Page 16 of Playmaker
Cameron
It’s almost nine, and after three rounds of Call of Duty with Ethan, I’m tired as hell. During training weeks I’m normally in bed by eight, but even if I tried to sleep right now it wouldn’t be possible. Not with my mind racing with thoughts of Maddie and what a fuckup I was at dinner tonight.
I should have told her about Mark the second I left the gym, but even if I had reached out, I don’t know what I’d have said. It’s not like I can claim her as mine. Everything is so new between us, and we haven’t exactly established boundaries. Maybe she wanted to explore with me and only me for the remainder of break. Maybe pushing her in Mark’s direction was the wrong thing to do.
Maddie is an emotional girl, and while there’s nothing wrong with that, it’s something I can’t offer in return. I haven’t been in tune with that side of myself in so long that I honestly don’t know whether or not it still exists, so it’d be pointless to try to find that version for her when I know this will never work out with us in the long run.
A pillow smacks me in the face, bringing me back to reality. “What the hell is up with you?” Ethan asks. “You’ve been acting weird all day. What gives?”
Racking my brain, I try to come up with some sort of excuse for my mood that doesn’t include his little sister.
“College,” I say with a shrug. “I’m stressed about the pressure on my shoulders. Every time I come home I’m reminded how everyone in this town sees me as their hometown hero , and it’s a lot to take in. Coach and others claim I’m a shoo-in, but what if I’m not? What if they’re wrong?” I’m not necessarily telling a lie. This has been weighing on me, I just haven’t wanted to admit it.
“Well, if you flunk out and fail at it, we can always open up that burger stand we talked about when we were younger.” I roll my eyes, but he gets a grin out of me. “All jokes aside, if you fail, it’s not going to be the worst thing in the world. You can move back home and become the best fucking football coach our high school has ever seen, or anywhere else in the country for that matter. You can be a mentor for kids, or you can ditch the football thing completely and do something with your physical education degree? That’s what you’re majoring in, right?”
I nod when he pauses the game, giving me his full attention. “There are plenty of options, and anyone who’s putting pressure on you doesn’t deserve to get an ounce of attention if you do make it to the NFL. Win or lose, you’ll still have me, and that’s what matters, right?”
My throat gets tight as I dip my chin to acknowledge him. “Thanks, man.”
Ethan is the brother I never had. He’s there for me through thick and thin, and although I know he’ll still stick around if this doesn’t pan out, what about everyone else? Would my dad still stay in touch if my football career ended? I don’t have a clue, and the fact I can’t answer that question is its own problem.
“Maybe you need to get laid.” He huffs a laugh, thankfully changing the subject. Right as he finishes his sentence, Maddie walks past his open door. “Maddie,” he calls. She freezes in the middle of the doorway and turns to face us. “Tell Cameron he needs to get laid so that he’ll stop moping around.”
Maddie avoids eye contact with me completely, staring at the floor.
“What?” Ethan waves between the two of us. “Are you both in shitty-ass moods? What is up with everyone?”
Then Maddie smiles that same grin she had on her face when she blew me this morning, and it takes an enormous amount of effort to avert my gaze. “I’m not in a bad mood, but I don’t think Cam needs any help getting laid. Rumor has it he was satisfied this morning, actually.”
If I had a drink, I’d be choking on it right about now.
“Oh really ?” Ethan spins to face me in his swivel chair. “Who? Sadie?”
Maddie raises her eyebrows expectantly, waiting to hear my answer.
Is this her version of payback?
If so, she’s got a rude awakening coming.
With a cunning smile in her direction, I say, “I’m not going to kiss and tell.”
Maddie rolls her eyes, and I understand she can’t stand me right now, but she has to know that I fucked up earlier. I need to tell her how horrible I feel about what happened, and if I could go back and make Ethan tell Mark to get lost, I would, but I didn’t know that’s what she wanted me to do at the time.
“So it’s a new girl,” Ethan muses. His face is puzzled as he tries to figure out who it is, but he’ll never be able to guess. “And you know who it is, Maddie?”
A smile threatens to appear on her lips, but she hides it and says, “I have no idea. I just took a wild guess. His dick seems to be inside a new girl every day.”
I flinch.
I actually flinch .
Is that what she thinks I’m doing? Sticking my dick in other girls all because I told Ethan he should set Maddie up with Mark?
She has no idea the power she holds over me. She doesn’t have a clue that I haven’t stuck my dick in anyone since we started messing around. Before that, even. I’ve been exclusive with her since the moment we kissed, but I can’t exactly say that with her brother in the same room.
“Who on earth could she be that you’re being so secretive about it?” Ethan asks.
If I can’t tell her, then I’m damn well going to drop hints.
“I’m not saying names because I want her all to myself,” I say, flicking my eyes to hers briefly. Her lips part, but she remains silent.
Ethan’s eyebrows shoot to his forehead. “She’s got you locked down like that ? Damn. Is she that good in bed?”
I immediately laugh and then laugh even harder because he has no idea he’s talking about his little sister right now.
“Definitely,” I reply, my eyes never leaving Maddie’s. “She’s the best I’ve ever had.”
Maddie’s eyes drop to the floor, her cheeks turning a bright red. She doesn’t want Ethan to see, so she quickly spins around and says, “You guys are gross. I’ve got studying to do.”
“As always,” Ethan replies when she disappears. “God, she’s so lame.”
Not always .
Contact with Maddie, whether it’s awkward or not, feels good. So good. Although she still seemed annoyed with me, she didn’t seem pissed, so I’m taking that as a step in the right direction. Then again, she was in the same room with her brother, so she couldn’t exactly act pissed in front of me and make the tension between us obvious.
I replay the interaction on a loop when Ethan starts the game back up, my brain overthinking and worrying about her ending this exploring proposition between us before it’s even started.
When did I become this type of guy? The type to analyze every word exchanged and try to read between the lines? It’s so unlike me.
I’m not clingy. I’m not someone who cares if a girl wants to continue things because I’ve never continued them before. With anyone. If I found a girl who was okay with what I was looking for, we’d have sex, and then we’d chat for a minute or two, and then they were out the door going about their lives.
Maddie is different.
Clearly, my first crush hasn’t faded, and now that I’ve crossed into the realm of intimacy with her, I’m afraid I won’t be able to stop. And I have to stop. We’ll be going back to school, and long distance has never worked out for anyone. How would it be able to work for us when we would have to hide our entire relationship?
It can’t work, and yet here I am, trying to conjure up ways to make it happen.
Releasing a sigh, I try to focus on the game again but it’s no use.
Maddie Davis fucked me up the very second her lips met mine, and now I fear I’ve got no chance of recovering.