Page 27 of See the Stars

Past time is finite. Future time is infinite.

EDWIN HUBBLE

‘ L ens cloth,’ said Alice. She looked up.

Berti was already holding it out to her like a surgeon’s assistant.

‘Thanks,’ she said. In the days they’d been comet-hunting together, they’d already reached a point where they barely needed words, sharing the equipment, the kettle and the stars as they scanned methodically for signs of the comet.

They had seen nothing yet, but that was to be expected.

There would be nothing, then, all of a sudden, it would appear.

As if from outer space, thought Alice to herself with a smile.

It was how these things worked. She loved feeling reacquainted with the sky.

It was like an old friend – years might have passed, but they could pick up where they’d left off without any awkward small talk.

‘I’ve come to fetch you, Berti,’ said Matt, poking his head around the shed door. ‘Are you ready?’

‘Come in and see the telescope,’ said Berti. ‘You won’t believe the progress we’ve made.’

‘No thanks,’ said Matt. ‘It’s time to go.’

‘Mum said you should spend time with Alice again,’ said Berti. ‘Remember? She said it would do you good.’

‘I’d be in the way,’ said Matt, looking embarrassed.

‘No you wouldn’t. But you mustn’t kick the tripod. Alice gets really annoyed when that happens.’

‘Only when I’ve spent ages getting the position just right,’ said Alice. ‘And a great clodhopper comes bouncing in and knocks the whole thing off.’

‘I’m the clodhopper,’ said Berti, looking pleased with himself.

‘I don’t do much bouncing these days,’ said Matt.

‘I’d actually really like your advice,’ said Alice, to cover the awkward silence that followed. ‘As an engineer. If you have a moment to spare?’

Matt hesitated. ‘What’s the problem?’ he asked, his curiosity clearly piqued.

‘The focus isn’t working on the new lens, and I can’t figure out why.’

‘Perhaps it’s the collimation knobs,’ he said. ‘I have a moment for that.’

‘Great,’ said Alice. ‘Come on through.’

‘There,’ said Matt. He’d been working for over an hour. ‘I think the adjustment should be done now. Shall we test it?’

Alice raised a finger to her lips and gestured to Berti, whose head was resting on the books. He was fast asleep.

‘You should take him home,’ she said, her voice soft.

‘Let’s let him sleep a moment longer,’ said Matt. ‘Don’t you want to see if it worked?’

Alice nodded. She lifted the telescope, carried it outside and slotted it into the tripod. She hesitated a moment, then looked through.

The image was even sharper than before. She smiled. ‘It’s perfect,’ she said.

Matt leaned on his walking stick and made his way over. He looked through too. ‘Pretty good,’ he said. ‘There’s Mars. Do you want another go?’

‘You enjoy your turn,’ said Alice. She sat down on an old chair and gazed up at the sky.

‘I might sit a minute too,’ said Matt. He winced as he lowered himself carefully to the seat and looked up. ‘This is doing my neck in. We used to lie down on the lawn to watch the stars,’ he said. ‘Remember?’

‘That was a lifetime ago.’ She paused. There could be no harm in it.

‘I think the blanket is still in the shed,’ she said, getting up to fetch it.

She spread it out and sat down, then lay down on her back.

She felt weird, oddly vulnerable. Even Basalt wouldn’t lie belly-up unless he was very comfortable with his companions.

‘Come on,’ she said. ‘Join me. It’s cold but it’s great seeing.’

Matt hesitated, then started to get out of his chair. ‘You might need to help me up again afterwards,’ he said, a little stiffly, as he moved to the blanket.

‘I’d be happy to,’ said Alice.

She looked away to give him privacy as he got to the ground. He ended up a little closer to Alice than she’d expected. Lying next to each other felt oddly intimate, as if they were sharing a bed.

They weren’t, she reminded herself. Yet still she felt a tingle of guilt. ‘There’s Betelgeuse,’ she said.

‘And Rigel.’

Alice smiled. Matt was no astrophysicist, but he did know his stuff.

‘I’m glad you’ve got the telescope working again,’ he said. ‘It seems funny to think of you without the stars.’

‘I can see them on any clear night. Even without a telescope. I sometimes forget to look, though.’

‘We all do,’ said Matt. They lay in silence for a few moments, both staring at the sky.

‘I bet you saw some amazing things at the observatory, back when you were a student,’ he said finally.

‘You wouldn’t believe the views I had,’ said Alice. ‘I would say that they were out of this world, but then of course they were.’

‘I’m surprised you left,’ said Matt. Alice glanced at him, but he continued to stare upwards.

It was much easier to talk like this, as if both of them were addressing the sky rather than each other.

She looked back to Rigel, burning blue. ‘You seemed so passionate about astrophysics. We thought you’d get your PhD and end up at NASA, remember? ’

‘Something happened,’ said Alice. ‘And I didn’t want to do it any more.’ She didn’t want to talk about it, either.

‘I understand,’ said Matt. Alice glanced over at him again, but he was still staring upwards.

‘You do?’ She wanted him to share what had happened to him, but she didn’t want to press if he didn’t want to talk about it.

‘Life is a funny thing,’ he said. ‘We both had so many dreams when we were younger. I think that’s what made us want to leave this place. Dreams and ambitions. But now here we are. Lying on a blanket on the grass, our dreams knocked out of us.’

‘Our dreams don’t have to be over,’ said Alice. ‘I could find a comet and claim it for my grandfather.’

