Page 113 of Saving the Rain
Sinking my fingers into my hair, I tug on the strands until it stings. I miss him, and I ache for him, and I’m so in love with him. With shaky hands, I open the messages I’ve sent, my insides feeling torn to pieces. I’m contemplating deleting everything. To fully erase all those pathetic attempts to tell him how I feel because I want him to have a future that isn’t contaminated by my poison.
No. Oh god. By the time I get there, it’s too late. The blood drains from my face. He’s read all the messages I sent, yet there’s no reply. Of course, there’s nothing because I’ve been a goddamn burden on his life ever since our worlds first collided.
Except, I see something new. Raine has posted a new image on his page—the first one in who knows how long... at least a year, maybe more.
And it’s us. It’s our photo. His tattooed hand covering mine, with our fingers interlocked and resting on top of the bedsheets.
Beneath it sit five words that rob me of every breath and bring my heart stuttering to a halt, clattering against my ribcage.
“Never not obsessed with you.”
Chapter 46
The snow keeps coming, day after day, seemingly unending. I know it’s only inevitable, and enduring these sorts of moments in time, where the sun rarely puts in an appearance and the night comes around all too rapidly... well, such is the reality of winter in these mountains.
Even so, it’s tough mentally.
Particularly so on days like today when it feels like iced tendrils have been whipping at my face nonstop, and I’m weary. I’m so fucking weary.
How my dad has done this year upon year, I can’t fathom. He did all of this, without another soul to check on him or care for him. I might not have anyone here to physically help me out with the chores and the mundane routine of taking care of our stock, but I’ve got constant support.
Whenever I pick up the radio or find pockets of time when the internet is working strongly enough in the morning and at night to look at my phone, someone is always there to see how I’m doing.
Winnie jostles beneath me, her ears and mane are flecked with a dusting of snow, just as I am too. As I ride, I keep returning to the knowledge that it’s foolish of me to feel like it’s not enough. But I can’t fucking help it. The weeks have drifted on, and that glimmer of hope Ihad when Raine read my messages and posted the photo of us holding hands feels like a distant memory now.
I don’t know what I expected, but he’s typically distant and impossible to read. Of course, he is. This is the man who owns my heart from a million miles away, and he’s the absolute worst at communicating at the best of times.
So I gotta put up and shut up, and deal with the fallout from my own stupid mistake of pushing him away.
For all I know, he’s working in some similarly remote and inaccessible location. There’s no question... he’s undoubtedly going to be gone a long fucking time, and it’s on my shoulders to become the man who is worthy of him by the point when our lives cross paths again. Although, I hate not knowing when that might be.
This right here is all I can do. Focus on me. Do what he told me to do, and continue healing a little more each day in the meantime.
Even if it means doing so while balls fucking deep in snow and ice, cut off from the rest of the world.
Winnie tosses her head from side to side, which is her way of letting me know she’s just about had enough of being out in the elements. At least we’ve had a reprieve from the storm fronts battering the ranch. Today’s conditions aren’t due to deteriorate in the way they can so dramatically turn on a dime, but there’s still an ever-present drift of snowfall dancing little twirls and flourishes.
Those puffy clumps stick to my lips as I sink deeper into my high collar to shield against the wind. I lean forward and give her a pat on the neck. She’s been good to me today, so I promise extra treats and a night tucked up warm in her stall as thanks for being out with me in the bracing fucking chill while we made sure the cattle were fed.
Once we’re just outside the barn, I swing out of the saddle and give her a good dust-off. Her big liquidy eyes blink at me, and those clever ears twitch as she damn near runs me over in her enthusiasm to get back inside.
“Yeah, me too, girl.” I laugh. Fuck I spend a lot of time talking out loud to these horses. They’ve probably heard almost as much as I’ve unloaded on my therapist. Except for where that’s concerned, I’ve had to find someone who can do everything via messaging. The other funpart of our antiquated goddamn WiFi up here is the fact it isn’t strong enough for calls or anything that the rest of the world would be able to do with the power of the internet at their fingertips.
Now I can safely say, I’m in a hell of a better place.
Mind . . . relaxed.
Confidence . . . strengthened.
Sexuality . . . discussed at great length.
“At least it’s something of an improvement,” I mutter as Winnie clops beside me, and the two of us make our way toward the doors.
“Did you really mean what you said?” A deep voice reaches out from the shadows at the entrance to the barn.
Dark eyes lift to meet mine. The strongest of jaws, covered in a slightly thicker beard than when I last saw him. He leans back against the wall, with arms folded and boots crossed at the ankle.
The goddamn love of my life is waiting there, staring right at me.