Page 39 of See the Stars

She produced the wine from her bag and opened the screw top, retrieving the small pack of plastic cups she’d picked up on her way. ‘Scotland’s finest?’ she offered.

‘Please tell me that isn’t Scottish wine?’ said Matt.

She looked at the bottle. ‘You’re in luck. It’s Italian.’

‘Then do the honours, please,’ said Matt. ‘I think we deserve it.’

The evening air was crisp, fresh and very cold.

It was the first time she’d had alcohol since her TIA, and she was careful to sip slowly from the half-glass she’d poured herself.

She’d switch to water after this. She leaned back against Matt, feeling the warmth emanating from his body.

His arm reached around her shoulder, and she felt a flash of guilt at sitting this way with him.

She sat forward again as naturally as she could, and Matt withdrew his arm, scratching at his neck instead.

‘So what did your old friend say?’ he asked. He wasn’t taking the wine as slowly as Alice and was on his second glass already.

‘He’s not a friend exactly,’ said Alice. ‘He was my professor.’

‘You’re not a fan of his,’ said Matt, swirling the wine in the plastic glass. ‘Was that why you didn’t want to go in?’

‘Maybe,’ said Alice, taking a micro-sip of her drink and thinking. ‘I was the only girl doing an astrophysics PhD,’ she said. ‘And he wasn’t always terribly professional.’

Matt shifted his position so he could look directly at her. ‘What did he do?’ he asked, anger rising in his voice. ‘If I’d known . . . ’

‘Nothing like that,’ said Alice quickly. ‘Well, not really. I just didn’t always feel . . . completely comfortable. I was pretty assertive back then. He probably felt a bit threatened.’

‘So he came on to you?’

‘I don’t know,’ said Alice. ‘Maybe.’

‘That’s a yes,’ said Matt. ‘There were issues reported in the army.’ He took another sip. ‘Things were getting better, but it was slow. And it shouldn’t have been that way in the first place.’

‘It seems better now, at the university,’ said Alice.

‘Did you notice there were plenty of women? The balance is better. Safety in numbers.’ She took a breath, looking at the silhouette of the Walter Scott monument against the sky.

‘There was only one other woman at my level in the physics department by the time I was studying for my PhD. I was so much happier because she was there.’

She glanced back at Matt, who was staring at the skyline. ‘Did you have people you could talk to?’ she asked him. ‘After your accident?’

‘It wasn’t an accident,’ he said. ‘It was an attack.’ He shivered. ‘God, my hands are freezing. I didn’t bring my gloves.’

Alice hesitated for a second, then reached out and took his right hand.

It felt cold in her palm and she rubbed it gently.

The touch was innocent, hand on hand, but she felt flustered, colour rising in her cheeks.

She fished around for something to say and failed.

In silence, they both looked out at Edinburgh spread beneath them, pretending not to notice the warmth emanating from the contact.

‘Yes,’ said Matt eventually. ‘Lots of people tried to talk to me about it. But they didn’t understand.

Before it happened, I felt like I could do anything.

I was strong, independent, fit and clever.

And no, not modest,’ he added. ‘I felt like I could do anything. And then suddenly I couldn’t.

I was disabled. I couldn’t conceive of it.

It didn’t feel real, but it was. I didn’t recognise my life any more. ’ He took a breath. ‘I didn’t want it.’

‘I’m sorry,’ said Alice, feeling the impotence of the words.

‘My leg was ruined,’ he continued. ‘It’s still there, thank God, but it’s ugly and scarred and painful and I hate it. Talking to people isn’t going to make it better.’

Alice didn’t know what to say, so she exchanged his right hand for his left and held it tightly.

‘I couldn’t be on active service any more, so I left the army.

And then there was no commanding officer, no one telling me what to do.

So I did nothing.’ He paused and finished off his wine.

‘Except drink and feel sorry for myself.’ He shifted his position, stretching out his leg with a grunt.

‘Then my sister visited me and found out I was about to be chucked out of my cruddy little bedsit, and she told me to come and live with her and Berti. So I did. I wasn’t happy about it, but I didn’t have anywhere else to go.

’ He looked at Alice. ‘Then you showed up.’

Alice looked back at him. ‘I don’t think scars are ugly,’ she said, remembering.

‘What?’

‘I know that’s just a little bit of what you were saying,’ she continued.

‘But scars can be beautiful. They make us unique.’ She turned her face to the sky.

‘Like the moon. It’s pitted and scarred from the impact of meteorites over the years.

It’s what makes it so stunning. The Sea of Tranquillity is a giant scar and it’s beautiful.

