Page 13 of See the Stars

‘Would you like more potatoes?’ Alice passed the bowl in Matt’s direction. It was her last night at home before she went back to university for Hogmanay. Matt had joined their family for dinner.

‘You look different,’ he told her, his eyes on hers. ‘Really different.’

‘I’ll have more potatoes,’ said Eddy. ‘Over here.’

Matt passed Eddy the bowl. ‘Save room for dessert,’ said Sheila. ‘I’ve made apple crumble.’

‘My favourite,’ said Matt.

‘I know,’ said Sheila. ‘There’ll be no apple crumble in Iraq.’

‘Iraq?’ Alice asked, her forkful of stew in mid-air.

‘I’m being posted,’ said Matt. He picked up his own fork and started to move peas around on his plate.

‘But not to fight,’ said Alice.

‘Of course to fight,’ said Eddy. ‘He’s in the army.’

Alice put her fork down.

‘Don’t look so worried,’ said Matt, with a nervous laugh. He scooped some peas onto his fork and put them in his mouth. ‘I’ll be fine.’

‘You’ve changed so much,’ said Matt, after dinner.

He turned his head towards Alice. The three of them were lying outside on a blanket on the grass, resting in the cold air after eating their body weight in apple crumble.

Sheila was inside, trying to coax Grandpa into taking his pills.

‘It’s only been a few months, but I barely recognised you. ’

‘That’s because it’s dark.’ Eddy laughed.

‘I saw her when it was light too,’ said Matt, sounding annoyed.

‘I feel different,’ said Alice. ‘Getting away from here, meeting new people. Learning new things. It changes you.’

‘A new library and a few snogs and she thinks she’s Bear Grylls,’ said Eddy, flicking a beetle from his shoulder.

‘You should try it,’ said Matt, rolling to his side so they were both in his field of vision. ‘Go somewhere new. Try different experiences.’

‘I don’t need to cross the Atlantic in a dinghy to know who I am,’ said Eddy.

‘Fair enough,’ said Matt. He picked a leaf off the blanket and tossed it to one side. ‘I’d rather stay here than where I’m going,’ he admitted, his voice quiet.

Alice looked at him. ‘Are you scared?’ she asked.

‘Of course,’ said Matt. They sat in silence for a moment. Then he tried to laugh it off. ‘No, wait. Let me think of something brave to say.’

‘You’ll be fine,’ said Eddy. ‘You’ll probably just get bored. The squaddies from the pub said they spent most of the time playing Nintendo.’ He gave his friend a little shove. ‘Practise enough and maybe you’ll finally beat me at Gran Turismo when you’re back.’

It was a joke, but none of them quite managed a laugh. Alice looked up at the sky. ‘There’s the Coma star cluster,’ she said, pointing. ‘Look.’

Matt followed her finger. ‘By Leo?’

‘Yes, by the tail. Near the Plough.’

‘If you guys are going to chat stars, I’m going to help Mum,’ said Eddy, starting to sit up. ‘Grandpa still isn’t in bed.’

‘Tell him to come out,’ said Alice. ‘We could open up the shed.’

‘No way,’ said Eddy. ‘He’s always trying to creep out here. Mum would kill me.’ He got to his feet and walked towards the house. Alice and Matt watched him go, then both turned their gaze to the stars.

‘There’s dark skies in the desert,’ he said. ‘Great seeing, apparently. I’m going to take some binoculars, try to get some stargazing in.’

‘It’s a different latitude,’ said Alice. ‘You’ll get a whole different perspective.’ She watched a moth fluttering past her head.

‘It’s why I joined the army,’ said Matt. ‘I wanted to see the world. I couldn’t bear the thought of staying here, in this small town, my whole life.’

‘There are safer ways to see the world,’ said Alice. She looked for the moth again, but it had disappeared in the darkness.

‘And I wanted to get my degree,’ said Matt. ‘I don’t just want to see the world. I want to learn about it and understand how it works.’

Alice nodded. She felt the same. ‘Maybe even change how things work.’

‘Exactly,’ said Matt. ‘You understand.’ He picked another leaf from the blanket. ‘We’ve been given a life. Just one. I don’t want to waste mine sitting around doing normal things. I want to get out there. Explore. Learn. Change.’

‘Discover the secrets of the universe,’ said Alice.

‘Yes.’ He tossed the leaf aside. ‘Not many people round here want that. But you do. I’ve always known that.’

Alice stared into space, feeling a warmth inside her from his words. ‘Look,’ she gasped, suddenly. ‘A meteor. There!’

Matt rolled to his back, closer to her than he had been. She could feel the heat emanating from his body as his gaze followed her arm. ‘I see it,’ he exclaimed.

The meteor disappeared, but Alice lay still, hardly breathing. She felt that if she moved, this moment might end.

‘It’s nice,’ said Matt, after they had shared a long silence, their bodies almost touching. ‘Being here with you.’

‘Yes,’ said Alice.

He turned his head so he was looking at her. ‘Are you seeing anyone?’ he asked. ‘At uni?’

‘Nothing serious,’ she replied. It was the truth, but she also liked how it sounded. Casual, laid-back, cool, perhaps. Not words she’d usually use to describe herself. Maybe she had changed.

‘Listen,’ he said, resting his head on his arm.

‘I know you’re going back to uni, and I’m off to Iraq .

. . ’ Alice turned her gaze from the stars to his face.

Now they were so close their noses were almost touching.

She could feel his breath, gently tickling her lip.

‘But maybe when we’re both here next, we could—’

‘Cocoa?’ Alice saw her mother smiling down at them both. ‘It’s chilly out here.’

‘You’ve got a quiet walk, Mrs Jones,’ said Matt, quickly sitting up. ‘You crept out here like a cat.’

