Page 44 of Somewhere Only We Know (Healing in Cincy #4)

JAX

I lie awake in the early morning watching Nate sleep.

The sun is just starting to peek over the horizon and the sheer curtains over the windows bathe the room in a soft purple hue.

In this light my husband is relaxed. This whole trip he’s been on edge and I’ve done what I can to make this trip relaxing.

But yesterday was rough and it was the first time I saw the fracture in my Nate.

We have two days left in Virginia and he’s taken me everywhere except where he needs to go most. Maybe I can barter some things with him? I can’t buy him anything. I mean, I can. But Nate gets mad when I spend my money on him. Doesn’t the man know that gift giving is my love language?

I lightly trace his left hand that’s resting in between us.

For a hard man, he’s all smooth lines. The tattoos pop against the white of the sheets and my attention goes there.

It seems no matter how many times I look at his body–his tattoos, I continue to find new ones every day.

My brows furrow as I look closer at this one that’s on the top of his hand .

“I was wondering when you would notice,” his groggy voice says, breaking me out of the trance.

I look up and see his eyes barely open as sleep is still trying to claim him.

My eyes go back to looking at his hand. Nate loves florals.

Or maybe because I loved the gardens so much, he needed to permanently ink them on his skin.

The letter ‘J’ is outlined in an array of flowers and isn’t noticeable on a quick look but it travels all the way up his arm.

I’ve never noticed, because I’ve kept my eyes on him.

But this, the ink, looks like it’s been well-loved.

“It was my first piece the fall after I was drafted.”

“That had to have hurt,” I note. I don’t have tattoos because having a needle repeatedly poke into me seemed like a not fun time.

“Hurt like a bitch.”

“And that explains why you got more.” I tease.

“I said it hurt. Didn’t say I didn’t like the pain.”

I lightly snort and sit up, placing my elbow on the pillow and resting my head on my fist. I watch as Nate looks at his tattoos, seemingly going back in time to the place he was at when he first got them.

“Would you ever get more?”

“I think I’m tapped out on space.”

“Oh come on. How about a slutty thigh tattoo. That’ll make all the girls go crazy.”

Nate chuckles and pinches my side. “I don’t need all the girls to go crazy. Just my wife.”

Butterflies takeoff every time he says that. And based on the smile that blooms across his face when he sees me blush, he knows it too.

I sober my expression because the sooner we do this, the sooner my husband can heal. “Are you ready for today?”

He rolls onto his back and lets out a heaving sigh while he looks up at the ceiling. “No. But I guess I don’t have a choice.”

“You always have a choice,” I start. “You have a choice to heal and grieve the way I don’t think you’ve allowed yourself to. To feel all the pain that comes with losing a parent. Nathan, you have been on the move for six years. Have you ever stopped?”

“No.” The brokenness of that one word, threatens to break me.

“Will you tell me why?”

Nate continues to stare up at the ceiling and I watch in sadness at the hard swallow that moves through his throat. “When I went to campus that day for the game, my dad was fine. He was lucid and we were making jokes before I had to leave for my game.”

My body ices all over as he tells me the rest.

“During the game he took a turn for the worse. You know the rest. So I like to stay in the delusion that while I’m playing my dad is still alive.

Waiting at home for me to get back to tell him all about it.

And when I’m not playing, it’s like every feeling I’ve suppressed rushes forward and suffocates me. ”

I sit in the weight of his story as I watch tears track down the side of his face.

Nathan is starting to break, but I still don’t think we’ve reached the top of that iceberg.

In a flash he whips the covers off and heads to the bathroom.

I hear the shower turn on not even a minute later.

Flopping on my back, I reach for my phone on the nightstand and open up my group chat.

Me: My husband is broody.

Emily: Yeah. But in a hot way.

Me: Eyes on your own man.

Emily: LOL

Sarah: Yes he is.

Kammy: How’s the trip?

Me: Cold…in more ways than one.

Me: Girls night when I get back?

Sarah: DUH!

