Page 22 of See the Stars

‘Congratulations, girls,’ said Professor Boxley, as he passed Zelda and Alice in the graduation line.

Alice felt it was perhaps the hottest she’d ever been in Scotland as the sun beat down in the stone courtyard outside McEwan Hall, baking them as if they were in an oven.

Edinburgh was not a city that had been designed for the heat, for obvious reasons.

‘Thanks, sir,’ she replied. Zelda was busy fiddling with the collar of her graduation gown as if it were choking her.

‘Your dissertation on orbital paths was extremely impressive,’ he said. ‘I’m looking forward to working with you on the PhD programme.’

‘Thanks, sir,’ repeated Alice, delighted.

‘I think this is the first year we’ve had two girls getting first-class master of physics degrees,’ he added. ‘Well deserved, both of you. Put on something pretty later and celebrate.’ He carried on down the line of students queuing to enter the building.

Alice frowned, feeling her pleasure at the compliment evaporating like the sweat from her body. ‘Something pretty?’ she said.

‘Statistically it’s unlikely that we are the first women in the same year to both get firsts,’ said Zelda, finally undoing the top of her gown and flapping it to allow in the air.

‘I thought you two liked him?’ said Callum.

‘He does have an impressive mind,’ said Zelda.

‘But I’m not sure he has a good attitude to women,’ added Alice, biting her lip.

‘Why?’ asked Callum. ‘He was just being nice. You should be pleased he noticed you. He didn’t say anything to me.’

‘You didn’t get a first,’ said Zelda.

‘I was only off by a couple of marks,’ said Callum. ‘He could have been a bit more magnanimous. You guys were dead certs.’

‘Isn’t anyone else hot?’ said Zelda. ‘I can barely breathe in this thing.’

‘Take it off for a bit,’ said Alice. ‘It will be even hotter inside.’ She looked at the building.

It was the same beautiful golden-yellow sandstone as many of the buildings in Edinburgh, but was more ornate, with friezes, columns and a magnificent domed roof.

It did not look as though it had air conditioning.

‘No, I’ll manage,’ said Zelda, fiddling with the sleeves of the shirt she had on underneath. ‘These cuffs are so tight, they’re pushing on my bracelets.’

‘Take your bracelets off.’

‘I’ll be OK. Look, the line is moving again.’

They finally reached the door and went in.

Alice stopped a moment. The hall was vast, and more elaborately decorated than anywhere she’d ever been.

It was flanked with huge columns, and the dome at the top was painted with murals.

She couldn’t believe that she was here, ready to graduate, in a building this magnificent.

‘You’re causing a pile-up,’ said Callum from behind her. ‘Get in and find your place.’

‘Yes,’ said Alice. ‘Sorry.’ She started to search for her seat, deciding to pause her wonder until she was out of everyone’s way.

The ceremony began, long speech after long speech before the endless list of names even started to be called out. Alice found that rather than admiring the building, she began to worry about tripping over her gown on the way up to the stage.

She lost interest in the speeches and turned around, searching for her mum’s face in the crowd. She spotted her and waved. She saw Zelda’s parents too, sitting together. And Callum’s. Almost everyone was in pairs, sitting together, holding hands, feeling proud of their children.

Alice tried not to think about who wasn’t here, but she couldn’t help herself.

She rarely thought about her father; he’d been too young when he died for her to even remember him.

Her grandfather was who she missed, sweeping in to fill the void her dad had left.

He’d have been so happy today. So proud that a Thorington, as she now officially was, was graduating from university.

She felt tears pressing into her eyes and wiped them away with the long sleeves of her gown, the rented polyester scratching her skin. From behind her, a hand reached onto her shoulder. Alice didn’t even need to turn around this time; she’d know that hand anywhere.

It was Zelda.

Sheila was wearing a new blouse and was trying to smile at Zelda’s family as they sat at the graduation afternoon tea she’d been so eager to book.

‘Isn’t this lovely,’ she said again, this time gesturing at the small bunch of carnations in a crystal vase sitting between the heavy silver salt and pepper pots.

Zelda and Alice were both still in their robes feeling ridiculous, and Alice wished she’d never mentioned that the university was selling tickets to this event. Surely the ceremony was enough?

‘Stop fiddling,’ said Margot, Zelda’s mother.

‘It itches.’

‘Alice seems fine,’ said Margot. ‘Look how nicely she’s sitting. I’m not sure you’ve ever sat still a moment in your life.’ She smiled at them both, as if to take the edge off her criticism.

‘It is scratchy material,’ said Alice, in Zelda’s defence. ‘I might take mine off.’

‘The photographer hasn’t been round yet,’ objected Sheila. ‘I want to remember this for ever.’

‘And you could have gone for a more traditional hair colour,’ said Margot to Zelda. ‘Just this once. It would be nice to have a graduation photo I could put on the mantelpiece.’

‘I don’t know what you mean,’ said Zelda. ‘Purple goes great with magnolia.’

There was an angry silence. Sheila interrupted it. ‘Alice is the first person in our family to go to university,’ she told them. ‘I’m so proud.’

