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Chapter fifteen

Lennon

T ucked away in my office, I stare at the blank fields on the loan application, waiting for the words to come. But the only word in my head is the one Axel said last night, right after he came inside me. Mine .

There’s a solid chance he didn’t mean for me to hear that.

His voice was so soft, barely even a whisper, so it took me a second to decipher what he said.

And if I’m being truly honest, I’m not even sure he knows he said it since things were totally normal for the rest of the night.

Or as normal as they can be between two people who are using each other for a little fun. If that’s still what we’re doing.

Admittedly, it sort of feels like we moved past tryst territory.

Why else would he come back when we had no plans to see each other again?

Yes, the sex is incredible, but by Axel’s own admission he prefers biking to sex, which should mean there’s no reason for him to seek me out. That begs the question, why did he?

I’m not sure I should answer that. In fact, I’m not sure I should encourage him while he’s here now. I didn’t expect to miss him following the first time he left, and after last night, I suspect watching him leave will be even harder this time around .

I’ll probably end up feeling as blank as the fields on this application.

Dammit, why did he have to come back? Why did he have to treat me like more than a fling?

No matter how much I try to convince myself otherwise, last night was a big deal.

The heat of the moment might've played a role, but deep down I knew what I was doing.

That I was giving him something I never planned to offer anyone, and that it would change things.

At the time, I might've been hoping that level of trust would somehow make things real between us. Now, in the light of day, I remember that’s futile.

Aside from the fact that I swore never to rely on anyone, I couldn’t have picked a worse guy to temp myself with. Not that Axel isn’t a good guy, just the opposite. But the fact is he’s always going to leave. Always . And I’m going to stay.

If things were different, I could almost see making a go of it.

After all, I think it's possible to fall for a man without relying on him, and if that were to happen here in Katah Vista, where I’m building my future, I wouldn’t object.

But I won’t repeat my mother’s mistakes.

I won’t be careless enough to chase a guy around the country at the expense of the career that provides me with security, not even when the guy is one I think I could really like.

Maybe even love. If I’m capable of that.

For so long I’ve shunned the idea of a relationship, not wanting to live through what my mom did, and I never felt like I was missing out on anything.

I had my career and my friends—not much of a social life, but my career is inherently social so that didn’t bother me.

It wasn’t until I had someone to spend my limited free time with that I started to question things.

To wonder if I was denying myself a happiness I didn’t even realize I wanted .

Given the nature of Axel’s career, I doubt happiness is possible with him.

Still, I can’t stop replaying that word in my head.

Mine . Was that the pig talking, trying to keep me aroused with some possessive banter, or the man who I think might actually care for me?

It could go either way, but if it’s the latter, I can only hope he doesn’t expect me to change for him.

It’s the one thing I vowed never to do, and I’ve no intention of breaking that vow, no matter what my heart might want.

***

“It’s the lunch rush and you’re hiding back here, what gives?” Sloan knocks on the door as he steps inside my office.

I lean back in my chair and roll away from the desk, grateful for the excuse to stop looking at the blank spaces on the document in front of me. “Catching up on paperwork.” I stretch my arms above my head and arch my back.

“Playing catch up? Would that be because of the motorcycle I saw parked outside your house this morning?” He plops into the chair across from me and props his elbows on the arm rest.

Shit. I had a feeling that was going to come back to bite me.

“Don’t start, it’s not what it looks like.” I roll my chair closer to the desk and put my hands on the keyboard, fingers hovering over letters I don’t push since I’m still too distracted.

“No? Are you telling me your lovesick biker didn’t come back for seconds?” I feel him smirking at me.

“He did, but that doesn’t make him lovesick.”

“What would you call it?” Though I’m concentrating on my screen, I see Sloan press his fingertips together like a damn therapist, waiting for my confession .

“Horny,” I deadpan.

“Hmm.” He taps his index fingers together. “I don’t buy it. Try again.”

“You don’t have to buy it, there’s no other reason for him to have come back except that the sex is incredible.

” I feel my cheeks warm, though not because I just admitted to enjoying sex with Axel.

I’m not ashamed of that. I’m afraid Sloan will see that part of me is starting to wish it could be more.

“Lennon, don’t pretend either of us is dumb enough to believe that. If the guy just wanted a hookup we both know he could find that anywhere. Instead, he drove at least four hours to hook up with you .” He points a finger at me.

“I did say incredible, right?” I lift my eyes to meet his.

“There’s no such thing as sex so incredible you’d drive four hours for it.”

“Then you haven’t had it. Just saying,” I add defensively when I see his jaw drop.

“Alright, say for a minute it’s that good. Why?” He cocks his head to the side like he’s trying to see deeper into my brain.

“I don’t understand the question.”

“Why is it so good?” Sloan watches me expectantly, like he’s waiting for me to have some sort of revelation.

“Um, you’re my friend and all, but…”

“Lennon!” He jumps up from his chair, cutting me off. “It’s so good because it’s the two of you together . And since you can’t see it on your own, I’ll tell you—that means it’s more than just sex.”

“Pfft,” I snort. “We’ve literally done nothing else.”

“He got you to take a day off.” Sloan sets his hands on the desk and leans forward, daring me to object .

My mind drifts to the day on his bike when all we did was talk. Shit . I guess we did do something besides sex. Once.

“So?” I shrug indifferently. I may be curious about whether it could be more. Daydreamed about it even. But daydreaming is safe. Harmless. What Sloan is implying isn’t.

“You don’t take a day off for anyone. Ever . But you did for him.” He bites back a satisfied smile, like he’s won a debate I didn’t realize we were having.

“Okay, I hear you,” I concede, since there’s really no point in pretending Axel didn’t coax me into a day off. “It doesn’t change anything, though. He’s still touring with his bike stuff and I’m not going anywhere, so this will eventually run its course.”

“He can’t tour forever.” Sloan sighs and straightens to his full height, making me feel like I’m being scolded.

I shut my laptop, since I’m obviously not going to get anything else done. “No, but I’m sure there are several years yet before he’d give it up. He’s apparently the guy to beat.”

“Maybe he’ll want to go out on top.” Sloan offers, as though Axel’s career can be so easily tossed aside. For me .

His eyes beam with excitement as he links Axel and I together in his mind. I didn’t know he was such a romantic. And he's convincing me to believe it. Almost.

“Not that I don’t appreciate having a cheerleader, but why are you so determined to make this into something it’s not?” Why are you trying to get me to want something I can’t have?

“Because you’re so determined to dismiss it.

Look.” He rests his hip against my desk.

“There’s a whole town of people who’ve been trying to get through to you about the need to slow down, but only one person has actually done it.

Whether you want to admit it or not, that makes him more than just a hookup. ”

“It doesn’t make him mine, though. And as long as he’s just passing through, he never will be.”

Sloan’s face droops as I shut him down, but for my own sanity that’s what I have to do. Axel will leave again, which means I can’t indulge in Sloan’s wishful thinking, or let my daydreams take hold.

That’s easier said than done considering he’s crashing at my place for the next few days, but as long as we keep fucking like rabbits there’s no need to let myself believe he wants anything more than a convenient hookup, exactly as we agreed to in the beginning.

I just have to make sure that pesky organ in my chest doesn’t take over thinking for the one in my head.