Page 12 of Somewhere Only We Know (Healing in Cincy #4)

JAX

PRESENT DAY

T he rumble of his truck fading in the distance as he drives down the street infuriates me.

If I were a lesser person, I would make the same sound as his truck.

But I don’t. Okay, maybe my huffing in frustration is enough because it veers more to a growl than a huff.

And when Kamryn shuts the door behind her, I pounce.

“Why didn’t Sophie give you a ride home?” I ask harsher than intended. But I’m angry. And mad. And hurt at seeing him for the first time in almost eight years. He doesn’t deserve to know where I live and my sister just gave him the roadmap.

My sister’s eyebrows raise for battle and she crosses her arms over her chest. And I know, from the stance she’s taken, that whatever it is he told her, she’s about to turn right around and question me.

“Why did it take him telling a story about the girl he had to leave in college for me to connect the dots that it was you?”

Fuck . “He told you?” I ask like a scared child.

“No. I mean, not outright. But I put the pieces together before we left the bar.” She says softly and toes her shoes off before walking forward and sitting on my couch, patting the spot next to her.

“J, how come you never told me about him? And I don’t mean him as the guy you were dating.

But why didn’t you tell me about him as your friend? ”

I shrug and begrudgingly move from my peeping Tom spot at the window and drop next to her.

The cushions envelope me in a soft embrace and I run my fingers over the soft material.

I use the material to bring me calm because if anything, speaking about my past with Nate will be anything but calm for me.

“I didn’t know how to bring any of it up.

Nate being my best friend and then my boyfriend.

” I start with a shrug. “You were states away for college. We weren’t as close as you like to think, so to tell you about this friend of mine who’s important to me, didn’t seem necessary.

And then you and Liam were finally happy which then turned into fighting all the time and coming to my big sister with boy troubles just seemed insignificant then. ”

“Hey.” She scolds and grabs my hand. “Nothing about what is going on in your life is insignificant. Do you understand me? God, I kick myself for how far apart we were back then and I wish you would have come to me during that time.”

How can she say that? From my end, the amount of tearful phone calls I got from her was enough to make me keep my issues to myself. So no. I couldn’t have come to her when she was already drowning.

“You don’t get it, Kam.”

“Then explain it to me,” she pleads desperately.

I stand up from the couch and pace. I pace and pace until Sully walks up to me, sensing my distress, and rests her head on my stomach, looking up at me.

How do I explain that the nine months Nate and I spent together changed me?

We had already mastered the friends part of our relationship.

It was just a matter of mastering the love part and we did that with our whole hearts.

Nine months is nothing to most people. But nine months was plenty of time for us to fall head over heels in love with each other and move the pieces for our future.

“When he told me he had feelings for me, I shut him down,” I tell her and look at Kamryn who drops her chin in her hands.

She scrutinizes me thoroughly and usually I don’t mind her stare on me.

But this time it’s unnerving. It’s like she’s using the small amount of psych techniques she picked up on and is now using that on me. And I hate it.

“He said the girl he liked didn’t want to be like her sister and ruin a friendship with feelings,” Kamryn mumbles and looks up at me with mournful eyes.

“I didn’t,” I choke out. “Kam, seeing the way you were after Mason—especially, and Liam, that was the last thing I wanted for myself.

Instead of embracing love, I was terrified of it after watching you sulk around the house heartbroken.

And I always made sure to hold him at arm's length. I was a master at doing that. But no matter what, I could be having the best day or the worst day—he was always my Nate and that was the most consistent thing I could rely on.”

One of the hardest things about having to forge your own path, is figuring out who to dig that path out with.

When Kamryn went to college, I had to learn to stand on my own.

Sure, I had Emily, but James went to college locally so she was as disconnected from high school as one could get.

Slowly, I began to find me as Jax. And not me as Kamryn’s sister.

And then I met Nate. Well, more like I bulldozed my way into his life and he didn’t push me away.

But soon I began to find my way into adulthood with him by my side.

We took turns digging out a path that was wide enough for us to walk side-by-side.

I never would’ve guessed or planned for him or I to develop feelings for each other.

