Page 102 of Saving the Rain
We make our way inside with the food and quietly go through the motions of getting settled on the tiny couch. I’m not gonna bother him about talking. I know how hard it can be to open up, especially when it doesn’t come naturally to speak about the heavy stuff. So, if the only thing I can do is be here by his side, even if it’s gnawing away insideme to know what’s wrong, I’ll be right here for the second he finally finds the words.
It’s not until we’ve eaten and we’re in the lull between finishing the first movie and starting the sequel, that he tucks himself into my side. I drag him closer, making sure I can lie back and have his head resting on my chest. The opening credits roll on the screen of my laptop, and I thread my fingers of one hand through his, with the other I sift my touch through his strands of hair.
When he speaks, it’s right over my heart. His voice is low, measured, as if he’s been silently rehearsing what to say this whole time.
“My mom overdosed.”
I squeeze his fingers tighter.Shit. He told me they spoke occasionally, but I didn’t even think they had much of a relationship, if at all—not after all these years, with her being so far away.
“The hospital contacted me as I was on my way over.” Kayce’s muscles ease just a little bit more with each word. It’s like the act of finally allowing them past his lips gives him the ability to sink a bit deeper into the way we’re lying together.
We can stay exactly like this all night if he needs to.
I’d do anything to bring him a sense of relief or calm.
“How is she?” With my hand still threaded in his hair, I continue softly stroking over his crown.
“They’ll keep her in for observation for the next couple of days.” His voice cracks a little before he swallows heavily, and I feel his throat work as it dips against my torso. “It’s all my fault.”
Kayce keeps his face turned away from mine, but I tighten my hold on him. “Well, I know that’s not true.”
“You don’t know how much of a fucking terrible person I am.” His head shakes ever so slightly from side to side. “Itismy fault. I was the one who sent her money. She kept bugging me, and eventually, I just dumped money in her account because I wanted to shut her up and stop harassing me... now look at what I’ve done.”
God, I hate the way he’s so quick to blame himself for her addiction.
“Firstly, giving your mom money isn’t the same as handing herpills.” I run my thumb in slow circles over his palm. “Secondly, did she tell you that’s what she wanted the money for?”
He doesn’t answer. There’s nothing but the sound of the movie fading into the background now, and my heart thudding slowly. I hope he can hear it. I hope Kayce can hear that surety that he’s not alone in this.
“But what if I caused her to do it?”
My chest tightens, hearing all that pain in his voice. He’s trying so hard to disguise it, to not let a single crack show as to how much this is fucking killing him on the inside.
“Did she owe money again?” I ask.
His head tilts in a subtle nod.
“Then, if anything, you helped her more than she deserved by trying to fix a different problem in her life, one that she brought on herself.”
He stays quiet for a moment before speaking. “I can’t be responsible for her forever... I feel like it’s always one step forward and two back. She makes it seem like I can’t ever get away from her shitty decisions.”
Now, more than ever before, I just want to take him away from all of this. Before he arrived, I’d been pacing up and down my kitchen, bursting to share the news with him—something entirely new for me to want to do. A glimmer of hopefulness lit me from the inside. I had wanted to greet him the second he walked in that door with a surprise. But now’s not the time, he’s not in the right headspace to even think about it.
But one thing I do know is that Kayce deserves to know a life where he’s not haunted by his mom’s demons. She’s an adult, she’s had decades to get help, refusing all the opportunities presented to her.
He’s been a better son than most would ever bother to be.
“She’s got medical help right now. Being in the hospital is the best place for her.” Running my palm down his arm, it’s hard not to be taken right back to a time so many years ago. A flood of memories of our strangely intertwined past in that poisonous house. Two toxic fucking people who should neverhave gotten married and who certainly fed each other’s addictions.
“What happens when they discharge her, and inevitably, she goes back to old habits? What do I do the next time she starts calling?”
I lean forward off the couch a little so that I can drag his hand to my mouth and brush my lips over the pads of his fingertips.
“We just take it one day at a time. And I’m right here with you.”
Sleep comes restlessly for Kayce.When he does fall into a patch of heavier breathing, and his limbs droop, it’s only for short stretches at a time.
Keeping him curled against my chest, I lie there in the dark holding him, listening to his shallow breathing. I’ve never been much good at sleeping, there are too many corners of my mind that lurk waiting for the moment when my guard drops.