Me: Perfect. I’ll invite Sophie, too.

I exit out of my message app and head to socials.

I have a DM waiting from Ellie, letting me know she’d be thrilled to be a guest on my podcast. We’d have to do it virtually since she’s heavily pregnant.

But I don’t care. I love what she’s done with her platform.

Checking my email, I see one from my manager about the possibility of a podcast tour with other hosts.

I’m taken aback, because this is not what I imagined for my show.

Although I can’t deny that it would be a great way to reach a bigger audience.

I star the email and place my phone back on the nightstand as Nate walks out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist. His skin is dewy from the steam in the bathroom and my mouth goes dry as a singular water droplet trails down his torso.

A shirt hits me in the face and I pull it down.

“Go shower you fein.” Nate says with a laugh.

Rolling my eyes, I finally climb out of bed and stretch.

My nipples are at pointed peaks and Nate has the restraint of a saint.

Or maybe not as evidenced by the tent starting to form under his towel.

I ogle his physique then head to the bathroom.

I shake my head and the arousal from my body before brushing my teeth and hopping into the shower.

Nate and I sit in the car at the cemetery.

We parked a few minutes ago and have been staring out the front windshield.

The sun is shining brightly today with a slight breeze that hopefully won’t run us off.

We stopped to pick up some flowers and when Nate hesitated on which to buy since his Dad wasn’t a flower guy, I picked out a peony and tulip combo from Trader Joe’s.

“I think I wanna go out first.” Nate says, breaking the silence.

I look over at him, but his focus stays on the cemetery. “Okay. Just come and get me when you want me to join.”

Nate nods and takes the flowers I hand out to him. The cold January air rushes in before the door closes, blanketing me in silence again. I watch my broody boy walk to his dads resting spot. His hulking stature is still as a statue as he glances down at the headstone.

“Come on, baby. Just talk,” I say from my spot in the passenger seat.

I almost want to dance when his shoulders fall from his ears and he takes the flowers out of the plastic wrap and places them on the ground.

A sigh of relief and awe escapes when Nate drops down to the ground.

I look away to let him have his moment and I feel like no time at all has passed when in reality it’s been about an hour as a soft tap on my window knocks me out of my doom scrolling.

Dropping my phone in the cupholder, I snag the keys and meet Nate outside.

He holds his hand out to me and I let him lead me to his dad.

After knowing Nate for as long as I have, it’s not hard to know that his dad was, and still is, his idol.

Just because someone is no longer here, it doesn’t take away the impact they left on people .

“Dad, this is Jax,” my heart warms and my eyes fill with tears. “Jax, this is my Dad, Chris. Only my mom got to call him Christopher.”

“It’s very nice to meet you. I hear I’m a legend at your house.” Nate groans and I elbow him in the stomach. “It’s okay. He was a legend at my parents house too.”

Nate’s hand goes to my waist as he sits back on the ground and I follow suit.

“That summer before our final year of school, he and Mom joked that they were surprised I didn’t come home with a ring on my finger from how much I talked about you.”

“You and your crush,” I tease him and he leans over to kiss me on the cheek. “But look at us now.”

“Dad, Jax is my wife. As I’m sure you already know. You have a daughter-in-law who is kind, funny, stubborn, sometimes frustrating, and so full of love that I still wonder how I got so lucky.”

I wipe my tears on the sleeve of my sweatshirt. “I’m not frustrating.”

Nate wraps his arm around my shoulders and pulls me to him. “See, Dad? I told you she was funny.”

A gust of wind swirls around us and I take that as a sign. “Huh. It seems your Dad does agree that I’m funny as well.”

We sit at Chris’s grave, talking and joking. The mood is light and I see Nate open more than I ever have before.

“I miss you, Dad. Will you at least let Mom know it’s okay for all of us to be happy?”

I rub small circles on Nate’s thigh, letting him know that his hurt is valid.

“Ready?” he asks.

