Page 24

Chapter fourteen

Axel

“ I t’s open,” I call out when a sharp knock rattles the door. Despite being a pretty sweet rig, the trailer is still made of aluminum or some shit, so it doesn’t have a solid echo like wood.

“Want to head into town for a bite?” Jace steps inside, casting me a critical look when he sees me sprawled on the couch still wearing the gear from our earlier ride.

“I thought the point of swinging by the grocery on our way to the campsite was so we didn’t have to go all the way into town.” I hit pause on the TV.

“It’s twenty minutes to town, not twenty hours. And they have actual food, not microwave dinners.”

“I like microwave dinners.”

“You tolerate them, you don’t really like them.” He shakes his head and lets out a frustrated sigh. “Are we gonna talk about this?”

“Talk about what?” I’m being petulant, but my emotions are too raw for a rational conversation.

“Dammit, