Page 40 of See the Stars

Alice chose a loose turtleneck jumper and a baggy pair of jeans. She looked at herself in the mirror. This was nothing, she told herself. Boxley had drinks with all his students. There was nothing wrong with the two of them spending this time together.

Zelda appeared in her doorway. ‘You’ll be too hot,’ she informed her. ‘It’s twenty degrees outside.’

‘I’ve got a bit of a chill,’ said Alice, though she was already sweating. She looked at her friend. ‘I think you can unpack,’ she told her with a smile.

‘What?’ Zelda ceased the gentle tapping she’d started on the door frame.

‘I’ve had a word with Professor Boxley,’ said Alice, pulling at a loose thread on her jumper. ‘And I explained the misunderstanding.’

‘You’re not . . . ’

‘No. I think everyone overreacted. They realise that now. He said the geology department were distraught. Between them they’ve calmed the dean down and we can both stay.’

Alice found herself in a very rare Zelda hug. ‘I really didn’t want to study in America,’ said Zelda, her voice muffled. ‘Thank you.’ She released Alice. ‘You are the best.’

‘Thank you ,’ said Alice. ‘I’m so sorry, it was all my fault.’

‘It’s forgotten,’ said Zelda, stepping back again so they both had their space. ‘So where are you going?’

‘Dinner with Callum,’ Alice lied.

‘You usually wear something much tighter when you see Callum. And lower-cut.’

‘I do not!’ she exclaimed.

‘I won’t wait up.’

‘Maybe do,’ said Alice, pulling at the thread again. She didn’t feel she could tell Zelda that she was going to see Boxley. ‘I won’t be late,’ she added. ‘Not tonight.’

‘That’s what you always say,’ teased Zelda.

‘I’ll see you after dinner.’ Alice’s voice was firm. She wasn’t going to let this go too far.

‘You’re already sweating,’ said Zelda. ‘Come on, let’s get you changed. You can’t wear that for a date. You’ll boil yourself alive.’

‘Well, isn’t this nice?’ Professor Boxley poured Alice some red wine from the bottle he’d bought at the bar. It was a swanky place with dim lighting, only slightly augmented by the tea light that attempted valiantly to blaze on the table in front of them.

‘I don’t really drink,’ said Alice, shifting on her stool. It was a little too high and she felt unbalanced.

‘I’ve seen you drink lots of times,’ he said.

‘I’m cutting back.’ She resisted the urge to fiddle with the candle.

‘Nonsense. You’re off duty tonight. We both are.’

The evening seemed difficult enough to warrant a drink. She picked up her glass to take a sip.

‘See?’ he said. ‘Not so bad, is it?’

‘It’s very nice. Thank you, Professor.’

‘Call me Will.’ He lifted his glass and chinked it with her own, reminding Alice of that night with the donors.

She’d got the wrong end of the stick then; she was sure she had.

And she shouldn’t make the same mistake again.

This wasn’t a date. This was a chance to discuss her research with her professor.

She should leap at the chance, rather than fixating on whether he was staring at her chest.

Which he wasn’t, she told herself. It was simply paranoia.

But still, she wished she was wearing the jumper she’d picked originally. They were perched at a high table, and Alice had pulled her stool back so that there was no chance of their knees accidentally touching, but it did mean she had to lean forward to reach for her glass.

‘I know you’re sensitive about this exoplanet,’ began Boxley.

‘But the discovery could be great news for our department. Donors love this kind of thing. We’ll get more funding, more resources, new equipment.

There might even be a position for you here when you’ve completed your PhD, if you want to stay on. ’

‘Of course I want to stay on,’ said Alice. ‘I can’t imagine doing anything else.’

‘It’s hard to tell with you sometimes,’ said Boxley. He took a sip of his wine. ‘You’re not always enthusiastic.’

‘I am,’ objected Alice. ‘There is nothing I care more about than space.’

‘I can see that. But there’s more to a career in academia than looking at stars. There are the teaching requirements, the teambuilding, the relationships.’ He looked at her as he said the last bit. ‘All of that is important.’

‘Most of that stuff is a waste of time,’ said Alice, the words slipping through her filter before she could stop them.

Boxley smiled at her. ‘That kind of thinking is why you need friends to look after you,’ he said. He reached out and touched her knee, rubbing it lightly with his thumb.

Alice looked at his hand, panic rising in her. ‘I don’t need looking after,’ she said, trying to remain calm. Could she reach out and remove it?

‘Oh, but I think you do.’ He moved his hand up, ever so slightly, so it rested on her thigh. ‘I think you might even enjoy it.’

There was no mistaking him now. She stood up.

‘Sit down, Alice,’ he said. ‘You know we’ve always had a connection.’

‘What?’

‘There’s a spark between us. You’re a grad student now. We don’t need to go flashing it in front of the dean, but it’s fine.’

‘You’re my teacher,’ said Alice. ‘It’s not fine.’

‘I’m also your saviour,’ Boxley reminded her. Alice stared at him. ‘Listen,’ he said. ‘I’m not going to make you do anything you don’t want to do. I don’t need to. I just thought we could have some fun.’

‘No thank you,’ she said.

He smiled. ‘It doesn’t matter,’ he said, as if she’d spilled her drink. ‘My mistake. Let’s just be friends.’ He reached out and gently touched her arm this time.

‘Stay away from me.’ Alice grabbed her bag and went to leave. ‘I have enough friends already,’ she added.

‘You think you have,’ said Boxley. ‘But you don’t.’

She stopped and spun around. ‘What do you mean?’ She looked at his face, smug at having got her attention.

‘Sit down,’ said Boxley. ‘People are looking.’ He glanced around the bar and the watching people looked back at their drinks as if ashamed of being caught.

‘No,’ said Alice, remaining standing. ‘I’m not interested in anything you have to say.’

‘Really?’ said Boxley. ‘You should be.’ He sat down again and took a sip of his wine.

She hesitated. What was he talking about?

‘Because, strictly between us, it wasn’t chance that I found that planet,’ he said.

‘I knew it,’ said Alice.

‘I had a little help.’ He looked straight at her. ‘From your friend.’

Alice was confused. ‘Callum?’ she guessed. ‘He didn’t know anything about it.’

‘Not Callum.’ Boxley looked as though he was enjoying himself.

Her mind raced. No one knew what she’d found.

No one except Zelda.

‘You’re lying,’ she said.

‘It’s funny what a little bit of attention at a party can do,’ said Boxley. ‘It makes loose lips of lonely young women.’ He topped up Alice’s glass.

‘Nonsense,’ said Alice, refusing to touch it.

‘You said yourself, the chances of finding that exoplanet unassisted would be infinitesimally small. I’d have better odds of finding a needle in a haystack.’ He smiled. ‘But I didn’t need to.’

‘I wasn’t expecting to see you back so soon,’ said Zelda. She was curled up on the sofa with a book about Peruvian volcanoes. She frowned at Alice. ‘Did you and Callum have a fight? You’ve gone that funny shade of red you go when you’re upset.’

‘I didn’t see Callum.’

‘He stood you up? That seems unlikely, given what usually happens when you two go out for a drink—’

‘I was with Boxley,’ interrupted Alice.

‘Professor Boxley?’ Zelda’s frown intensified. ‘But . . . ’

‘He’s a creep,’ said Alice.

Zelda put her book down and got up. ‘What did he do?’ she asked, her eyes scanning her friend’s body. ‘Are you OK?’

‘Nothing like that,’ said Alice, taking a step away. ‘I left.’

‘Thank God,’ said Zelda. ‘And as you know, I don’t believe in God.’

‘He told me,’ said Alice. She left it there, the words hanging in the air between them.

Zelda looked back at her. ‘Told you what?’

‘Don’t pretend,’ said Alice, breaking down. ‘Don’t pretend not to know what I’m talking about. He told me how he found that exoplanet.’ She sank to the sofa Zelda had just vacated.

Zelda bit her lip. ‘I didn’t mean to,’ she said.

‘Oh really? The host star name just slipped out in conversation?’

‘I thought you’d told him!’ Zelda remained standing. ‘You said you were going to.’

‘Yes,’ said Alice. ‘I said I was going to. That didn’t mean you should go straight to him the first opportunity you got.’

