Page 5 of The Beach Holiday

THEN

‘Will you be there?’ I asked, and she said something back in broken Polish; words she had only ever saved to use with friends from her own country perforated her usually impeccable English.

But she had been smiling, and so I had been reassured.

Of course, she was going to be here. Why wouldn’t she?

It was such a great opportunity. But the minutes inched forward, and before long, I found myself staring at a path that Dana wasn’t walking down.

I thought back to her parting words to me that morning.

Words that I now knew were doubts. That smile had been her way of appeasing me. She was never going to come.

I turned and faced the small dock again.

This time, I spotted Avril standing at the edge of the water, her face bright as she chatted to the skipper and pointed to a boat big enough to seat ten.

I looked back at the path hoping to see Dana so I wouldn’t have to do this alone.

I could still leave; I didn’t need to go.

But when I turned back, Avril was looking my way, waving me over; she looked happy I was there.

I took a deep breath, and blew it out. I pushed my rucksack onto my shoulder, kicked off my sandals, picked them up, and padded across the sand.

‘I knew you’d come!’ she said cheerfully, holding her arms out.

‘Oh.’ I moved towards her, and she fully embraced me, letting out a long breath. Her scent was a mixture of coconut and spices, with an undertone of body odour – a scent I had become accustomed to smelling wherever I went. No one could escape it in this heat.

‘I just knew you’d come,’ she said again.

‘How did you know?’ I asked as she helped me into the boat.

‘I just did. I have a sixth sense for this kind of thing. You struck me as someone who needed to be here today.’

I suddenly wanted to open up and tell Avril everything about Bruno and how he had been in the end.

About how I was here because he wasn’t and because I wanted to get as far away as possible from him and the people who reminded me of him, and I had chosen Fiji for that reason.

Everything else I was making up as I went along, including getting on a boat and heading across the South Pacific Ocean to get to an island with a woman I had just met.

But something about it felt right because it wasn’t all set in stone and planned out how Bruno had tried to control our lives, or by telling me that travelling was immature.

And that was what I needed. Chances and opportunities.

There were others already on the boat and I smiled nervously at the man to my left as I sat down next to him. Avril sat on the other side of me, her chin pressed into her hand as she stared to her right, towards the horizon.

‘Relax,’ Avril whispered without looking at me.

I attempted to smile at her and trick my body into feeling relaxed, but it was an amalgamation of fizzing energy and gut-churning nerves.

I had no idea what to expect, and as Dana was a no-show, I felt the vulnerability seeping in.

Why didn’t Dana come? Why did I decide to come alone?

I didn’t know Avril and I had no idea where this island was.

My mind was awash with images of my new home.

Would there be other people there? What would they look like?

The boat engine started up and it was loud.

Suddenly, I had a hundred things in my head I wanted to say to Avril – questions about the trip, the island we were heading to – but I knew trying for a conversation over the rickety sound of the old boat engine would be futile.

I had been trying to be spontaneous. But maybe I was pushing my luck too far this time.

Just getting away to Fiji was a huge step and now this.

Was I trying to be someone else? And was I that person she so clearly saw in me?

Someone who was ready to take control of her life?

The boat began to move, slowly at first, picking its way through the maze of moored boats, some of which had seen better days and looked as though they would surely only survive one more storm.

Young Fijian children swam in the murky shallows, waving and whooping at us.

Then as we began to pick up speed I let out a long breath, which I felt I had been holding since I boarded the boat.

Avril didn’t move again for another fifteen or so minutes.

She just stared intently at the horizon. I wondered what she was thinking.

What was I thinking? I had just upped and left my nice little apartment and job and it was unlikely I’d have either to return to.

I wondered what Dana was doing now. Was she thinking about me?

Regretting not coming? I felt a pang of regret that I was leaving behind what little I had – who knew what I would have on the island.

Avril turned and looked at me. ‘You okay?’ she called over the noise.

I wondered if we would even make it at this rate; I was sure the engine would give out any minute.

Water sprayed up the edges of the boat, the odd droplet landing on my face, and there was a cool breeze now we were far enough away from land.

I had been trying not to think how I was feeling until now but as we got further away from the mainland, I realised I was scared and unsure whether I had done the right thing, but I refrained from telling Avril. Avril, who seemed so cool and relaxed.