‘Philip and I met at university,’ said Margot. ‘We got married not long after graduation.’

‘So you’re a graduate too?’ said Sheila with a nervous laugh. ‘What an impressive family.’ Alice listened to her mother. She sounded more southern when she was speaking to Zelda’s parents.

‘It’s only a history degree she has,’ said Philip. ‘Didn’t come in that useful raising the kids, did it?’ He didn’t wait for an answer. ‘Business studies,’ he added, addressing Alice. ‘That’s what I did. A degree that is actually useful.’

‘It’s hardly rocket science,’ quipped Alice, then regretted her joke when it was met by silence.

Zelda looked at her and the others, then laughed overly loudly. ‘Good one,’ she said.

Thankfully the awkwardness was broken by the arrival of several small pots of tea, and everyone busied themselves distributing them around the table, along with cups, saucers and five miniature sieves that baffled Alice.

‘We thought Zelda might meet someone special at university,’ said Margot.

‘Like I did.’ She poured herself some tea, using the sieve to catch any tea leaves that attempted to stray into her cup.

‘But she’s been tight-lipped about any boyfriends .

. . ’ She looked at Alice, as if trying to coax out information.

‘We’ve been busy with the course,’ said Alice. ‘There’s not much time for that sort of thing.’

‘You’re really the only friend of hers we’ve met,’ said Margot. ‘Isn’t she, Philip?’

‘Starting to get us worried,’ said Philip, adding milk to his cup. ‘Kids these days. You just don’t know.’

‘We were busy with the course,’ said Alice, aware that she was repeating herself. She glanced at Zelda, who was staring at the granite floor as if she wished a fault line would form and swallow her into the earth’s mantle.

The waiter delivered a three-tiered platter to them, and they all took a moment to marvel at it before helping themselves to the contents.

The mums were doing their best to smile at each other, Zelda was scratching her neck and Philip was trying to scrape a spot of jam off his tie with a stubby fingernail.

‘Callum couldn’t make it?’ asked Sheila. ‘He seems like a nice boy.’

‘I invited him,’ lied Alice. The one thing that would make this worse would be the addition to the table of a boy she occasionally slept with and his parents. ‘But he was doing something with the rowing club.’

‘That’s tomorrow,’ said Zelda.

‘No,’ said Alice, her voice firm. ‘Today. I’m quite sure.’

She noticed that Zelda was fidgeting even more. Sweat was starting to run down the side of her face, which had gone an unhealthy shade of red. ‘I need the loo,’ said Alice, deciding to rescue her. ‘Come with me?’

‘I don’t understand why girls can’t go to the loo without their friends,’ said Zelda’s dad. ‘You can get a degree, but you can’t find your way to the toilet on your own?’ Alice heard him laughing at his own joke as they left.

The toilets were downstairs. ‘Let’s get these gowns off and splash ourselves with water,’ suggested Alice.

‘OK,’ said Zelda. ‘I can’t take it any more. How do you look so cool?’

‘It’s my inner poise,’ laughed Alice. ‘And underactive sweat glands.’ She helped Zelda out of her robe and splashed some water on her face. ‘Roll your sleeves up,’ she said. ‘We’ll put some water on your wrists. Your pulse points will cool you down.’

‘No, I’m fine,’ said Zelda.

‘Maybe take off the bracelets then.’

‘No.’

‘We need to get you cool, you look like you’re about to pass out,’ said Alice, taking Zelda’s hand firmly and pushing up her sleeve and rolling her bracelets down. ‘Oh,’ she said.

She’d never seen Zelda’s bare wrists before. The small scratch marks that she’d noticed before on her arms grew into thicker and deeper scars over her veins.

She bit her lip, then pushed Zelda’s hand under the cold running water. She looked at her friend’s face, but Zelda’s gaze was focused on the floor.

After a moment, Zelda glanced up at her, then back down again. They both watched the water escaping the tap and flowing down the plughole.

‘Don’t tell me that’s a cat scratch,’ said Alice gently.

‘It’s why I wear bracelets.’ Zelda looked at her hand.

‘You know you can tell me anything,’ said Alice. ‘I want to help.’

‘Yes,’ said Zelda. ‘I know. I’m not ashamed of it,’ she added. ‘Life isn’t easy. And the scars remind me that I have options.’

‘You don’t!’ said Alice, alarmed. ‘Not that option. You have me, and rocks, and a degree and—’

‘Don’t worry,’ said Zelda. ‘I didn’t mean it like that. Sometimes I think of my scars as like craters. I’ve been hit by meteorites that have left their mark.’

‘The Sea of Tranquillity,’ said Alice, her voice soft. ‘It’s one of the most beautiful features of the moon, and it was caused by collisions. It’s like a scar.’

‘I knew you’d understand,’ said Zelda. She paused. ‘My sleeves are all wet,’ she said, the moment gone. ‘But you are right, I’m much cooler.’

Alice reached out and took Zelda’s hand in hers, and they stood together watching the water flow into the sink.