Page 23 of Playmaker
Maddie
Holidays at the Davis household wouldn’t be complete without the Holdens joining us. We’ve celebrated Christmas together every year since I was born, and over the years we’ve created new traditions that always have me itching for December even in the dead heat of July.
My favorite tradition is making cookies with my mom and Stacy. We make my grandmother’s sugar cookie recipe, and then we add a batch of Stacy’s famous chocolate chip. This year we’ve added Maya into the mix. We met this year in science class, and my mom insisted she stay to frost the sugar cookies since she could use all the help she could get.
We’re seated around my parent’s large dining room table, plastic tablecloths beneath jars of frosting and different colored sprinkles. Christmas tunes play softly from a nearby speaker, and Stacy hums along happily. Normally my mom is overjoyed for cookie day, but this year is different. She keeps looking at Stacy with her lips tilted into a frown, worry etched in the lines of her face. She sat me down last week and told me Stacy had cancer and that it didn’t look good, but I still don’t understand what that means. All I can grasp is that Stacy doesn’t have hair any longer, opting for colorful scarves or beanies instead.
“I’m making a dinosaur,” Cameron says proudly beside me. I glance down at his sugar cookie, which is in the shape of a bell, not a dinosaur, but Cameron’s trying to be creative.
“That’s an awful dinosaur,” I reply. “It looks nothing like one. Why don’t you just make the bell pretty like a normal person?”
He scoffs. “Like yours?” My bell is decorated in edible pearls with baby-blue frosting—a picture-perfect cookie if there ever was one. “Not everything in life has to be pretty, Mads.”
“I beg to differ. Pretty things are almost always perfect.”
I gasp when he flicks my nose with frosting, sending me a cheesy smile filled with braces. “Not always.”
Frosting on my nose should have me outraged, but the only thing my mind seems to be focused on is the assumption that he thinks I’m pretty. It’s all I can think about the entirety of frosting, and after we’re done cleaning up the mess, all the cookies in their respective Tupperware containers for tomorrow, Stacy taps me on the shoulder, jerking her head toward the hallway. “Can I steal you for a second, sweetheart?”
I nod, following her silently into the foyer, where she grabs her large purse off of the banister and rummages around before pulling out a tiny gift bag. “I wanted to give you this,” she says with a watery smile.
“Now?” I ask. “But Christmas is tomorrow.”
“I know, and you have a few other gifts coming from us, but I wanted to give you this one myself.”
My brows are scrunched as I remove the tissue paper and pull out a velvety blue box. I’m still confused until I open the lid and see the gold necklace lying inside. It’s a beautiful locket with diamonds encrusted around the edges, and I open the clasp to reveal an image of Stacy holding me as a baby. A lump forms in my throat as I process this gift and why she’d want to give it to me when it’s just the two of us, but she beats me to it before I can ask.
“You need to know how proud I am of you,” she whispers, reaching up to wipe a stray tear from my cheek. “You’re the daughter I never had, and I am so blessed to have been given the opportunity to watch you transform into a beautiful, kindhearted girl.”
“Stacy,” I choke out.
“I wanted you to have something to remember me by so that no matter what happens, I’ll always be with you.”
I hug her so hard I fear I’ll knock the wind out of her, and my tears stain her purple sweater. I inhale deeply, wondering how many more of her hugs I’ll get to experience. This is her goodbye gift to me, which means . . .
“I’m not ready.”
“None of us ever are,” she soothes.
“I can’t accept this, Stacy. It looks way too expensive.” But I also don’t want to accept it because if I take this necklace, it means I accept her goodbye, and I don’t. I can’t. Imagining life without her is impossible.
“Of course you can,” she says. Then she swivels her finger for me to turn around. I move my hair for her to clasp the chain, and when the gold heart hits my chest, something final settles in the depths of my soul. “Do you like it?”
“Like it?” I twirl the heart between two fingers, admiring it between sniffles. “I love it, Stacy. It’s perfect.”
“Good.” She laughs. “I can’t take all the credit. Cameron helped pick it out.”
My eyes snap to hers. “He did?”
“Yep. Took two hours to find the perfect one, but we found it eventually.”
Thinking of Cameron in a jewelry store for that long makes a laugh bubble up my throat. “He must have hated that.”
Stacy arches a brow, and the next words out of her mouth make my world come to a standstill. “I don’t think he did considering it was him who took two hours debating which one to get you.”
—
As I stare at myself in the full-length mirror in Maya’s bedroom, I can’t help but let my insecurities take over. Don’t get me wrong, my best friend made sure I looked incredible for this date. My hair is curled to perfection rather than its usual mess of tangled ringlets, and my makeup is smoky and date-like, but no matter how hard I try to convince myself I’m good enough, it doesn’t seem to work.
Cameron’s silence after I came clean and practically begged him to say the three words I needed was very telling. I don’t want to go on this date with Mark because my heart is and has always been with Cam, but if he’s unwilling to admit this is something more than a hookup between us, I need to see what else is out there. A boy like Mark, who is kind, charming, and treats me well, is worth testing the waters with.
