have given her a response. But when I heard the question, my body froze, and the words wouldn’t come out.

I have noticed that happening a lot lately.

But I hadn’t mentioned it to Dr Bhaduri.

I got the feeling that he already knew things that weren’t completely normal were happening to me.

But he didn’t push to get me to reveal them to him.

He must be on a good wage and the longer he spent with me, the more he made.

It seemed he wanted to drag out our session for his own benefit.

Was that a terrible thing to say? Were there psychotherapists out there who genuinely wanted to do a good job and help people?

I had thought that I would be pretty good at that job, especially as I was good at sitting and listening.

I could do that all day. That’s what I enjoyed doing with Jane: listening.

But she went and spoilt it and asked me that question, and now I think I may have ruined a good relationship.

Probably one of the only relationships I have these days.

I made a promise to myself that if Jane’s hospital appointment was genuine and she was back on that bench next week, then I would tell her one thing.

Maybe she could make some sense of it. It would make a change from talking about coffee and the weather.

Because perhaps if I told her something it would make room for all the other things that were squabbling for space in the depths of my mind.

They had been dormant for some time; I had to admit I wasn’t even sure I had any thoughts left.

But suddenly it was as if they were all waking up and fighting for space to stretch their tendrils and touch the corners of my mind, forcing the words down to the tip of my tongue where they would spill out.

I would let them, I thought, because holding on to them was painful and I didn’t want to be in pain anymore.