Of course, my feelings were slower to form because I’m terrible at reading romantic signs.

But Nate, his patience with me and how much he understood me, made his leaving that much harder to handle.

“Until he left,” Kam finishes.

“Yeah. And I know you’re probably kicking yourself for not stepping in, because that’s what older siblings do when they realize their younger sibling was hurting. But I needed to crawl out of the hole on my own.”

For the most part I’m as independent as one can be.

But there are times when I need someone else to depend on.

There are times when the loneliness is too much loneliness and I need someone by my side.

Someone else to carry the weight of the heaviness and loneliness of living in a world where you were completely lost. I always thought Nate was that person until I became too dependent on him. And I was right back to being lonely.

“And then Trent entered the picture,” Kam surmises.

I groan and drop onto the floor with Sully moving to lay her head in my lap.

“It’s weird that as soon as I buffed and shined myself after the dirt of that hole I was in and the loneliness was a thing of the past, he came along and slowly scuffed me back up.

But, hey. At least I was no longer lonely. ”

“So why did you–” Kamryn looks like she struggles to find the word when that’s never been her issue before.

“Stay?” I ask and my voice cracks on that small, yet impactful, word.

There are several reasons why some choose to stay in, unbeknownst to them, toxic or abusive relationships.

For me, it was comfort and maybe I was a little terrified of what would happen if I broke up with him.

I was terrified for myself because I was once again dependent on someone to help make me whole.

So yes, I was comfortable with Trent. But I was also fearful of what he would do if one more person crossed him and I didn’t want to be in that destructive path.

“Yeah,” my sister whispers.

“I was just clinging to anyone who helped keep me out of that hole I found myself in. And if I got scuffed along the way I could deal with it. Now, I realize how unhealthy that was.”

Sully nuzzles my hand for more pets and I give her just that.

“And where do you stand now?”

“On what?”

“Love,” Kam starts, “you used to be the biggest believer. But, I’m scared that both men have tainted your idea of it.”

I look at my sister and roll my head to the side.

I smile a smile that doesn’t reach my eyes as I feel the familiar burn of tears stinging in my eyes.

“I still believe in love. That moment when it all clicks into place. But I think my heart is just too bruised to even think about letting someone in.”

Valentine’s Day…as cheesy as the Hallmark Holiday is, is one of my favorite days.

It’s the one day where love is the main focus.

Sure, telling your partner you love them every day should be the norm.

You don’t need an excuse to bring them flowers or take them out for a fancy dinner.

But for some inexplicable reason, Valentine’s Day ensures that those you love know that you love them.

“Hold on the fact that you’re still willing to let someone in despite being burned.” Kam says and stands up from the couch, heading back to her shoes.

I give her a puzzled look. “What do you mean?”

“He didn’t want to leave college–you. ”

With those words she shakes the foundation that I believed in. From my point of view he made it seem like leaving was the easiest thing he could have done. Just one text and that was that. But with Kamryn saying this, I no longer know what I’m supposed to believe.

“What are you saying?”

Kamryn stands back up after tying her last shoe and gives me her undivided attention.

“I can’t tell you anymore than that. But I remember you during that time, J.

I may have shut everyone out, but I remember.

And I think you should hear him out. Because I like who you are now.

I like getting to know my sister again. And I think Nate can make that permanent. ”

I stay seated with my dog softly snoring in my lap as my sister heads home to her husband.

I want that. Not my sister’s husband. But someone to go and come home to.

I see what Kamryn, Emily, and Sarah have and I wonder if I’ll have that.

I know that I can have that. But has my time run out to get my happily ever after? Has my luck on love run out?

I have so much to be grateful for. I have a job.

A place to live. A place to sleep. But in dropping Trent and seeing Nate again, my heart is at war.

Do I run back into the arms of someone that made me dependent on their company?

Or do I do everything in my power to continue building a life that I can be proud of, alone?

The black and white of the two choices: dependent or independent, sound loud in my ears.

Which one do I choose? Is there a way to have them both?

I bury my face in Sully’s fur and cry because for the first time in my life, I have no clue the direction my personal life will go. And Nate reappearing threatens the uncertainty.