“Can I talk to him alone? ”

Nate looks at me, like I’m DaVinci…or in his case a fat fastball over home plate. “Yeah, Bee. I’ll be at the car.”

I watch as Nate gets up and places a kiss on the head stone before walking over to the car. He leans back on the side and watches me with a soft smile.

“I hate that we’re meeting like this.” I tell Chris and his headstone gets blurry from the tears that have formed.

“In college he talked about you a lot. I almost felt like you were Bigfoot: legendary but visible to only him. Turns out, you’re still legendary but you’re far from invisible.

If there are ways for you to send signs to Nate and his mom, I’ll take it.

I can’t stand to watch my husband hurting during a time when he should be happy.

He’s at the top of his game and we finally have each other back.

” I drop my chin on my closed fists and read over the writing.

“I love your son. So much. Without him it was like I was an incomplete puzzle.

I kept looking for those missing pieces that when we found ourselves back in each other's lives, I realized he had them all along. You raised an amazing man and I promise to love him the way he deserves. Thank you.”

Standing up, I brush off the dead grass and fallen leaves before looking at Chris’s resting place one last time and heading to my husband.

“Are you okay?” Nate asks when I stand in front of him. His hands come up and gently wipe away the stray tears.

“Yeah,” I say with more conviction than I feel. “One last stop?”

“Yeah. One last stop.”

Nate parks the car on the street instead of in the driveway like last time. This time, he’s not as nervous. I think he’s more pissed than anything.

“Come on. The sooner this is done, the quicker we can get back to the hotel and nap.”

I snort and meet him on the outside. My shoes clack on the pavement as we walk up to the front door which swings open again before Nate has a chance to ring the bell.

“Hey.” Kayla greets and holds the door open wider for us.

Nate doesn’t move to take my coat and I make no effort to take it off. He’s a man on a mission and Kayla and I are left to follow in his trail. We stand at the entrance to the kitchen when Nate approaches his mom who’s doing everything in her power to ignore him.

“Mom, it’s clear you don’t understand my reasoning for staying married or why I stayed away for so long.

You lost your husband. But I also lost a dad.

And I couldn’t breathe here. Everywhere I turned, I saw him.

And I know it was no better for you or Kayla.

But I chased a dream that was placed before me and I get to remember Dad the way I want to.

Mom,” Nate pauses as he thinks carefully over the words he wants to say.

And when he does, they cut, “there is no joy here in this house.” Kayla and I flinch when he says that and I don’t miss it from his mom either.

I wait with bated breath as Nate stands desperately in front of his mom. Waiting for her to say something or at least acknowledge him.

Kayla lets go of my hand and steps forward. “Mom, I miss Dad. But I miss you more.”

She looks up at Kayla and I can see that the years have taken a big hit on her. “I live in this house, Kayla.”

“No you don’t. You might as well be a ghost just like Dad. ”

The three of them have a stand-off and it’s like watching lions circle each other. Round and around. Waiting for one of them to make the first move.

Nate’s mom caves first. Her shoulders and face fall in defeat. And it’s like the weight in the room has finally lifted.

“I miss your Dad. Everyday I ache and I don’t know how to breathe most days.” She says and tears stream down her face.

Nate rounds the kitchen island and takes his mom in his arms. “I know Mom. But we’re still here.” He holds his arm out for Kayla and I watch with a tearful smile as this family comes back together. He places a kiss on his mom’s head and steps back.

“Jax, I’m sorry for my behavior the other day.” She tells me.

“It’s okay. I know it wasn’t personal.”

She gives me a smile and I see where Nate gets it from. “I am happy for you two. But, really? Vegas?”

“Drunk or sober, I would’ve still married her.” Nate says and is it possible for me to get down on one knee and re-propose?

“You two do plan to have a proper wedding, right?” His mom asks and looks between the two of us.

“Maybe one day,” I answer.

We end up staying longer than Nate guessed we would. But when he yawns five times in fifteen minutes, we’re told to get some sleep.

And as soon as we get back to our hotel room, we both flop on the bed and nap.