Page 36 of Playmaker

Cameron

It didn’t take me long to find someone with alcohol.

I texted my entire contact list, but truthfully, I would have taken some from a stranger on the street if they offered it to me. It didn’t matter who the source was, just as long as I obtained it.

Fucking Mark was the first one to text back. He was playing poker with his friends and extended an invitation, which included free liquor. At first I didn’t dare entertain the possibility of hanging around him, but after some more thought, I figured going to Mark’s was what I deserved.

Playing poker with him and his buddies was a reminder of the type of guy Maddie could have had if I wasn’t a selfish prick. I don’t care what she claimed I was. For the second time I fucked around with her heart, so I played poker and sat next to the guy she should have given her chance to instead of me. Twist the knife a little deeper.

I deserved every ounce of pain it delivered.

And then, to top it all off, when I got so drunk I could hardly stand, Mark offered to drive me home because he was sober. He’s the good guy. The type of guy who would choose Maddie over anything else. The type of guy who isn’t hounded by the pressure of making it big and pleasing everyone else but himself.

She should have chosen him.

And now, after stealing a bottle of whiskey from my father’s liquor cabinet, I’m sitting on the same couch where she left me the first time, drinking myself into oblivion.

Christ .

I took her goddamn virginity.

She was filled with light and hope and everything good the world has to offer, and in return I dragged her down into my world of misery, tainting her angel wings with hopelessness and despair.

With another long pull from the bottle, I enjoy the burn it brings as it travels down my throat. The world is tilting on its axis, threatening to pull me under, but I force myself upright to face the disappointment and regret head-on.

When my mom passed, I thought becoming a robot and feeling nothing was the worst I’ve ever felt.

But now that Maddie and I are officially done, I’m feeling everything, and that, I’ve come to learn, is far worse.

The jingling of keys echoes on the other side of the front door. I’m so drunk I fear I’m hallucinating when my dad seems to teleport in front of me. How did he get in here so quickly?

He frowns, turning on the lamp beside me. “It’s three in the morning, Cameron. What are you doing?”

“What are you doing?” I slur, waving my hand around. “Shouldn’t you be, I don’t know, anywhere but here?”

Snatching the bottle of whiskey out of my hands, he sighs excessively. “I told you I was going to come back so we could discuss the routine and get you back on track. You shouldn’t be drinking. This is why I told you not to get involved with her.”

The laugh I release is one of disbelief. “You think I’m drinking because of her ? None of this would be happening if you didn’t give me a fucking ultimatum!” Anger courses through me, and with the addition of liquid courage, I’ve reached my breaking point. How dare he waltz in here and act as if he cares about my life. As if he cares about my well-being. The only reason he’s here is to ensure I have the best chance at being drafted.

“You know, football used to be something we loved to do together,” I continue. Now that the dam has burst, I can’t seem to close it. “It was fun, and after mom passed, I learned to love it even more because it connected me to her. But you became obsessed. My training sessions, tracking my calories, tracking my location to make sure I wasn’t partying. I let you control my life, and now—” I blink away tears. “I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t know what my dreams are. I’m in a constant cycle of pleasing you because if I don’t, if I don’t have football to connect us, I’m afraid you’ll leave for good.”

The truth comes out. My one fear—the one I can’t get rid of no matter what I do—makes its way into the void, and my father stands in front of me with the bottle of whiskey in his hand, stunned into silence.

“I understand you worked so hard to try to give me a better life, but I would rather have gone to community college if it meant you’d be home more. I could have cared less about the name brand clothes. I just . . . I just wanted you .” My voice is gravelly from trying to hold the tears back, but when I glance up, my dad has a liquid sheen coating his eyes as well.

“I didn’t—” A hand rakes over his hair before he takes a swig of the whiskey, wincing on the swallow. “All I’ve ever wanted was the best for you, but clearly it hasn’t come across that way. Do you honestly think getting into a relationship is a good idea when you’re so close to being signed by Arizona?”

“Who says I want to be signed by them?”

Silence falls between us, taking up every section of space in the room. “What do you mean you don’t want to be signed by Arizona? It’s been your dream ever since you were a teenager.”

