Page 48 of The Beach Holiday

NOW

‘Bruno.’ I say his name and his face breaks into a huge smile. Jane joins me on the sofa, takes my hand and squeezes it hard.

‘Darling, you remember.’

Feelings and emotions hurl themselves at me. Of feeling alone, powerless, and scared. He looks nervous, like he is gulping a lot. Is he actually crying?

After some more hand squeezing and watching my parents shift about the room uncomfortably, Bruno finally walks towards me.

Then he falls to his knees and pulls me into him. The familiar smell of him makes me want to retch.

‘I should never have let you go,’ he whispers into my ear. Then he clears his throat and lets me go. I look at Bruno and then at Jane.

Bruno stands up and so does Jane. Bruno takes his place on the sofa next to me and I am mesmerised by this man.

It’s like I am seeing him brand new but also as if I have seen him every day for the last few months because he has never really left my mind.

I shift in my seat and Jane gives me a quick smile.

She hadn’t known what Bruno was like. None of them had.

I had left so quickly after he attacked me that I never had a chance to explain it all to them.

I had always worried that they would be disappointed in me, for letting the relationship end.

I was too scared to tell them I had let him treat me so badly for so long.

I was too scared to shatter their illusion of Bruno.

‘There is so much to talk about,’ he says through a snotty laugh and Jane hands him a tissue.

I wonder how he has managed to make himself cry that way.

I have never seen Bruno cry. He blows his nose.

A loud trumpeting sound echoes through the room and there is a smattering of laughter from everyone.

‘When you say you shouldn’t have let me go, what do you mean?’ I ask loudly, with little expression to my voice that I can see has startled my mother as she begins wringing her hands. Jane shifts on the sofa. Another throat clearing and a rattling of the newspaper from my dad this time.

‘Darling. You’ve had quite the adventure, haven’t you? I imagine you need a lot of rest.’ Bruno looks at Jane for confirmation. ‘She probably needs a lot of rest.’

Jane nods firmly. ‘Doctors’ orders.’

I feel my whole body tense up listening to Bruno talk. The sound of his voice makes my jaw tense.

‘You did not let me go,’ I say quietly at first, and when no one seems to notice me I say it louder.

‘You did not let me go,’ I say again, this time attracting the attention of everyone.

And then I am back there again on that day, the smashed wall, the red face, the enraged look in his eyes, the fear quickly replaced by pure relief that I was alive.

That I had made it. But then the fear again, because I knew I might not next time.

And then I remember vividly, that it was I who walked away from Bruno.

I must have shown signs of distress because Bruno was up and Jane took his place, holding a glass of water. I can hear Bruno’s voice in the background as he mutters something to my father who grunts in agreement. Then I feel like I am wrapped in a tornado of voices and images from the past.

It is Fiji. It is Totini. There are so many women, and the men, they are caged.

They are shouting and screaming; there is a fire.

More screams. Then the roundabout begins to slow down, but the images of flawless white beaches are distorted because where I had only seen light colours before, I can now see a darkness amongst the golden beach, the colour of red blood as it runs in streaks across the perfect white sands.