Page 38 of See the Stars

Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.

MARK TWAIN

A lice sat on the train to Edinburgh. Matt was opposite her, but he was silent, staring out of the window.

She wished Berti had come as well, but his mum wouldn’t let him miss school.

At least having Matt there made her feel less like a student and more like a grown-up.

Someone who could go back to where she had studied without anything bad happening.

She’d called ahead and spoken to the department secretary. She didn’t want to put her request in over the phone, so she’d suggested a meeting. Boxley was still there, of course, and she didn’t think, after everything that had happened, that he’d refuse to see her.

She’d been right. So here she was, on the train as if none of it had ever happened.

But it had. She felt anxiety rising in her like heartburn. But there was something else there too.

Excitement.

She’d missed university. So much. The sense of learning. Everyone so passionate about what they were studying. The research and the potential for discovery.

The people.

Some of them.

‘Did you ever think about continuing with your studies?’ she asked Matt, wanting to be outside her own head. ‘Going back to uni?’ She looked at him and smiled. ‘You did get a first-class degree, after all,’ she said. ‘You could have done a master’s.’

He grinned. ‘I was pretty pleased with myself,’ he said. ‘But no. I had my service to do. And then once I was in the army routine, I couldn’t imagine lolling around like a student again, getting up at noon and eating Pot Noodles.’

Alice laughed. ‘You don’t have to do it like that.’ She paused. ‘I loved it,’ she said. ‘In my job now, maybe I spot a decent price on a bond. In astrophysics, maybe I spot a planet no one has ever seen before. I know which one seems worth the effort.’

‘So why did you stop?’ asked Matt.

‘People . . . left, and it wasn’t the same any more.’

‘Just because it’s not the same doesn’t mean it’s not worth doing,’ he said. ‘If I could go back into the army, I’d do so in a heartbeat.’

‘You can, can’t you? I mean, there must still be a role you could do there . . . ’

‘Desk work. Not interested.’

‘But you’re an engineer anyway. Isn’t that at a desk?’

‘I was an officer. I was on the ground. Active. Not sitting at a computer.’ He looked at her. ‘But you’ve got both your legs. And eyes, and whatever else you need for stargazing. You could go back.’

‘No,’ said Alice. ‘I couldn’t.’

They fell back into silence and she looked out of the window. The green and brown fields looked like a giant patchwork quilt spread over the countryside.

She took a deep breath and prepared herself.

She could do this.

‘I can’t do this.’ Alice was standing outside the physics building.

‘Of course you can,’ said Matt. ‘We came all the way here.’ He paused. ‘I even managed to climb those two flights of stairs at the station, because the lift was broken.’

‘I know,’ said Alice. ‘But I can’t go back in there.’

He looked at her. ‘What happened here?’ he asked her.

‘Nothing. Not here. I just . . . ’

He touched her shoulder, and she flinched. ‘I do know a thing or two about PTSD,’ he said. ‘Listen, if it’s too much, maybe we should go and get a hot drink somewhere. We can talk about it.’

Alice looked at the door. It wouldn’t get any easier after a drink, certainly not one that didn’t contain alcohol. She could do this. She had to.

‘Let’s go in.’

The grad student who’d been sent to let them in was female. As they followed her along the familiar corridor, Alice wondered if she’d ever had to fend off Boxley. ‘What do you think of the professors?’ she asked.

‘Oh, they’re very supportive,’ the student said with a smile. ‘And the work we’re doing is so fascinating . . . ’

Alice listened to the enthusiastic young woman in front of her talk. ‘Boxley?’ she asked, looking for a reaction. ‘He’s supportive too?’

‘He’s great,’ said the woman. ‘I’ve never had so much freedom in a department to follow my own interests.’

‘Well, that’s good.’

‘And you’re an old friend of his?’ enquired the student politely.

‘He was my supervisor,’ said Alice. ‘We weren’t really friends.’

‘Well, it’s great to have you back,’ said the woman with a smile. She stopped in front of a door and tapped three times, then opened it.

Alice hovered outside for a moment. ‘Do you want me to come in with you?’ asked Matt.

‘No,’ replied Alice. ‘I can do this.’ She stepped into the room as confidently as she could manage.

Matt hung back. ‘I’ll wait right here,’ he said. ‘Call if you need me.’

‘Alice! What a treat!’ Professor Boxley looked older, but with his crinkled skin came increased confidence. ‘My, a blast from the past.’

‘Thank you for meeting with me,’ said Alice, sitting down in the chair he gestured towards. It was too low; the same one she remembered. She looked around his office. It was much the same, books piled up on the shelves and papers littering the desk.

‘I was intrigued,’ said Boxley. ‘Of all my erstwhile students, I knew you’d be the one to still be making discoveries long after you abandoned your PhD.’