’ Matt put down his plastic cup. ‘And not just the moon,’ she went on.

‘Mercury, Mars, Callisto, Io. All scarred and all magnificent. We’re the exception here on earth, really.

What with our cushy protective atmosphere. ’

‘A protective atmosphere sounds good to me,’ said Matt.

‘Don’t get me wrong,’ said Alice. ‘I wouldn’t want it any other way. But I’m just saying. Meteorites hit. Things change. We look different. Not worse, just different.’

Perhaps it was the wine, perhaps the view, perhaps the warmth she could feel from his body, but she felt bold.

‘Can I?’ she asked, gesturing to his leg.

He nodded. Gently Alice rolled his trouser leg up.

There were smooth lines criss-crossing his calf.

They caught the light of the moon, reflecting an intricate pattern like the web of a spider glistening in the morning dew.

She sat back up and looked into his eyes. Their lips were close enough to touch.

They did.

Alice felt a heat like the burning of a newly formed star. She leaned into it, wanting more.

Then she pulled back. She was with Hugo. This was wrong.

‘We should go,’ she said. She was shaking a little. Her wine spilled over her jeans. ‘Shit,’ she said, though she didn’t care about the trousers.

Matt started to his feet. ‘I’m sorry,’ he said. He grimaced, leaning on his stick for support. ‘I shouldn’t have done that.’

‘It was my fault,’ said Alice. ‘I’m so sorry. Let’s go to the station. We’ve got a train to catch.’

*

‘Astronomy pudding?!’ exclaimed Berti the next day. ‘What does that even mean?’

‘Just the lighter, fluffier end of astrophysics,’ said Alice. She paused. ‘It’s fair enough really. I would have been a bit snobby about comets when I was studying for my PhD.’

‘A fluffy pudding would be disgusting,’ said Berti.

‘No,’ said Matt. ‘I would call Angel Delight fluffy, I think. Certainly light.’ He smiled too brightly. He’d been silent on the train back, but today he had a false jollity that Alice found alarming.

‘Angel what?’

‘You kids,’ said Matt. ‘You haven’t lived till you’ve had Angel Delight.’

‘I’m alive and I’ve never heard of it,’ said Berti. ‘And I don’t want fluffy food. Fluff belongs under sofas, and possibly on a warm winter jumper.’

Alice wasn’t listening. She was thinking about what she’d done, what she’d wanted to do.

Hugo was back in London, in the flat they shared, probably planning their wedding right now.

And she was kissing soldiers in Edinburgh.

It was despicable. She was despicable. She looked at Matt, who was still debating the benefits of Angel Delight with Berti.

She closed her eyes, wishing she didn’t find him so very, very attractive.

‘Have you nodded off, Alice?’ asked Berti.

She snapped her eyes open. ‘No,’ she said. ‘I was miles away.’

Matt glanced at her and she flushed, imagining what he was thinking.

‘You were right here,’ said Berti. ‘I could see you.’

‘You’ve got me there,’ she said. ‘I was right here.’

‘Hey, sis. Hey, Berti. Hey, Matt.’ Alice looked up from the telescope to see her brother standing at the entrance to the shed.

‘What are you doing here?’ she asked.

‘Jennie sent me to tell you it’s time to go home,’ said Eddy with a smile. ‘We were hanging out, you know, since you two boys were over here. It was pretty nice.’

‘So nice that she sent you away to bring us back?’ asked Berti. He was huddled over their calculation sheet, pen in hand.

Eddy’s smile fell a little. ‘I suppose so,’ he said, stamping his feet to keep warm. ‘It wasn’t like that, though. It was like I was part of the family.’

‘So she’s ordering you around already,’ said Matt, from his seat by the spare lenses. ‘Great work, Jennie.’

‘She likes me,’ said Eddy, his pale face a little flushed.

‘You like her,’ teased Matt, in the way only a very close friend could. ‘And she tolerates you because Berti and I are friends with your sister.’

‘I’m more Alice’s friend than you are,’ said Berti. ‘Aren’t I, Alice?’

‘You are both my friends,’ said Alice, refusing to choose. She looked at her brother, who was grinning at Matt. ‘Fancy a cup of tea while you’re here?’ she asked. ‘I still have the mug grandpa used to give you.’

Eddy stepped inside and closed the door behind him. It felt cramped but cosy with all four of them in there. ‘ My Favourite Grandson ,’ read Eddy from the mug. ‘How could I refuse?’

‘He only had one grandson, I assume?’ said Berti.

