Page 35 of Playmaker

Maddie

I should be packing considering I leave for school tomorrow, but instead all I can think about is the anticipation of how Cameron and I will celebrate our last day together.

My suitcase is open and empty on top of my comforter, stacks of clean clothes scattered around the floor, but I can’t focus on packing when my mind keeps replaying last night.

I still can’t believe Cameron rented a hot air balloon and we sipped champagne while flying over what felt like the entirety of Arizona. Those types of dates are only written about in books or shown in a major film. I never thought one would happen to me .

When we started fooling around two weeks ago I was hesitant to give my all to him when I wasn’t sure if he would be able to fully commit, but last night erased all those doubts. He’s in this. Fully . He wouldn’t have brought up a future together if he wasn’t planning on this working out between us, so there’s no more holding back. I’ll wait for him until he’s ready to say he loves me, because he’s worth it.

“Maddie! Cameron’s here!” my mom shouts from downstairs.

It’s embarrassing how quickly I make it to the front door. I’m a ball of energy, and Cameron is the only person who can wind me down. I want to fling myself into his arms, kiss him senseless, and—

I skid to a halt as soon as my gaze meets his.

Bags line his bloodshot eyes, and his hands are stuffed in the pockets of his shorts. From his demeanor, I can tell he hasn’t slept, and for the life of me, I can’t figure out why.

Our date last night was incredible.

“I’ll be in the kitchen,” my mom says, worry lining her features before she disappears down the hallway.

Cameron shifts his weight, clearing his throat before he asks, “Can we talk?”

The three words no one ever wants to hear leave me utterly in denial.

I’m not naive enough to assume this will be a good conversation. Can we talk is code for I’m breaking up with you , but I refuse to accept that. We both had an amazing time last night, didn’t we? Or was it all in my head?

Numbly, I follow him out to the driveway where his car is parked. He leans against the hood, so I follow suit and do the same beside him. Silence stretches for what seems like an eternity, but I can’t think of any words to break it. I don’t want to listen to whatever he has to say. I don’t want to stand here and feel my heart shatter into a million pieces again .

“My dad called last night,” he says, cutting right to the chase. “He threatened to pull my tuition if I don’t end things between us.”

I glance up at him; his profile showcases a clenched jaw. His eyes remain locked on the garage door, almost as if he can’t bear to look at me.

“And I—” He runs a hand through his curls, tugging on the ends in frustration. “I can’t have my tuition pulled, Mads. It’s everything I’ve ever worked for, and football is the closest thing I have to my mom. I—”

He doesn’t have to finish.

I get the gist.

Thousands of emotions run through my mind, but the most prominent is embarrassment . I knew going into this that it could end this way, but I foolishly held on to the hope that this time things would work out for us. The tears pricking the backs of my eyes are no one else’s fault but my own.

Cameron studies my face, cursing when he notices the tears threatening to spill.

There are plenty of questions I could ask right now. Why not go to another college that’s cheaper? His stats already have him on everyone’s radar. Why not take a chance on us and figure out a way to make this work?

But I’ve already fought for him once. I begged him to remain in my life all those years ago, and I refuse to do it again. I have enough pride to walk away, and I have enough self-respect to keep my tears at bay when I meet his stare again.

“Okay,” I whisper.

“Okay?” His brows furrow, perplexed. “That’s all you have to say?”

“What would you like me to say? We agreed to take things slow. I knew what to expect, so I have no reason to be hurt. I would never try to take you away from your dreams, Cameron, and if your dad is saying to break things off, I understand.”

Because at the end of the day, I love him, and I want him to be happy. If he didn’t have football, he’d lose his passion, and as much as I want to be mad at him, I can’t be. I’m studying to become a doctor for the same reason he’s striving to play football professionally—an attempt to cling to a bond that’s already been severed.

“You have every reason to be hurt,” he starts. “Mads, I took your vir—”

“Please,” I beg. “I don’t need a reminder of what happened, okay? I’m aware of what transpired between us, and no, I don’t regret it. You told me this could be a possibility.”

“It doesn’t mean I can’t be sorry. Despite what you’re probably thinking, I never wanted to hurt you, and the last thing I want to fucking do is walk away from you.”

The breeze whips between us, sending a shiver down my spine.

“You deserve someone who chooses you over everything else,” he says, “and although I want to, I don’t know how to be that person yet. My dad is depending on me because it’s his dream, too, and I can’t let him down.”

