Page 35 of The Beach Holiday

THEN

That night, Avril let me cook, even though it wasn’t my turn. The camp was a washout, and Mary, Precious and a couple of other women helped restore it. Branches and leaves were cleared away, a fresh fire was built, and before long, the place looked like its old self.

I prepared fish in silence, despite the company of women around me, mulling over everything I had heard from Avril that afternoon.

I couldn’t quite get my head around what I had seen and heard that afternoon.

Whenever I thought of the men caged up, skinny and tired and all with that look of hopelessness that I had seen in the one man that first week, I felt sick.

I managed to smile and make small talk but their faces would not leave my mind.

I tried to take in the enormity of the situation.

The reality of where I was living and who I was now sharing the island with, but it just felt too big for me.

I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to stay let alone assist Avril with prison duties.

What exactly had Avril seen in me? Was it merely that I was wearing what I presumed were invisible wounds and that she could see them?

Did the abuse I suffered at the hands of my boyfriend make me an ideal candidate for prison duties?

I looked around me and realised I had forgotten to grab the spices I was going to use in the fish curry.

Some good ones had come in recently and I thought I would spice things up; the more I poured myself into cooking the less impact the caged men had on my mind.

But I knew it was only going to be temporary and the second I had stopped distracting myself, they would be back at the forefront of my mind.

In the larder, I felt her presence even before I turned around. It was Kali.

‘Ah my favourite chef,’ she said.

My hand reached for a bag of herbs. My heart was thumping a little faster than normal and then out of nowhere, an image of the spear through Clara’s foot came at me fast. I grabbed awkwardly at the bag, nearly knocking a neighbouring bag off the shelf.

‘Oh be careful, Sadie, these are expensive. We can’t go wasting precious stock.’ Kali reached for the teetering bag of saffron and pushed it back.

I looked at Kali for a moment, wishing Clara were here, but she was not. As the weeks passed, I realised that the shock of seeing Clara with that spear through her foot had prevented me from ever really asking some serious questions.

‘What happened on the beach, Kali?’

Kali recoiled, her expression set hard, and she began to bite her lower lip.

Then her eyes narrowed.

‘You need to watch yourself,’ she hissed. I realised our time together in her hut making knots had been a one-off. She still had something against me.

‘Why, because I might end up with a spear through my foot?’ I snapped back.

‘I am famished,’ Precious announced as she appeared next to us. I took a step back from Kali and smiled at Precious.

‘So what’s on the menu tonight?’ Kali said, her voice as light as air.

‘A fish curry, with rice, and sweet potato and tomato salad.’ I played along.

‘You’re quite the gourmet, aren’t you? But I knew you would have talents,’ Kali replied.

‘She is,’ Precious agreed as she took down some bread from the shelf. ‘I won’t let it ruin my appetite.’ She smiled sweetly and skipped away.

Kali watched, and once Precious was far enough away, she swung her head back to me.

‘Don’t think because Avril has asked you to assist her that you are something special ...’ Kali’s voice had lost the lightness it had a moment ago.

I let out a sigh.

‘And now you know our little secret. I hope you’ll behave and play by the rules.’

I snapped my head at her. ‘What do you mean, Kali?’ I said, a tide of aggression growing in my voice.

Kali looked stunned. She hadn’t expected me to respond that way.

‘Those men, they’re not here for our entertainment.’

I shook my head. ‘I have no idea what you mean, Kali. All I know is that I’m aware of what is going on now. I didn’t know before, but now Avril has told me all about the men.’

‘Okay, I’m sure she did,’ she said, the tone of her voice revealing she was determined to try and find fault with me, in order not to like me.

I got it; I was the new girl. Not all women were comfortable with someone stepping into their arena.

Perhaps Kali had been lining herself up to be Avril’s right-hand woman.

Another image of Clara, the spear through her foot.

Had Clara been in Kali’s way? Is that why she ended up hurt?

I edged away from the shelves. Was I headed the same way?

Is that what happened to people here when they crossed an invisible line?

I headed back to the fire to continue cooking.

But this time, along with Clara’s face was Ula’s and a faceless woman. Deny.

You need to surrender yourself for a piece of paradise.

What if that piece meant that you never got your whole self back, or worse, you didn’t make it out alive?

I left the food simmering on the stove and went to fetch some water. The tank was situated at the back of the kitchen and stores. I pressed the tap down and began filling my water bottle.

Something hit me on the back. I jumped up and swung around, doing a full 360-degree turn. The water was spilling out everywhere.

‘Shit, shit.’ I turned it off, already so conscious of waste.

What the hell was that?

Then I heard it, a loud giggle. I turned to my right and saw his face in amongst the foliage. He was smiling. Laughing. He was laughing at me. Adi, the little feral child, was laughing at me.

‘Hi, Adi,’ I shouted over the rain, hoping he would come forward. I didn’t want him to fear me anymore. In some ways, I needed him more than ever. That pure innocence of a child could help me heal and distract me from all the things I had yet to understand or process.

I wasn’t sure if he understood a word I said but he turned and scooted off into the depths of the woods.

I wondered once again why no one spoke of Adi.

I thought often of who his mother might be and if he was receiving enough care.

I wished he would stay around longer and I contemplated how I might coax him to me next time.

I returned to my cooking in silence, images of the men now infused in the cocktail of images in my mind along with Adi, Ula, Clara and Deny.

In such a short space of time, Totini Island had revealed so much to me. The tropical paradise I had arrived on was now a myriad of death, depression and captivity.

How was I expected to thrive amongst that? It was the very opposite of what Totini appeared to offer when I first arrived. Yet twenty-nine other women seemed to be doing it, even though I could see and feel their anger. Was that because the men were so close to us?

I knew I could not be both – someone who condoned the captivity of men who had apparently not stood trial for their apparent crimes and someone who was living in the moment and healing from her past. Avril seemed to have some almighty faith in my capabilities, but I could already see beyond all of her words and praise.

I could feel something much more intense and real. I could sense danger.