Page 42 of Somewhere Only We Know (Healing in Cincy #4)

NATE

A fter eating breakfast at one of the popular spots in the area, we’re finally headed to my parents–my mom’s–house.

I purposefully drive down all of the back roads I can possibly take until there are no more back roads to take and the road to the neighborhood looms right up ahead.

Jax has kept our hands linked together the entire drive.

Maybe she knew what I was doing and I love her even more for not calling me out on my stalling.

Mom retired last year, so her car and Kayla’s are parked in the driveway when I pull up and park on the street. My thumbs tap out a mindless rhythm on the steering wheel. It could be that I’m mimicking my heartbeat. I should see a cardiologist. This isn’t normal.

“Natey,” Jax says softly from next to me.

I look over at her sitting patiently in the passenger seat and give her a soft smile. “Ready? I ask instead.

She nods and leans over the center console, offering me a kiss that I will never refuse. Her hand comes up and cradles my face. The small touch calms me down just slightly .

“I love you.”

“I love you too, Bee. Let’s go.”

I take the key out of the ignition and meet Jax around at the front of the car with my hand outstretched. She leans into me as we make the walk to the front door which swings open before I can ring the doorbell.

“Hi, LaLa,” I greet my sister. Jax drops my hand right as Kayla launches herself at me.

I’ve mostly stuck to FaceTimes to see my family.

Every once in a while they’ll fly up to see me, but it’s been about a year since we were all in the same place.

I can admit that I’ve failed as a son and a brother on more than one account.

“Stop being gone for so long, Nana.” Kayla scolds me.

She’s about to start her second semester at the local community college, with no clue what she wants to do with her life. And that’s fine. This year is all about Kayla exploring her options.

“I’m a terrible brother.”

“Yeah you are.”

Kayla steps back and I get a good look at her. Maybe I expected tired eyes and a gaunt face, but my sister is healthy. I hope the same can be said for Mom.

“And who is this?” Kayla asks when she looks next to me.

I hold my hand back out to Jax and tug her forward, tucking her under my arm. “This is Jax.”

Kayla rears back and holds up her hand. “Wait, the Jax?”

“Am I famous?” my wife asks teasingly.

A gust of cold January wind hits us, forcing us to finally cross over the threshold. Nothing like jumping in with both feet. I take Jax’s coat and hang it up on the hooks that have been here since college and then place mine on top of hers.

“Famous? No. Legendary? Absolutely.” Kayla gleefully boasts while I let loose a groan .

Tentatively we walk deeper into the house.

I feel him everywhere. I keep expecting him to be sitting on the couch or stomping down the stairs or hear the popping of the Orbit gum he was always chomping on.

But I know I won’t because he’s gone. It’s a sobering realization as the hallway opens up to the kitchen and living room that he’s nowhere to be found.

And it’s strange because these two rooms are the heart of the house and have been since we first moved here decades ago.

So for him to no longer be here—it’s something I have to come to terms with, while Mom and Kayla have been living in it.

“How legendary are we talking?” Jax asks and my mom turns around at her voice. “And why do you call Nate, Nana ?”

“Let’s just say that when he was on his phone, we knew he was texting you. And when I was younger, I couldn’t pronounce anything with a T or an H, so Nana stuck.”

“Cute.” Jax says and turns her head to look at me, sticking her tongue out when she does.

I give her a soft smile and kiss her on the back of the head before moving around her to go hug my mom.

“Hi, honey.” My mom says and wraps her arms around my torso.

It’s easy to forget that your parents are fragile. The older you get, unfortunately, the older they get. So it’s easier to tell in small acts of love like a hug. My cheek rests on top of my mom’s head and I let her hug charge me like a battery.

“You don’t call. You don’t visit. I was starting to think you forgot your way back home.”

Although she can’t see me, I wince. “I know. I needed a reason to come back.”

Marrying Jax helped me realize that I can go home. No matter how painful the reminder of who I lost. Or what I lost.

“Did I hear something about Jax?”

Kayla sighs, but it’s with love. “Nate finally brought her to visit.”

I groan towards my sister and Mom laughs as she steps away from me, turning her sights on Jax before moving towards her and taking her in a hug. “My goodness you are stunning.”

I turn around in time to see a blush and smile covering Jax’s face. “Thank you.”

Honestly, I always thought college Jax was beautiful.

But that version of her has nothing on what she’s bloomed into today.