A bitter laugh comes out. “Cameron, maybe you’re right. Maybe I do deserve better, but again, I knew what I was signing up for when we started this. I knew about your baggage, I knew about the red flags, I knew about it all, and I still chose you. You needed time, and I was willing to give it to you because to me, we’re worth it.”

“We are worth it, Mads. You think I don’t know that? But I’m stuck here. Football is something I can’t give up, and I’m not going to ask you to wait until I’m drafted. It’s not fair to you. I’m not worth your time.”

With a heavy sigh I look up into the sky and blink a few times, trying to find the compassion I need in order to word this correctly. “I wish you knew how special you are,” I find myself saying. “If you could look in the mirror and see half of what I see, there wouldn’t be any insecurities.”

“Mads.” My name is a plea on his lips, but I can’t stop now that I’ve started.

“You’re the type of guy everyone is lucky to have in their life. You’re loyal, devoted, and selfless, even if you think you aren’t. It’s the reason you’re breaking up with me now. You want to keep the dream alive for your dad because you’re afraid that if you don’t he’ll break after keeping himself together for so long after your mother passed. I just . . . I wish sometimes you would be selfish, because if you’re constantly trying to please everyone else, you’re going to run yourself ragged, and then you’ll end up getting burned-out.”

He wipes his cheeks with his sleeve to gather the tears. “Trust me, I’m already burned-out. It happened a long time ago.”

“Then choose you .” As I reach up to wipe his tears myself, he leans into my touch, and damn if it doesn’t crumble the tough exterior I’m trying to keep up. “If that includes me, great, and if doesn’t, I’ll learn to accept that. This is your life, Cameron. The only person stopping you from easing all this pressure you carry is yourself.”

“Will you hate me?” he blurts. “If I choose to carry out my mom’s dream, will things go back to the way they’ve been? Silence and ignoring each other like the other doesn’t exist?” I smile softly when he bends down to rest his forehead against mine. “I can’t live like that again, Maddie, but if it’s what you need, then—”

“Give me time,” I say. “I don’t want things to be like that again, either, but—” But how am I supposed to forget the past two weeks? No matter how fleeting, the moments were real. Talking about the future, stolen moments of intimacy, losing my virginity, laughing our heads off together at the lake. I don’t know how I could ever FaceTime him or see him in person again without feeling the urge to touch him like this. Hold him like this.

And the realization that this is probably the last time we’ll ever get to do this washes over me like a tsunami.

As if the same thoughts are dawning on him, his lips crash against mine like a desperate, urgent necessity. Our tears meld together, a never-ending saltwater ocean of our own as my hands drag through his hair to pull him closer. His hands find my hips, pulling me closer against him to make the kiss deeper, but my tears are flowing freely now, and a sob working its way up my throat forces him to pull back.

I was supposed to be strong.

I knew this could happen, but I let it destroy me regardless.

“I’m sorry,” he repeats. “Fuck, I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay,” I gasp, but it’s not. We both know it isn’t. “I’m going to go back inside.”

This relationship was doomed from the start, but we gave it a shot. We tried, and we failed. No harm, no foul, right? I should be grateful I’ve experienced something so special, and it kills me to say goodbye, and although it’s not goodbye forever, it’s walking away from everything I’ve ever wanted.

“Don’t leave like this, Mads. We can . . . fuck, I don’t know. We can talk this through. Figure out a way to make this easier on both of us.”

Nothing will ever make it easier.

The damage has been done, and although I promised myself I’d keep my guard up, I failed, and now I’m left to pick up the pieces of my heart.

“You said you’d give me what I need. Being alone right now is what I need.”

His chest heaves with a shaky exhale, but with a jerk of his chin, he releases me from his hold, his fingers flexing as if he regrets the decision to do so immediately. “Can I call you tonight?”

He can try, but I can’t guarantee that I’ll answer.

It’ll be too soon.

Too fresh.

Seeming to get the hint, he nods. I leave him on the hood of his car before I make a mistake and kiss him again, prolonging the inevitable.

Getting my heart broken has always been the outcome of this scenario, but I stupidly ignored it. My brother was right. Maya was right. I should have kept that fucking guard up, but I didn’t.

When the front door clicks shut behind me, only then do I let the repercussions of my decisions fully reach the surface. My heart implodes into a thousand tiny shards just as my mom rounds the corner and sinks with me to the floor, scrambling desperately to pick them up.