Page 26 of The Beach Holiday

‘We are in for a treat tonight, everyone. Sadie has cooked for us. It is a very special night indeed; tonight, my friends, we eat like queens,’ Avril announced to the camp.

There was an uproar. Women were on their feet whooping and I had never felt so welcomed. Avril leaned forward and squeezed my arm.

‘Well I can’t take all the credit; Avril was a great commis chef and diced the meat,’ I said loud enough so a few people on my side of the circle heard. Avril even managed to look humbled and seemed to take the compliment.

After dinner I told everyone I would wash up; it was my treat to the camp for making me feel so welcome.

‘I’ll give you a hand,’ Avril said. ‘Come on then.’ She took my arm and we walked over to the kitchenette area like two old school friends.

As we did, I saw Avril’s girlfriend. I had now begun to call Lola that, as she always seemed to be there, next to Avril.

She grabbed at Avril’s arm and without even looking back, Avril yanked hers away and continued walking.

‘You can go to her if you like?’ I said. ‘I don’t mind washing up alone.’

Avril looked at me blankly.

‘Your girlfriend,’ I added as she seemed confused.

Avril snorted. ‘I don’t have a girlfriend.’

I put the plates on the table. ‘Oh, Lola, I thought—’

‘You thought wrong.’ There was a spike to Avril’s voice that I hadn’t heard before.

We were both silent for a few moments.

‘It’s just not like that here, Sadie. We’re all free here. You know?’

‘Yeah, I can see,’ I replied. I didn’t want to pursue the Lola thing. I didn’t want to say that it didn’t seem to me that Lola understood the same level of freedom as Avril did and actually she seemed very set on being Avril’s girlfriend.

I filled a bowl from one of the large rain tanks closest to the camp with a squirt of washing-up liquid.

I began scrubbing and laying the bowls on the handmade draining board.

I looked at the knots used to make the draining board and admired them.

Avril arrived next to me with a towel in hand and began drying and stacking the bowls.

The chain around her wrist jingled as she dried.

‘That’s such a pretty bracelet. Was it a gift?’

Avril held her wrist up and looked at the charm bracelet as though it was the first time she had seen it. ‘It was a gift to myself.’

I nodded. ‘I love all the little charms. Do they represent something?’

‘Yes, all of them.’

‘I love the little cake.’

Avril looked intently at it. ‘I do too,’ she said it as if she had only just decided that she liked it the most.

I didn’t push her to reveal more, to tell me the story behind each charm, but I could see in her demeanour that it was special to her.

‘I like how you bought it as a gift to yourself.’

Avril took a plate from me and dried it with the cloth. ‘We must recognise that we are worth something to ourselves, Sadie. You will learn in time,’ she said.

I nodded. Avril grabbed my arm with her free hand. I looked at her.

‘I mean it, Sadie. You must never let anyone make you feel a lesser version of yourself.’

I was always trying to crush feelings of Bruno. He was always in the back of my mind. I had wanted it to last; I had wanted him to love me. I let him make me feel a lesser version of myself.

Suddenly I felt the desire to open up to Avril, to tell her about Bruno, to explain why I was here, why I had run.

‘His name was Bruno,’ I said and the jingling on her wrist stopped as she paused drying the dishes.

‘I thought he loved me. But he wanted to control me. He wanted me to be like him and his friends. And when I didn’t—’

‘He hurt you,’ Avril finished the sentence for me.

I looked at her and she at me. Our eyes locked and, in that moment, I saw reflected in her eyes a vision of the pain that felt so familiar to me.

This was why I had been brought here, so that someone like Avril could bring me back to life, give me the space and tools to become who I truly wanted and needed to be.

In some way, I believed that Avril was my saviour.

Avril nodded and let out a sigh. She handed me back a plate. ‘You missed a bit.’

We looked at one another and both let out a laughing snort at the same time.

There were more celebrations that night to mark some sort of milestone of one of the women.

In all the bustle of having a garland placed around my neck, and kava getting passed at a rate I had never yet experienced in Fiji, I missed what the occasion was.

Each of the women came and kissed the woman who I think was called Rachel.

But I noticed that Kali was the only one who didn’t do this, as she had immersed herself in getting the old cassette player set up ready for the music, which when she pressed play was loud and fierce.

Avril was the first to grab me and dance.

The music was an R every day I woke and couldn’t believe how lucky I was to be here.

The sound of the cockerels first thing, the simple sounds of the camp coming to life, the smell of the fire pit, the scent of warm skin all around me.

It was paradise. There was no other way to describe it.

But despite all of those wonderful things there was an underlying buzz of discontentment, a flurry in my tummy, as my parents used to call it when I was little and I sat up late at night worrying about things that I couldn’t control.

I couldn’t stop thinking about Clara. About where she was and how she was.

It had been too long. I wanted more than anything to go and find out for myself.

I stopped walking and turned suddenly. I had heard the sound of a twig breaking just behind me.

Had it come from the foliage around me? The sky was now pitch-black but full of stars and a bright moon lit the pathway and guided me towards the beach.

I turned back around and carried on walking.

I had been jumpy at the sounds of the forest around me before.

I had nothing to fear here; it was probably a cow moving about or a hen that had lost its way back to the pen at dusk.

But the snapping came again, and I swung round faster and as I did, this time I caught sight of a small figure just before it disappeared into the bushes.