Abandoned your PhD. Even years later, the words cut. Alice tried to smile through it and focus on the good, whether it was wellintentioned or not. Making discoveries.

‘It’s no exoplanet . . . ’ she began.

‘Neither was the one back in 2014,’ said Boxley. ‘I can laugh about it now, but you’d already left when we discovered it was just stellar activity, perhaps a sunspot. It took years for us to re-establish our reputation.’ He forced out a chuckle. ‘Funny, I suppose. Didn’t feel it at the time.’

‘Anyway,’ said Alice, ‘it’s probably not very interesting to a preeminent professor such as yourself, but I think I’ve discovered a new periodic comet.’

‘Well good for you,’ said Boxley with a patronising smile. ‘Make sure you report it straight away, before some other keen amateur takes whatever glory there is.’

‘I haven’t actually seen it,’ she said.

‘Oh. Then you haven’t actually discovered anything, have you?’ He laughed. ‘I think you might have lost any of the academic rigour you ever possessed.’

‘I have notes dating back forty years,’ said Alice, hoping to wipe the smile from his face.

She retrieved the photocopies of the relevant pages of her grandfather’s logbooks from her bag.

‘But we’re the first ones to make the link.

By my calculations,’ she added, trying not to notice Boxley’s raised eyebrow, ‘the comet will have shrunk, as well as moved into a farther orbit.’

‘So you need a powerful telescope to see it.’ He nodded. ‘And since we are your alma mater, you thought we might allow you use of the observatory.’

‘Exactly,’ said Alice.

‘Indeed.’ Alice could see the realisation spreading over his features that he now had the power. ‘So what you’re asking for is a favour.’

‘Yes,’ said Alice. She looked at him and he looked back at her.

‘Well,’ said Boxley, clearly enjoying himself, ‘we’re not in the habit of using valuable university resources for amateur astronomy.’

‘I’d be completely flexible,’ said Alice. ‘I know the rota doesn’t cover every hour of the night.’

‘The rota might have changed,’ said Boxley. ‘A lot can happen in eleven years.’

‘Has it?’ asked Alice.

‘No,’ he admitted. ‘Remind me why I should help you? It certainly isn’t for old times’ sake. I seem to remember offering you friendship and you turned me down.’

‘Friendship?’ said Alice, her colour rising. ‘That’s not what I remember.’

‘Nonsense,’ said Boxley. ‘Anyway, things were different back then. I actually think you’d like it here now. There are a lot more women in the department than there used to be. And a lot more rules we all need to follow.’

‘There were rules then,’ said Alice.

‘Ones we need to follow, I said.’ Alice didn’t smile at the joke. ‘OK,’ he said.

‘OK what?’

‘Let me see these logs,’ he said. ‘If I think there’s something in it, I’ll let you use the telescope.’

‘Really?’

‘Sure. I wouldn’t mind a little comet-hunting myself,’ he continued. ‘It will be relaxing. Like astronomy pudding.’

*

‘Shit,’ said Alice, as she looked at the departure board at Edinburgh Waverley station. ‘Our train has been cancelled.’ She paused. ‘The next one will be rammed.’ She glanced at Matt. He couldn’t stand for the journey and would be too proud to allow anyone to give up their seat.

He was studying the board. ‘How about the ten o’clock train?’ he asked. ‘It will have quietened down by then.’

‘That’s hours away,’ said Alice.

‘You used to live here,’ said Matt. ‘You must know somewhere good to have a drink, where we can while away a little time?’

Alice smiled. ‘Actually, I do,’ she said. ‘Come on, follow me.’

‘I meant a bar or something,’ said Matt, puffing after Alice as she climbed Calton Hill, a bottle of wine clinking against a bottle of water in her bag. ‘I didn’t realise I had to specify chairs and a roof.’

‘It will be worth it,’ said Alice. She stopped to allow him to catch up with her. She remembered it being an easy walk, more of a stroll than a climb, but Matt’s limp seemed a little worse. ‘But we can go back if you prefer.’

‘We’ve started now,’ he said, his teeth gritted.

‘There’s a great spot just there,’ said Alice, pointing to the steps below one of the monuments. ‘It’s not far.’

‘Come on then,’ said Matt. She offered him her arm, and after a moment’s hesitation, he took it.

They reached the steps and sat down. Matt took a moment to regain his breath, then his eyes lifted to the view.

‘Magnificent, isn’t it?’ said Alice. Edinburgh stretched out before them, the weathered stone buildings stark against the setting sun. The castle perched dramatically on top of its rugged hill as if keeping watch over the city.

‘At least it isn’t raining,’ grumbled Matt, but Alice could see he was impressed. ‘And yes, it’s not bad.’