Page 28 of The Beach Holiday

NOW

I know my name is Sadie. That I am very sure of.

Yet everyone keeps trying to remind me. I have been told repeatedly that I speak often of Avril and I together in Fiji and came home without her.

I had dreams about her, Avril. But her face in the dream was not one I recognised nor remembered.

I felt the dreams came from the sessions I had with Dr Bhaduri.

I felt he had imprinted those thoughts into my mind, and I had begun dreaming them.

When I really think about it, I don’t remember a lot about anything.

But I feel okay. I don’t feel worried or anxious. I feel fine.

I believe it is harder for everyone else to accept it. They are the ones who feel all the emotions. It’s hard even to trust or believe anything that anyone says when your own mind is telling you something completely different or even nothing at all.

They tell me I have disassociated amnesia. I’m not exactly sure what that is. But I come here and speak with Dr Bhaduri every week. He hopes he will begin to bring more information out of me.

I have been hiding the images I have been drawing in the wardrobe because I am terrified of them.

But it could be time to tell. It could be time to hand them over.

For a professional to look at them and tell me what they mean and tell me if I am well and truly mental and that yes, I have been a part of some terrible crimes.