“You look hot.” Maya looks up from her phone and nods in approval from where she’s sitting on her bed. “I knew that dress would look good on you.”
The deep-purple fabric clings to every curve I have and hardly goes past my thighs. Mark had said our date would be introverted, and this dress screams a night out on the town. I’m no doubt overdressed, but Maya reassured me it’s better to be overdressed than under, so I’m reluctantly taking her advice.
“You think?” I do another twirl to give her a full-body view.
“Totally. Mark is going to be drooling like a dog, and Cameron is going to feel like a fucking ass for messing things up with you.”
I had no reason to turn Mark down, so I wish this churning of guilt inside my stomach would stop. Cameron made it clear that this was purely physical between us. He wants to hook up for the remainder of break, and although that hurts me to the very core, I have to accept that. Spilling my guts didn’t change anything.
So when Mark picks me up, I’m going to push Cameron to the very back of my mind and put all my focus on someone who deserves my time and attention. If Cameron wants to continue our friendship, then fine, but anything extra is off the table. I can’t keep messing around with him if my heart is in it and his isn’t. I thought I could do this and commit to no attachments, but I was a fool. I’ve been in love with him for years . Feelings that strong don’t just disappear.
“I’m jealous,” Maya admits. “I haven’t been on a date in forever.”
I join her on the zebra-print comforter she hasn’t changed since middle school, wincing at how tightly the dress squeezes my ribs. “Go on a date, then.”
“Oh, because it’s that simple?”
“For you? Completely. You could have any guy you wanted.” I begin ticking off on one hand the names of guys I know she’s had a history with. “James, Carlos, Micah, Emmanuel, my brother .”
Her body stills, and I suppress a grin.
“Ethan? Why would you mention him?”
“Do you think I’m an idiot? We’ve been friends for years, Maya. I know when you’re flirting with someone, and that day at the lake made it more than obvious. You asked him about sailing .”
“I—” She shakes her head, her cheeks tinted pink. “It doesn’t matter if I have a crush on him or not. I wouldn’t do that to you. To us.”
“Truthfully, I don’t exactly have room to judge, do I? I’m doing the same thing with his best friend. Or was. I don’t know. Regardless, I’m not upset. It’d be more of a relief for you guys to tell each other already so you can be happy.”
Maya gnaws on her bottom lip. “You think he feels the same?”
I’ve had suspicions about them for a while now. There were always stolen glances when she’d come over to visit in high school, but lately my brother has made his feelings clear as day. She seems to be chipping away at his willpower, and with every flip of her hair and innocent smile, he’s close to breaking.
“I know he does,” I reply confidently.
“And you’re sure you won’t be upset if I make a move?”
“I swear it. However, you can keep the details to yourself if anything happens.”
“Why?” she teases. “Afraid your ears will bleed? I might do it anyway just to—”
Knocks echo on her front door, and my heart stills in my chest. Mark isn’t supposed to be here for another half hour, but maybe he’s early.
Fuck .
I don’t know if I’m ready for this .
“Breathe,” Maya instructs. “You’ve got this, Maddie. It’s one date. If something goes wrong, I’ll have my phone right beside me. I’ll come to your rescue and give you an excuse to ditch if you need me to. Just send the emergency word.” She disappears out of the room, and it doesn’t take long for her to reach the front door. Maya’s home is a trailer, and for the longest time she refused for me to see where she lived because she was embarrassed by it. Her parents work long hours every day, but their trailer is well kept and homey. She has no reason to be ashamed of it.
“Uh, what are you doing here?” Maya asks.
“Did she leave yet?”
The voice makes my pulse skyrocket. In seconds my palms are sweating, my ears are ringing, and I don’t even notice when Maya strides back into the room with an expression bordering on pissed off.
“It’s Cameron. Should I tell him to get lost?”
I shake my head and rise shakily to my feet, regretting letting Maya convince me to wear heels. “No. I’ll see what he wants.”
She gives me a knowing look. “Okay. I’ll stay in here then to give you guys your privacy .”
With a roll of my eyes, I close her bedroom door behind me and join Cameron outside. His eyes meet mine, and I can see his pupils dilate as he scans me from head to toe. “Jesus,” he breathes, shaking his head in disbelief. “You look—”
“Good for my date with Mark?” I finish for him, but his eyes are focused below my chin now, and it takes me a second to figure out why. The locket Stacy gave me glistens in the sunlight, distracting him.
“I wear it on special occasions,” I whisper, awkwardly shifting my weight.
His jaw ticks before he shoves his hands into the pockets of his sweatpants. Purple bags line his eyes, and it seems as if he hasn’t gotten any sleep. I hate that my first instinct is to ask him if he’s all right. He’s the one who created this wedge between us, and yet I’m wanting to see if he is okay.
Unbelievable .
“It isn’t,” he whispers so quietly I almost don’t hear him.
“What?”
“Purely physical,” he answers. “It isn’t.”