‘I’m good,’ I said, then I gulped hard, which must have given away how I was truly feeling as Avril cast her eyes over me.

‘We’ll be there in about forty minutes.’

I nodded. I could handle that. I glanced at the man next to me and the three Fijian women opposite me. I wondered what they would all be doing when we reached the island. Perhaps they’d be visiting relatives.

‘Thanks...’ My voice broke from the dryness of my throat.

Avril handed me a fresh bottle of water from her backpack.

As she did so, I homed in on a small woven blue material bracelet on her wrist. It was the sort I made when I was a young girl and exchanged them as friendship bracelets, only this one had embellishments: tiny little silver charms. My eyes focused on a small cake with a cherry on top.

I gulped back the water.

‘Thanks.’ I had become aware of the Fijian women opposite me, who stared at me quite openly and without a care. Did Avril know them? I wondered what business they might have on the island we were going to.

The rest of the questions fizzed away on my tongue, and I let them evaporate. There was too much to say and I would have to wait, be patient and see what was in store for me at the other end.

I took out my phone, saw there was some reception and bashed out a text to my mum’s phone then copied and pasted it to my dad’s phone.

Hey! I’m leaving the mainland for a while, heading to an island. Not sure what to expect, but met a cool girl. I’ll be in touch soon. Love you x

Eventually, the motion of the journey sent me to sleep. Working so early at the market meant I usually napped mid-afternoon, anyway, let alone if I was being lulled to sleep in the middle of the ocean.

Like all the dreams I’d had since I arrived here, they were vivid and enigmatic.

I ended up back at that night, where I had sworn I would stop taking myself.

When I arrived home from work, I listened to the message from Bruno I had been saving, thinking it would be an invitation for dinner or him telling me he was coming over with a bottle of wine.

There was an edge to his words that I had never heard from him before.

And when he finally came over it was not to give me a meal or take me out for a drink.

It was no wonder I felt as though I needed to heal because the end of the relationship broke me, so I was not sure how I was supposed to recover.

I knew I had made him angry. But I also knew that I hadn’t.

I also knew I would be walking away that night for the final time.

The only resolution I could accept was that you never really knew someone the way you think you did.

You’re such a disappointment.

The thrust of the boat penetrated my body, jolting me awake.

My arms shuddered as I gripped the handrest. Avril looked over at me then she stood up and edged her way into a small gap so the man next to me was forced to move.

Then she placed her hand over mine. She didn’t say anything and neither did I.

I just felt the powerful grasp of her hand on mine – and everything in that grip said, it’s okay, I’ve got this. I’m in control.

The boat shuddered to a halt. The Fijian women got up and hitched up their skirts, ready to step off the boat.

Avril was pulling her backpack on and then looking at me eagerly.

I couldn’t believe we had barely spoken since we left the mainland.

I grabbed my massive backpack, which was almost the size of me, and Avril began laughing.

‘Good job you’re wearing shorts, hey?’ Avril said as she pulled up her trousers and stepped out of the boat into the shallows. I followed suit, my backpack grazing my backside.

‘Wow!’ I looked around. This was truly paradise.

So very different from the mainland. The water was turquoise and clear, the sand whiter than white.

The sounds were different here, nothing like the noise on the mainland.

Here it felt so very calm. Once we were on the shore, I dropped the bag on the sand and sat down.

There were a few huts set back from the beach.

Children swam in the shallows. The women greeted other women and talked loudly in Fijian or Hindi.

There was a gentle buzz about the island that I liked.

It felt like it could be somewhere I could settle for a while, somewhere I could feel safe and protected.

‘Don’t get too comfy,’ Avril said. ‘The next boat leaves in a few minutes.’

I looked up at her, where she was standing over me. ‘What?’

She laughed. ‘We’re getting another boat. This isn’t Totini.’

I looked around again. ‘It isn’t?’

‘No. This is the first island. We need to get another boat. On the other side of the island. It’s a short walk.’

‘Oh.’ I quickly stood and then hurried to keep up with Avril.

It seemed like a pretty innocent comment, but my mind reverted back to yesterday when she had said it was a boat ride away.

I was sure Avril hadn’t purposely tried to trick me, but either way, she had lied and already I began to wonder whether there were any other lies to come.