“No.” I laugh, cold and lifeless. “It’s been your dream. Every decision I’ve made has been based on what would make you happiest. I was terrified of disappointing you, so I went along with your diet plans, workout routines, and anything else you suggested because it was the only thing that we had in common after Mom died. But you know what? I don’t know where I’ll be drafted, but the one constant nagging thought I have is that I hope for damn sure it’s close to Maddie because I can’t live without her. I’d be devastated without football, but losing her? I won’t survive it. I’m barely surviving now.”

Telling him this is pointless when I know he’ll never change his mind. I’m wasting my breath. “Anyway, none of this matters,” I say while reaching for the bottle again. Shockingly, my dad allows me to take another swig.

He takes a seat beside me, hands clasped between his legs. “It does matter.”

My hand holding the bottle freezes in front of my lips.

“You’re my kid,” he continues. “And I didn’t know you felt that way. The fact you kept those feelings inside this long should tell me all I need to know about how good of a parent I’ve been.” My father has never cried in front of me, not even when my mother passed. He’s always tried to be strong for us, but now a tear slips onto his cheek. “I thought that providing you with everything you could ask for would give you what you needed. I wanted to make your mother proud, but instead I think I’ve failed her, and I’ve failed you in the process too. She would have loved to see you carry out your dreams by playing football professionally, and I became so wrapped up in it that I somehow lost what you wanted. I never asked, and I should have.”

Am I hallucinating again?

My father and I are having a conversation that is actually going well for once.

His reflection isn’t one I disagree with, so I’m not going to make up some bullshit excuse and stroke his ego that he’s been a good father when he hasn’t been. Instead, I give him the time to work this out himself.

“I miss her more than you can possibly imagine, and I’ve let my grief consume me, which resulted in me neglecting you when you needed me the most. Your mother was my soul mate. She was the type of person who could make the sun come out in the darkest of storms, and it became painstakingly obvious when she passed that the sun had no intentions of ever breaking through the clouds again. It broke me, Cameron.”

My vision is blurry, so I desperately blink down at my shoes to try to clear it.

“I’m sorry I haven’t been there for you in the ways that matter, and I’m sorry I became so shattered by her loss that I stopped focusing on the most important thing, which is keeping our family together. I could come up with a thousand ways to try to solve this between us, but what do you want? What do you need from me to fix this?”

The anger that’s been brewing in me for years at his absence throbs with a glimmer of hope he’s giving, and that fifteen-year-old boy who lost his mom can’t seem to let go of it. Mending things isn’t something that’s going to happen overnight, and while I’ll never understand why he chose to leave me, I can understand his pain. I can understand changing into a different person. Becoming emotionless. Becoming an empty shell of the person I used to be.

So I think about his question for a few moments before I say, “Time. I understand you work a lot, but I wouldn’t mind a visit here and there at school. And maybe we could talk about something other than football during those visits.”

He nods thoughtfully, and even though he’s not speaking, I can see his mind working as he deciphers my words. “Done. Anything else?”

“Maybe therapy? I think, you know, after all that’s happened, we could both use it. Together and individually.” Because the more this conversation unfolds, the more I realize that Maddie was right. The only person stopping me from relieving this pressure is me . All it took was a single confession to my dad to get my point across and begin the healing between us, and if I can openly speak about all the other shit going on in my head with someone else, maybe I can mend myself too.

“And no ultimatum,” I add. “It might be too late since I ended things with her this morning, but I can’t achieve my dream of football if Maddie isn’t by my side. They’re both my dreams, and if you strip me of one, it’ll take away the other.”

He leans back into the couch, taking the whiskey back to take another gulp. “Are you sure she’s the one?”

Last week I wouldn’t have been able to answer that confidently, but with this major step taken and gaining a semblance of control back in my life, I’m proving to myself that I can be the guy who chooses her over everything else. I refuse to accept anything less.

“She is,” I reply. “I’m in love with her.”

I’m expecting a rebuttal or some sort of lecture, but what I didn’t expect? A smile on my father’s face. “I’ll be damned,” he mutters more to himself than me. “It seems your mother was right.” Before I can ask what he means, he clears his throat and adds, “I’ll take your word for it. Even though I don’t think it’s the smartest decision to become involved with someone, if she’s truly the one you want to be with, I’ll learn to be okay with it.”

