Page 43 of See the Stars

Alice checked the clock. Zelda should be back by now.

She’d considered going to the airport to meet her off her flight back from Peru, but she hadn’t been able to contact her to arrange it.

Plus, she had a surprise for her, right here in the flat, and she didn’t want to leave it alone.

It had taken some tough negotiations with the landlord, but with an extra deposit and reassurances about replacing any damaged furniture, she’d finally convinced him.

She couldn’t get over how tiny the kitten was. She’d been lucky to get a kitten as a rescue cat, especially with his beautiful grey fur.

Basalt. That was what she’d name him. After the igneous rock that Zelda so loved.

She looked at the clock again, then reached for her phone. Zelda’s number went straight to voicemail. Perhaps her plane had been delayed and she was still in the air. Or maybe she’d forgotten to turn her phone back on when she’d landed.

Alice missed her friend more than she cared to admit.

A month without Zelda had been so difficult.

It had reminded her how strong their friendship was and how important Zelda was to her.

She’d forgiven her for what had happened with Boxley.

She couldn’t wait to tell her that, and to introduce her to the kitten that she’d bought to say sorry.

Basalt would make everything OK between them.

She turned her attention back to the kitten, who seemed to be hunting a piece of fluff he’d spotted on the wooden floor. Alice blew on it and the kitten pounced.

She smiled. Zelda was going to love him.

It had been hours. The kitten was curled up fast asleep on Alice’s lap. Alice shifted slightly on the sofa to pick up her phone and quickly googled flight arrivals, wishing she’d thought of that earlier.

There was Zelda’s plane. It had arrived on schedule.

Perhaps Zelda had missed it. That wasn’t like her, her friend was always early, but there could have been delays outside her control.

Alice stroked the kitten, who emitted a soft chirping noise as he adjusted himself in her lap.

She wanted to get up and go to the loo, but she didn’t want to disturb the gorgeously warm bundle of fur that had made her his bed.

Her phone rang. The cat jumped up and darted under the sofa at the sound. Alice smiled as she answered.

‘Alice? It’s Margot, Zelda’s mum.’

‘Has Zelda been delayed?’ said Alice, feeling anxious. ‘I was expecting her a while ago . . . ’

‘I’m afraid I have some bad news.’

Margot broke down. Alice did her best to understand what she was saying, but it was interrupted by sobs, and then by the throbbing in her own ears.

Zelda had gone for a walk on her own the previous morning. There’d been a volcanic rock that she’d yet to collect, which was usually found high up on the trail.

She’d never come back.

Alice listened as her mum explained that there would be an inquest. She’d fallen from the edge of the volcanic lip and hit the earth below. She wouldn’t have suffered.

‘Fallen?’ asked Alice, all she could say.

‘No one saw what happened,’ replied her mother. ‘But yes. It sounds like a fall.’ She paused. ‘It couldn’t have been anything else,’ she said, a little doubt in her voice. ‘An accident,’ she added, as if to reassure herself. ‘A tragic accident.’

The cat came out from underneath the sofa, meowing softly. Alice lifted her head as he jumped up, rubbing his face against her tears.

She was replaying the last conversation she’d had with Zelda. The one when she’d been angry. When she hadn’t told Zelda she’d forgiven her.

When Zelda had told her what she was feeling.

And when Alice had not understood. Or chosen not to understand.

She’d never forgive herself.

She couldn’t continue at the university. She couldn’t look at the stars.

Not without Zelda.

She held the cat to her. He didn’t wriggle away. They sat there together, a messy blend of fur, tears, grief and regrets.

‘Alice,’ called Sheila from outside her bedroom door. ‘I really think you should eat something.’

Alice could hear the concern in her mother’s voice, but she didn’t lift her head from the pillow. The last time she’d been grief-stricken, it was Zelda who had looked after her. She still remembered the taste of the carrot-laden sandwich on her tongue.

It had been two months, maybe three, since she’d had the news.

The first few weeks she’d spent in her room in Edinburgh.

She’d fed the kitten, but barely herself at all.

Eventually her mother had come to fetch her, to bring her home.

Alice had reluctantly come with her and now spent most of her days in her room, playing with Basalt and occasionally accepting food.

‘Come down, please?’ entreated Sheila. ‘It’s not far, just the kitchen. I’ve made scrambled eggs.’

Alice sighed. She could feel her stomach rebelliously rumbling for food. She heaved herself up, wrapped an old terrycloth robe around herself and stood, feeling slightly dizzy as she did so. ‘I’m coming,’ she said, her voice croaking with lack of speech. Her mouth tasted rotten.

Her voice woke up Basalt, who had been curled up asleep in a sunny corner of the room. He stretched out luxuriously before getting up to join her. Alice bent to stroke him, then made her way downstairs, the cat darting through her legs on the staircase to beat her to the kitchen.

‘There you are, love,’ said her mum, putting a plate on the table in front of her. She sat opposite and looked at her. Alice picked at the eggs at first, then ate the lot. Sheila beamed at her. ‘Tea?’ she offered.

Alice nodded, and her mother set about boiling the kettle. ‘The university has been in touch,’ she said, as she took some chicken out of the fridge for Basalt. ‘They want to know when you’re coming back.’

Alice put her head in her hands. She couldn’t face the prospect of returning. She didn’t deserve the stars; she didn’t deserve anything good. Not after what she’d set in motion.

Not without Zelda.

‘You don’t have to go back, you know,’ said Sheila, putting a steaming mug of tea in front of her. ‘You could do something else.’

‘I can’t stay here for ever,’ said Alice, her voice crackly from lack of use.

She couldn’t. She couldn’t bear being in this house; it reminded her too much of her grandfather, and how unkind she’d been to him.

Again, she’d never apologised. She’d never made it right with the two people who meant the most to her in the world.

And now they were gone.

‘You are welcome here always,’ said her mum, reaching out to take her hand. ‘But that’s not what I meant. I was speaking to your Auntie Jane, and her Adam said they’re always recruiting physics graduates into their programme.’ She looked at Alice, nodding encouragingly. ‘In The City.’

Alice ran her fingers through her greasy hair. She couldn’t stay here. She couldn’t go back to Edinburgh. She didn’t know anything about finance, she didn’t care about money and she’d never even been to London.

‘It’s very competitive, he said,’ continued her mother. ‘And long hours, if you get in. But you’re so clever, Alice. You can do it. I know you can.’

Alice knew no such thing, but she found herself warming to the idea.

She’d be busy, she’d be distracted. Maybe the work would even help her sleep through the night, a few hours of glorious relief from the thoughts that currently swirled around her brain while she lay in the darkness.

It wasn’t her dream, but she didn’t deserve her dream, not any more.

‘OK,’ she said. ‘I’ll do it.’

‘Really?’ said Sheila, unable to hide her surprise. ‘I mean, that is brilliant. I’ll see what we need to do about applications. I think he said something about a website . . . ’

Alice tuned out her mother’s excited chatter and took a sip of her tea. Basalt finished his chicken and jumped onto her lap. She stroked him, then buried her face in his sweet-smelling kitten fur. He purred in response, delighted. ‘I have to feed you somehow,’ she told him. ‘It’s just us now.’