‘Not interrupting anything, I hope,’ Sheila said with a laugh.

‘Not at all.’ He reached out and took a cup of cocoa, taking a sip before Alice could warn him to wait. ‘Ouch,’ he said. ‘That’s hot.’

‘It will be hot in the desert,’ said Sheila.

‘I wasn’t planning to lick the sand,’ said Matt. He put the cup down carefully on the grass. ‘Thank you,’ he added.

‘You’re welcome.’ Sheila looked at them both. ‘So, what are we talking about out here?’ she asked, sitting down with them.

‘Not much,’ said Alice. She smiled at Matt, who flashed her a smile back. ‘We were just looking at the stars.’

‘I’ve seen it! Come on, Alice, quick!’

Alice opened her eyes. She’d gone to bed late and had been dreaming about handsome soldiers and warm bodies. And now here was her grandfather, at her door again in the middle of the night. He had woken her up so many times over this holiday, for nothing. She was losing patience.

‘Go back to bed, Grandpa,’ she said. ‘I need my sleep.’

‘Sleep when you’re dead, Alice! Night-time is for the comets! And I’ve found a new one!’

‘You’ve been in bed,’ said Alice, her voice gentle.

‘I saw it through the window with my binoculars, smarty-pants. Come on, let’s go out. I saw your mum hide the key to my observatory in the biscuit tin, sneaky woman.’

Her grandpa had been ‘finding’ undiscovered comets all through the holidays, usually in his dreams. Alice sighed and started to peel herself out of bed.

‘OK, let’s just stop off in the kitchen first,’ she said, employing her usual tactic. ‘Maybe make some cocoa to keep us warm before we head out?’

‘Don’t you fob me off with that,’ said her grandpa. ‘I’ve spotted something. We need to go.’ He paused. ‘We haven’t been out for ages. Come on. For old times’ sake.’

Something tugged at Alice. Stargazing with her grandfather while the rest of the world slept. Just the two of them. Fresh air. Night skies.

She glanced at the clock. Four a.m.

‘Come on then,’ she said, getting up. ‘Let’s go.’

It was good to be outside, the fresh, cold air releasing the tightness in her lungs.

Alice felt the muddy grass soft beneath her shoes and was relieved she’d helped her grandpa replace his slippers with wellies.

She’d need to make sure he took them off when they got back to the house or he’d leave a muddy trail to his room again, a not-so-subtle clue for her mother that he’d been up to his night-time antics.

Sheila had already been threatening to put him in a home, to Alice’s horror. He’d hate that.

He fumbled with the key, dropped it, and strained to reach down and pick it up. ‘I’ll get it, Grandpa,’ said Alice, quickly.

‘I can manage.’

‘I’m shorter than you,’ she said, alarmed by his attempts to bend. ‘So I’m nearer to the ground.’

He nodded, convinced by the logic, and allowed her to get the key and open the door.

‘Did you know that you age more slowly the shorter you are?’ he told her as they went into the shed.

‘What?’ said Alice, sitting down on her customary chair, the one she used to have to climb into when she was a little girl. ‘That doesn’t sound right.’

‘It’s true,’ he insisted. ‘Though the difference is small. It’s the way gravity works on you. People who live on mountains will age more quickly than those in the valleys. The altitude. Time dilation. Relativity.’

Alice smiled. He sometimes forgot her name, but he could still explain space–time in a way that made perfect sense.

‘That’s why I look so much better than Alfred,’ he added. ‘His route took him up Somerton Hill.’

Alice looked at him, then they both laughed. ‘Let’s get the kettle on,’ he said. ‘And the telescope focused.’

‘Between Pegasus and Orion. Heading north. See?’

Alice looked into the telescope. Then she bit her lip, and something caught in her throat. She’d been enjoying herself, enjoying the feeling she used to have as a child, out here with her grandfather.

And now this.

‘That’s not a comet, Grandpa,’ she said gently.

‘A nebula, you think?’

‘It’s an aeroplane.’

‘What?’

‘Look,’ she said. ‘It’s moving. A comet would look static, the motion only noticeable by comparison, night to night.’

‘I know that,’ he said. ‘Silly girl. You’re looking at the wrong thing.’

Alice sighed. She was cold and tired and wanted to go back to her dream about Matt. ‘You’ll be seeing aliens next,’ she said, her voice a little snappier than she intended.

‘It is incredibly arrogant to assume that we are alone in this universe,’ replied her grandfather.

‘I’m too tired for this,’ she said, heading out of the shed.

‘No, look!’ he said. ‘Here, if you can’t see it in the sky, check my notes.

’ He held his logbook up to her, his hands shaky.

‘Doesn’t that look like the pattern of a comet’s path?

It reminds me of one I saw before. Or thought I did.

Damn clouds came the next night, and I could never get it confirmed. ’

Alice glanced at the book. She felt tears pricking at the corners of her eyes, wondering how much of this meticulous work was tracking the flight paths of aeroplanes. She didn’t want to believe that her grandfather had got this bad. She wished she had never come out to the shed.

‘Come back in,’ she said. ‘I don’t want to look any more.’

‘But what if it’s a new comet? We can’t miss it?’

‘It’s not a new comet,’ snapped Alice, feeling anger rising.

Not at him, though it came out that way.

At the whole situation. She wanted to stargaze with him like they used to.

She didn’t want to think of him like this.

Not her grandfather, who used to be able to name every constellation in the sky.

‘I don’t have time for this,’ she said. ‘There is no comet.’

Her grandfather looked at her, confusion and hurt clouding his face. She wanted to shake him, to make him be the person she loved again. But she couldn’t. She couldn’t bring him back. ‘I’m going to bed,’ she said instead, as patiently as she could manage. ‘I suggest you do the same.’