‘Isn’t it past your bedtime?’ laughed Eddy.

‘I have special permission. Besides, I need Matt to drive me home, and he clearly hasn’t left yet.’

‘Come on then,’ said Matt, slowly getting to his feet. ‘We’d best get going.’ He looked at Alice. ‘See you tomorrow,’ he said.

‘Tomorrow,’ replied Alice, busying herself with the old kettle. His farewell to Eddy consisted of a small punch to the shoulder as they left. Eddy punched him gently back.

Eddy stood awkwardly for a moment, looking around the room. Alice passed him a cup of tea and he sat down. ‘It’s good to see Matt again,’ he said. ‘I’ve missed him. How’s he doing?’

Alice felt awkward discussing Matt with her brother. ‘He seems OK,’ she said, her voice non-committal. She took a sip of her chamomile tea, enjoying the warmth it emitted to her face.

‘I might see if he fancies coming out to the garage one day. I’ve got some beauties in now. Real vintage machines.’

‘I think he’d like that,’ said Alice. They sat in silence for a moment. Alice was thinking, despite herself, about that moment on Calton Hill. That spark. And the look in Matt’s eyes as she’d pulled away.

‘How’s your asteroid hunt going?’ asked Eddy, reaching for a chocolate digestive from the open packet on the table.

‘Comet,’ said Alice, pleased at the distraction. She took a biscuit too and bit into it. ‘It’s going well,’ she said. ‘We need a better telescope, though.’

‘But you love this old thing!’

‘I know.’ She wondered how much to share with her brother. ‘I went back to university,’ she said. ‘Saw my old professor. He might let me use the one in the observatory there.’

Eddy dunked his biscuit in his tea for a moment before replying. ‘You went back?’ he asked, his voice uncharacteristically gentle. ‘How was it?’

‘It was good,’ said Alice. She thought a moment. ‘Great, actually. Being there, where it all happens, seeing what’s new . . . ’

‘I still can’t believe you gave it all up,’ said Eddy, popping the biscuit in his mouth before it disintegrated from its dunking. ‘You were so sure you were going to be an astronaut.’

‘We all have silly dreams when we’re young.’

‘It wasn’t a silly dream,’ said Eddy. He put down his cup and gave her his full attention. ‘You worked for it. And you were smart.’

Alice smiled. ‘I still am smart,’ she said, polishing off her biscuit.

‘Whatever,’ said Eddy. He leaned forward and picked up one of the logbooks. ‘This one’s in a sorry state,’ he said, peeling off a bit of the flaky cover.

‘It’s the one that was lost,’ said Alice, taking the book back and trying to flatten the cover back down.

‘Mum finally handed it over, did she?’

She frowned. ‘What do you mean?’

‘Don’t you know?’ Eddy looked at her in surprise.

‘Know what?’

‘I suppose not then,’ he said.

‘Shut up and tell me,’ said Alice, falling back into the annoyed younger sister role that felt so comfortable when she was around him.

Eddy grinned. ‘As Berti would point out,’ he began, ‘I can’t tell you if I shut up.’

‘You know what I mean.’

‘OK. Well, Grandpa didn’t lose that logbook. Mum hid it.’

‘She did what?’ said Alice, unable to believe what she was hearing.

‘She confessed to me afterwards,’ said Eddy. ‘I thought she’d have told you too by now.’

Alice bit her lip at the betrayal. Her grandfather, who’d been so good to all of them.

‘Why would she do that?’

‘She wanted to put Grandpa in a home but she knew you’d never agree, especially when he seemed OK on your visit.’

‘So she punished him by hiding his logbook?’

‘No,’ said Eddy, starting to look uncomfortable. ‘It wasn’t like that. I don’t think she meant it badly, it was just—’

‘He’d finally found a comet, and she took that from him?’ Alice remembered how upset her grandfather had been, searching through the kitchen drawers for that book. And her mother had known where it was the whole time.

‘No. I think she just wanted you to see what he could be like when he got upset.’

‘So she did something awful to upset him? Eddy, you loved Grandpa too. How can you be so casual about this?’

‘It was years ago, Alice. She was struggling with him. She had to put him in a home, she just didn’t want it to be a fight between the two of you.’

‘She could have just been honest with me.’

Eddy picked up his tea, then put it down again. ‘I think she was scared it would cause a rift between you.’

‘It has.’ Alice sat back in her chair.

‘I should be going,’ he said. ‘Listen, you won’t say anything to Mum? I really thought you knew.’

‘Of course I’m going to say something to Mum,’ said Alice. ‘I can’t believe she did that.’