I’m too stunned to reply, and I’m grateful when he offers me his hand to help me down the steps because otherwise, I fear my knees would give out. Now that I’m on the ground, the top of my head meets his chin, so I have to glance up to stare into his eyes.
“I’m not the best at expressing my emotions since my mom passed, but I—” He drags a hand through his curls. “I’d never forgive myself if I let you walk away from me again, Maddie, so the answer to your question? It’s not just physical between us, and I don’t think it ever has been.”
Tears fill my eyes. “Cam—”
“I’ll completely understand if it’s too late,” he continues. “I’ve gotten more chances with you than I’ve deserved, but I need you to hear the truth, and honestly? I don’t know if I’m ready for a relationship or if I’ll be any good at one. I have attachment issues, and I use sex as a form of therapy. I’m terrified of hurting you if we try this and fail. I’m terrified of losing someone else close to me, and because of that, those three words you want me to say will take some time. But if there’s anyone worth trying for, it’s you , and if you’re okay with all of these red flags of mine and are still willing to see where this could go, I’d be an idiot if I let you go out with him tonight without putting my name in the ring.”
When he’s finished, panting and breathless, I can see how difficult being vulnerable truly is for him. His hands are shaking, still holding on to mine, but knowing he’s willing to try to overcome this fear shows me how serious he is about this.
About us.
I knew Cameron had attachment issues prior to him bringing it up in conversation just now, but I didn’t realize how deeply rooted the fear was. If he needs time to adjust to his feelings, if he needs to take this slow, I’m willing to hold his hand through it because he’s worth it.
He may not realize that yet, but I do.
Pulling my phone out of my sparkly crossbody, I open the Messages app.
Cameron watches me curiously before he asks, “What are you doing?”
“Canceling my date,” I reply casually, flicking my eyes to his. “Unless you’d rather me still go out with him tonight?”
A storm of emotion crosses his face. Shock, confusion, before settling on my favorite of all. He drags his eyes down my body in a slow, calculated perusal combined with that lazy grin and says, “Looking like this ? Fuck no.”
“Then it’s settled, Holden.” I send the text to Mark that consists of a lame excuse as to why I changed my mind. I feel horrible, but he deserves better than someone who could never fully be invested in him when their heart lies with someone else. I hope he finds the girl who’s meant for him because everyone should feel the way I do right now—like each and every spot of skin Cam touches ignites in flames. “What should we do now?”
Tugging me closer, his hands land on my hips. “I could think of a lot of things, Mads.”
“Okay,” I reply, suddenly out of breath. “Let me rephrase, then. What should we do first?”
“Hm.” I’m in heaven when he drags his hands up and down my sides, caressing the bare skin exposed through the cutouts of my dress. “Right now, I really want to kiss you.”
“Oh?”
“I always want to kiss you,” he admits. “Yesterday, today, and also six years ago.”
Is he trying to make me cry?
“Don’t,” he soothes when he notices my tears. He rubs beneath my eyes with his thumbs to swipe them away. “It’s the truth, and I’m so fucking sorry I lied to you. That night I had been about to make a move, and you were right. I did lean in. Every single time I was around you I wanted my lips on yours, Maddie Davis, and nothing has changed. Not even now.”
The sound I release is a mixture of a sob and a laugh. “Then what are you waiting for?”
Finally, his lips meet mine in a blistering, all-consuming kiss. I stumble backward from the force of it, but Cameron doesn’t let me fall. He hoists me into his arms so that my legs are around his waist, which doesn’t bode well for my dress. I break away from the kiss to try to pull it down, but it’s no use. Cameron’s hands have already found the band of my thong.
“You’re mine .” His voice is gravelly as he gives the band a snap. Those words alone would bring me to my knees if he wasn’t already holding me. “And all I want to do is take you home and show you how long I’ve been wanting to say that.”
He trails his lips down the column of my neck, my hands in his hair, and if it wasn’t for Maya having neighbors I’d suggest he take me in the back of his car right this instant. There’s another issue we have to discuss first, though, and it’s one I know he isn’t going to want to partake in.
“Is your dad going to tell anyone?” I ask. “Was he mad?”
As expected, Cameron’s body goes rigid at the mention of his father. Ever since his mom’s passing they haven’t had a good relationship, and it killed me to watch him go from a kid with loving parents to having none at all. It’s made my own resentment toward his dad grow.
“Don’t worry about him,” he says. “Everything is fine. He took a red-eye last night back to wherever the hell he’s doing his business nowadays, and I highly doubt he’ll call your parents.”
“Are you sure?” I remember the way he looked ready to tackle his son the second he caught us, and he certainly didn’t look happy about it, or like he’d be willing to talk things out.
Cameron dips his head to catch my gaze, and fuck, he’s perfect. That damn chain hangs between us, and it’s completely unfair how good he smells. Between his cologne and the grin he’s sporting, he’s making it extremely difficult to focus on anything but kissing him senseless.
He chuckles deeply, following where my thoughts have gone, and while holding me on his hip with one hand, he tugs his keys out with his free one. “Text Maya that you’re not coming back inside,” he says while striding for his car. “I’ve got better plans in store for you.”