“Really?”

He shrugs. “I’ve always loved Maddie for you, I just didn’t think it was the right time. If she and football are what will make you happy, then I’ll compromise, and we’ll figure out a way to make it work. However, if your grades start to slip —”

“They won’t.”

He holds up the empty bottle, examining the damage I did on it. “All right then. You need to get some sleep. We can talk about things in the morning when you’re sober.”

“You aren’t leaving?”

“No.” He shakes his head, regret shining in his eyes. “I’m going to make an effort to be part of your life more, Cameron. I mean that. I’ll be here when you wake up, although something tells me you’ll be busy pining for the girl I made you let go of. If you need me to apologize to her, I’d be more than willing—”

“Thanks, but this is something I need to fix myself.” Because just like Maddie said, I’ve been standing in my own way, but not anymore.

Now that I’ve taken the control back, there’s nothing stopping me from achieving my ultimate dream of happiness.

Her .

—

When morning comes, I realize drinking an entire bottle of whiskey wasn’t smart. My head is pounding and my stomach rolls with nausea, but this hangover is going to have to wait.

I’m a man on a mission.

Operation Get Maddie Back is in full effect.

But when I turn onto my side, I see a letter on my nightstand. It’s not just any letter. The familiar cursive handwriting of my name makes my heart cease beating in my chest. For a millisecond, I assume I’m dreaming, but the letter feels real when I twirl it between my fingertips.

This is my mom’s handwriting.

I’d recognize it anywhere.

My thumb traces over my name, and because I can’t help myself, I bring the envelope to my nose to see if it still smells like her. I’m disappointed there isn’t any trace of lilac, a perfume she always loved, and before I can drive myself mad any longer, I open the letter with shaky fingers.

My dearest Cammie,

You’re likely wondering why you’re reading this letter, but along with this one comes plenty of others that will correlate with big moments in your life. I didn’t want to miss a thing, so I’m entrusting your father to deliver these to you during these milestones, as I fear I don’t have much time left.

There are moments you’ll experience when your father might not be much help, and realizing you’re in love is one of them. Sure, he might have some advice, but I taught him everything he knows. How else would he have married me?

Writing this while you’re so young breaks my heart because more than anything I want to be there for the day you marry the love of your life, but I’ve come to terms with the fact I can’t be. Please remember that even if I’m not there physically, I’m with you spiritually in every step you take. Not even time and space could prevent me from watching over you.

You’re the sweetest, most kindhearted boy this world has ever seen, and with this letter, I’ve written some things down about my marriage that I hope you experience in your own someday. Whoever has stolen your heart, I know they’re lucky, and I wish I could have met them.

For starters, I hope you’ve found someone who is willing to stick by your side no matter what obstacles come your way. In life, things don’t always go the way you expect them to, and it’s important to have a partner who will not only lift you up in those tough moments, but love you through them too.

I hope you’ve found someone who finds you just as attractive at your worst as they do at your best. Beauty fades as we grow older, so I pray the person you’ve chosen admires the beauty that is within you.

Lastly, I hope you’ve found someone worth fighting for. Love is the strongest force on earth. It’s capable of moving mountains if you try hard enough, and your partner should be the driving force of it all. Love can pounce quick, with no mercy, or it can sneak up on us over time, but if it’s true love, any milestone you pass, any decision you debate, and every breath you take will be made with them in mind without you even realizing it. That person becomes the center of your universe, and although terrifying, it can be the greatest experience you’ll have in this lifetime.

Since I won’t have an opportunity to do so later, can I take a wild guess as to who has become the center of your universe?

Is it Maddie?

If not, please continue to the next paragraph (I am so sorry). But if it is her, I couldn’t have chosen better for you myself. She looks at you like you’re the moon to her stars, and call it motherly instincts, but I’ve always known there was something special between you two.

I love you, Cammie. I am overjoyed you’ve found someone worth fighting for, regardless of if it’s who I’m assuming or not. You will always be my proudest accomplishment, and if I can’t be there to take care of you, it warms my heart knowing you’ve found someone to take my place.

Love always,

Mom