Stunning is a tame word to describe Jax.

She’s…some days I can never find my words around Jax.

Yes, my wife’s beauty ties me up in knots.

And I think she knows that when she teases me.

“What really brings you two here?” My mom asks with her arm still around Jax.

“It was time. And we have news.”

My mom and Kayla look at Jax’s stomach before looking at me. “Are…you…?”

“No!” Jax and I say at once. I hold my hand out to Jax and Mom begrudgingly lets her go. “We got married.”

“What!?” Kayla yells.

When we hold our hands up they’re both in shock. Which to be fair is the face Jax and I made when we woke up in Vegas.

“When?” My mom asks as her face drops.

Jax looks at me and wills me with just her eyes that I’m on my own. Her parents were easier to break the news to.

“Uh, November.”

You know when it’s snowing? And the falling flakes are thick enough that it mutes the noises around you.

You can finally hear your thoughts in a world that’s always too loud.

Every time it snows in Cincinnati, which isn’t a lot as the weather is sometimes very similar to Virginia Beach’s, I feel like that.

Like the silence is a comforting source of joy for someone whose life is always hands-on and on the move.

But this moment? When my mom and Kayla are stone-faced and slack-jaw after hearing that Jax and I got married almost two months ago? Yeah, I hate the silence.

“Two months? Nathan Alexander,” ouch , “I know you did not keep this from me, us, for two months.” My mom scolds me and I feel about two feet tall.

“We just saw you at Thanksgiving and nothing.” Kayla says and her hands drop on her legs in shock and defeat.

I blow out a breath. “Why don’t we sit and I’ll explain?”

Jax rubs her nails down my back in a soothing gesture as I wait for the two women I’ve shut out to agree to taking a seat. Exchanging a look, they move to the living room and we follow, getting settled in the broken-in leather sectional.

“Now, November?” Kayla asks.

“Yes. In Vegas. And it was after Thanksgiving for Chance and Sophie’s joint bachelor-bachelorette party,” I explain and feel like I’m now two feet tall when I see my mom looking more upset with me than I’ve ever seen.

“Nathan,” she sighs exasperatedly and I know she’s about to say that a mistake like this can ruin my career.

“Mom, don’t. I love you and I have so much respect for you—” I start to plead my case.

“So why are you two still married?”

I feel Jax’s body flinch like she was hit and to be fair, my reaction isn’t any better. I had hoped my mom would be happy for me. Or at least be a little warm. Not question why Jax and I are still married .

“Because we love each other. And because when we woke up the next morning, we ran through every scenario, including divorce and an annulment. Trust us, that was on the table.” I look down at Jax and she looks at me with a small smile that doesn’t reach her eyes.

“The thought of divorcing Jax made me sick. I was already lost without her. I didn’t want to lose her again.

” I don’t miss the watering of her eyes or the slight tremble in her bottom lip.

“Wait. Rewind. How did you two come back to each other?” this time it’s Kayla who asks. My sister is a romantic and also loves her romance books. So me and Jax are like a romance book couple come to life for her.

“Funny enough, she was at one of our home games. I saw her talking with Chance and her sister and I thought I saw a ghost. Because there was no way the one that got away, the one I pushed away, was at a game that I was playing in.”

“Let me guess, love at first sight all over again?”

I snort and Jax laughs, burying her face in my chest. “Not even close. Jax hated me. She can deny it all she wants, but she hated me and how I ended us.”

“And you had to grovel.” Kayla notes.

“Exactly.”

My sister goes on about the books she’s read where the exact thing has happened. Of course she said she’s never known anyone in real life like where that’s happened. But Jax and I are living proof that it can.

When there's a lull in the conversation, I tell them the real reason we’re down here. “I also wanted to visit Dad. That’s one of the other reasons we came down here.”

My admission sobers up the room. It’ll take a bit longer to win over Mom and my choice to get married without her there. But like Jax, I still want the big wedding with our family and friends present. We’re just not in a rush for that to happen.

“It’s good that you want to do that.” My mom says and stands up. “Excuse me.”

“Mom…” I begin and reach for her as she passes, but she evades my touch.

Jax’s body is stiff. And for good reason.

She knows the good of my family. How when I would come back to Philadelphia I would have a plethora of stories to tell her.

But this version of my mom is not the woman I would tell Jax about.

It makes it seem like she’s not accepting of Jax and that fear of abandonment and unwantedness is probably rushing forward.