‘It wasn’t like that,’ said Zelda. She didn’t look Alice in the eye, instead addressing the coffee table.

‘We were at the physics ball; you know how much I hate these things, but Professor Akbar told me I should go. And I was standing on my own because you weren’t there.

And Boxley came up to me. We started talking about rocks and he was so interesting, but then he was asking about your research and he said that you weren’t dedicated and I said of course you were, you were so meticulous even with that data task, and he seemed to know what I was talking about so I mentioned the host star and how small the data blip was and then—’

‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ asked Alice, looking up at her in disbelief. ‘You came with me to his office; you were pretending to help me when all the time you knew!’

‘I wanted to tell you.’ Zelda sat down tentatively on the edge of the sofa. ‘But I was afraid.’

‘Afraid?’

‘I love you, Alice, you know I do,’ she said, finally looking up from the coffee table. ‘But you don’t have time for people you don’t value. I couldn’t bear to be one of those people.’

‘Don’t make this about me,’ snapped Alice. ‘I’ve always known you had a crush on him.’

‘That’s not fair,’ said Zelda.

But Alice was angry. She couldn’t stop herself. ‘You wanted his attention and you betrayed me.’

‘No, it wasn’t like that. And I don’t have a crush on him. I thought he was impressive for a while, but that was years ago. You’re right, he’s a creep. This just reinforces that.’

‘Whatever,’ said Alice. She looked at Zelda’s suitcase, unpacked in the hall. ‘Maybe you should take that field trip to Peru. And maybe,’ she added, letting her anger get the better of her, ‘you shouldn’t come back.’

Alice heard a knock on her bedroom door the next morning. She’d barely slept, she’d been too upset. And she still was. She didn’t reply.

‘Can I come in?’

‘Are you here to spy on my work and report back to Boxley?’

The door opened. ‘No,’ said Zelda, peering round it. ‘And I wouldn’t be much of a spy if I admitted it.’

‘Not funny,’ said Alice. ‘And I don’t want you in my room.’

‘I’m here to deliver breakfast.’

‘I’m not hungry.’ Her stomach betrayed her, emitting a soft growl at the sight of the plates of pastries Zelda was holding. They were from her favourite bakery.

‘I’ll leave these here for later then,’ said Zelda, stepping inside the room. She placed the plate on Alice’s chest of drawers, underneath her poster of the lunar landing. ‘I’m going to go and finish packing.’

Alice looked up. ‘You don’t still have to leave the university?’ she said.

‘No,’ said Zelda.

‘Then you can stay in the flat. I’m angry, but I’m not going to kick you out.’

‘I deserve to be out on the streets,’ said Zelda. ‘I’m meant to be so clever, but I’m an idiot.’

‘You are an idiot,’ said Alice, relenting a little. ‘But your name is on the lease too.’

‘Thank you.’

‘I’ve not forgiven you,’ she warned.

‘I don’t want you to.’ Zelda took a deep breath. ‘I should have told you what happened straight away. Instead, I was a coward, sneaking round the university with you when I knew all along what he’d done.’

Alice nodded. ‘That was bad,’ she said, her eyes back on the pastries.

‘I’m going to pack anyway,’ said Zelda. ‘Just one suitcase.’

‘Why?’ asked Alice.

‘I’m still going on the trip.’

‘I didn’t mean it when I told you to go,’ said Alice, feeling guilty. ‘I was just angry.’

‘I want to go,’ said Zelda. ‘I need to clear my head. And collect volcanic rock.’ She looked at Alice. ‘I need to think about what I’ve done. And what I want. Things have been really hard for me, my whole life. Not just now. It’s all such a struggle. And I need a change.’

‘I don’t want you to go.’

‘It’s not about you. It’s about me.’

Alice nodded. She knew that things had never been easy for her.

‘It’s meant to be beautiful there,’ said Zelda. ‘At the volcano’s peak. Looking at the earth, where we all came from, and the rocks, which one day we’ll all rejoin. The type of place where you can lose yourself.’ She paused. ‘I really want to lose myself.’

Alice reached for an apple turnover from the plate Zelda had brought. ‘Don’t lose yourself too much,’ she said, softening a little as she took a bite. ‘Because I might just want to find you.’