Page 46 of The Beach Holiday

THEN

Avril presented the meat to me an hour or so after I returned from the cliff. The two men were seated around the campfire, their garlands still hanging around their necks, although looking a little dishevelled, their faces easy with kava.

Avril began slicing it and placing it in the pan. ‘It’s sacred, Sadie,’ she would say each time. We ate it so rarely. I had become to accustomed to the ritual.

We were only at the end of month one. I was sure Avril would begin to entrust the preparing and cooking of the meat to me at some point, but for now, she liked to revel in the moment of it all – the catch, the kill, the slicing and dicing, and even placing it in the pan.

I continued to look enthusiastic; I kept playing the role, knowing that I was thinking and feeling differently to everyone else here, that the doubts were growing stronger, but I also knew I was being watched now. If I didn’t comply would I end up like Deny and Clara?

I focused my mind on the field to fork. Our food was reared just metres away.

That was what life here on the island meant, and being self-sufficient was exactly what Totini was about: living off the resources available.

It was how it should be. And that I was thankful for.

It was something during a time of such uncertainty.

I had managed to read one more page of the notebook before I realised it was time to start preparing dinner.

And I didn’t want to be late, not once. So, I took a shower and began prepping the vegetables.

I didn’t want Avril to sense my hesitation at being around camp tonight with the men, as I had avoided her for most of the afternoon – Avril had yet to confide in me about what was going on.

But I was desperate to get back to Ula’s diary; I needed to read it chronologically so I didn’t miss any key information that could have been inserted in those first few passages.

Avril finished the meat in the pan and then stood up, brushed herself down, and scooched past me.

Her hands grazed my hips as she looked at me.

I looked at her, and she smiled softly. I felt a wave of relief that things were good between us, that she hadn’t sensed a change in my behaviour.

I wasn’t sure what vibes I was emitting.

Camp began to fill up as the smells from the meat filled the air.

Avril took herself to her cabin and stood on the veranda.

Precious was draped over one of the men, and the other had about three women all over him.

They both sat down close to where I was serving.

One of them looked at me; our eyes locked for a second.

I wanted to say something to them, to warn them of the danger they were in.

I could do that now, change the course of their life.

If I stayed silent, I was about to be instrumental in their incarceration.

Because why else would Avril have brought them here?

My stomach was churning and I couldn’t let it overwhelm me and ruin my appetite.

Would Avril begin to question me, see that I was not totally on board?

The men were her little mice to toy with first. They were young guys.

Not much into their twenties. They probably had mothers at home waiting for them to call and a pang of sadness grabbed my gut.

I wondered what their crimes were in the eyes of Avril, as it seemed she was the one who was instrumental in bringing men here.

The kava came out again after dinner and so by the end of the meal I felt as though this was just an ordinary day anywhere in the world where men and women were existing side by side.

I was at the pot wash as most of the other women were preoccupied, still drinking with the men. One of the guys approached. He seemed a little inebriated, but he held his hands out.

‘Can I help?’

He was offering to wash the dishes and already had his hands dunked in the soapy water.

‘No,’ I almost yelped. I didn’t want to engage in any normal behaviour with this man.

‘Oh, okay,’ he said in a British accent. There hadn’t been many of them here and so instantly I felt a pang for home and a familiarity with him.

‘My mum had me doing the dishes from age four, so it’s a skill that’s been hardened into me; even flying halfway around the world won’t keep me away from a dishcloth.’

I wanted to scream. To run away. I looked at his soft skin and eyes. I imagined his mother. What the hell had Avril done? Why had she brought him here?

‘That’s very admirable.’ Not wanting to look at him, I began to scrape some of the debris from the plates into the food bin.

‘I’m James,’ he said.

I don’t care I don’t care, I sang over and over in my mind. Please go away. Please just go away.

He immediately held out his soapy hand. He was looking at me, questioningly, waiting.

‘Sadie.’ I shook the tip of one of his fingers and he laughed.

‘Great name,’ he said.

I felt my insides begin to wobble. I thought I might cry.

‘Thanks, I like it. I’m thinking of keeping it,’ I said and wished I had never said a word and just ignored him.

I looked around before I spoke to make sure no one was nearby and listening.

‘So how did you find out about Totini?’ I asked in hushed tone.

‘Well, I was on the mainland, and I got chatting to this girl in this bar; she told me about it, how to get here, or at least to, what was it, Kenco Island? And that was it. I have always fancied this sort of experience.’

‘And your friend? What about him? There were two of you weren’t there?’

‘Oh, yeah, he’s not my friend. He’d been in Nadi as well.

We ended up travelling together, though, so yeah, I guess we are mates now.

So, what’s the deal here? Is it all it’s cracked up to be?

It’s an all-female camp?’ James looked and sounded like a small child mad with excitement and anticipation for what was to come.

And although I didn’t exactly know what was to come, I think I had a better idea than he did.

‘It takes a bit of getting used to, but the general vibe is pretty relaxed. It’s beautiful and it’s exactly what I need right now. It sure has an addictive quality. But forever? Who knows?’

‘I know what you mean. I can feel those vibes already from being here for a few hours. It’s something different isn’t it – tick it off the bucket list. I lived as part of a commune in the South Pacific. Tick.’ He laughed. ‘One to tell the grandchildren that’s for sure.’

My heart thumped hard in my chest. Just warn him, Sadie.

Just tell him. Why couldn’t I do that? An image of Avril crept into my mind, the responsibility she had given me, what she saw in me.

Is that what she saw in Clara? I couldn’t be seen to be failing.

And poor Clara. Here one minute, gone the next.

I had to consider what may happen if I didn’t go along with what they expected of me, or if they had a heavy premonition that something might happen if I tried to upset the proceedings, if I didn’t do as I was asked.

You had to give a piece of yourself for a slice of paradise.

Nothing this good in life came for free, I now realised.

I carried on washing the dishes and wondered when James would leave.

We carried on chatting asking one another about our lives.

But half of my mind was on our conversation, answering all the usual questions one has for someone they have just met, on autopilot, and the other half of my brain was in perpetual waiting mode.

Whatever Avril had planned, I didn’t know how I could help them, because if I suggested they were in danger, then in their drunken state, they might repeat it back to the others, and I would be ostracised and at the worst .

.. I couldn’t think of the worst. I just knew I couldn’t endure the madness anymore.

I was desperate to get away from James, and the journal kept playing on my mind. I wanted to find out what had happened to Ula before I arrived. She had arrived here as a normal functioning woman, and something had happened, and I was sure I would be able to find out by finishing the notebook.

I had an overwhelming desire, as I did most evenings, to be by the shore. Tonight, it was to calm my nerves. I needed to take some deep breaths, get away from everyone for a while.

I noticed James had been smoking earlier.

‘Hey, I couldn’t bum a fag off you, could I?’

James grinned and handed one over.

I picked up a packet of matches from the larder. Before I let myself think too much about it, I began walking towards Camp Z, feeling the cigarette between my fingers and trying not to think too hard about its significance.