‘Then what?’ asked Matt. ‘Back to London and an office and a nine-to-five job that anyone could do?’

She looked across at him, surprised at his words. She didn’t think he’d thought about her life that much. ‘It’s eight till eight most days,’ she said, with a flicker of anger that surprised her. ‘And really quite specialised.’ She sat up.

‘I know you have to be dedicated and clever and all that,’ said Matt, also sitting. ‘But it’s not what you wanted, at least when you were younger. Don’t you feel like you settled?’

‘I’m quite happy with my life,’ said Alice. Who was he to criticise her choices?

‘It’s not really who are you, though, is it? You never cared about fancy coats and posh boyfriends. You were different.’

‘I’m fine,’ she snapped.

‘Fine?’ Somehow they were closer to each other. She could feel the heat from his face warming her own. The anger that had been rising was starting to feel like something else.

Like passion.

She pulled back quickly, putting distance between them. She took a breath, allowing the night air to cool her. What was she doing, feeling like this with another man? She had a fiancé at home. ‘More than fine,’ she said, in what she hoped was a calm voice.

‘OK,’ said Matt. He shrugged. They both knew the moment was gone. ‘It’s not like I’m living my best life either.’ He lay back down.

Alice rolled down onto her side, at a safer distance this time. ‘You’re doing well,’ she said, realising the inadequacy of her words. She felt her anger subside, and was relieved to be more in control of her emotions again.

‘I’m doing much better than I was,’ said Matt. ‘There was a time when . . . ’ He stopped himself. ‘Let’s just say I’ve been to some dark places.’ He looked at her. ‘I think maybe you have too.’

Alice nodded. She wasn’t sure how he knew that. She hid it so successfully from everyone else. He reached out and touched her lightly on the arm. She felt a tingle. That was OK, she told herself. A light touch on the arm between friends. The warmth she felt was simply skin on innocent skin.

She looked back at him. She wanted to say that it was hard to think of him without his confidence.

She wanted him to know that no matter what had happened, he could still be who he wanted to be.

But the words didn’t seem right. So instead she lay next to him, his hand on her arm, as they looked up at the stars.

Alice stood in the garden watching Basalt stalk a large spider. The days had gone by quickly, as if the earth had speeded up its rotation on its axis. It was Friday already. She was due to go back to work on Monday.

She didn’t feel ready.

It wasn’t her brain, though. Words were coming to her easily, and she could focus on the comet hunt for hours. Afterwards, she’d sleep more deeply than she ever had in London, and she woke feeling better than she had in years.

A part of her didn’t want to go back, but she tried to ignore it. She had bills to pay, a gorgeous flat, a lovely fiancé. It was a whole life to get back to.

And yes, a cat to feed. She stopped herself and watched Basalt, putting off thoughts of the future to enjoy the moment.

Her cat wiggled his bottom, getting a sense of exactly where his centre of gravity was so he could make the perfect pounce.

Alice tried not to laugh. Her cat loved it here – the freedom of the open garden, the food her mum prepared for him, the night-time stargazing sessions.

They still had the weekend. A couple of days and nights to hunt spiders and comets. That would have to be enough.

‘Surprise!’

Basalt abandoned his pounce and shot up into a tree. Alice turned around at the familiar voice.

‘Hugo!’ she exclaimed, finding his arms wrapped around her as her feet left the ground. ‘What are you doing here?’

‘I missed you so much.’ He grinned at her, then leaned in and gave her a kiss that tasted like train coffee. ‘I called in sick and got the first train up so I could surprise you.’

‘What about the kids?’ Alice felt a guilt creep up in her that she decided to attribute to the children Hugo taught. Not at all to the memory of Matt’s touch on her arm.

‘They never learn anything on Fridays anyway,’ dismissed Hugo. ‘I thought I’d whisk you away for the weekend.’

‘How lovely,’ said Alice, her heart sinking. ‘But I don’t think I’m ready to go back to London.’

‘Who said anything about London? I’ve booked us into a spa hotel.’ He smiled. ‘Rest and relaxation. Just the two of us.’

‘That’s wonderful!’ said Alice, trying to make herself feel as though it was. What if she missed the comet? She was counting on these last days.

‘You don’t look that pleased. Do you have other plans?’ Hugo said it jovially, but she could tell he was on the edge of being hurt.

‘Of course I’d love to go,’ said Alice. She bit her lip. The comet could come tonight, or it could be weeks away. And Berti could always keep watch with Matt. They knew what they were doing now, and they’d call her if they thought they’d seen something. ‘How far is it?’ she asked.

‘About an hour away. Some place called the Orangery. Apparently the best hotel around here.’

‘I’ve heard of it,’ said Alice. ‘It’s expensive.’

‘You’re worth it,’ said Hugo, leaning in to give her another kiss. ‘Come on, I’ve already packed your swim stuff from London and your mum is lending us her car.’

Basalt hissed at him.

‘Sorry, no pets allowed,’ said Hugo.

‘OK,’ said Alice. ‘I just need to make a few calls.’

‘Who can you need to call?’ he asked. ‘You don’t need anyone’s permission. You’re on leave. Come on, let’s get going.’

‘Now?’ Alice hadn’t added the previous night’s notes to the logbook yet.

‘Now,’ said Hugo. ‘You have a facial booked in for noon.’ He smiled at her. ‘Am I the world’s best boyfriend or what?’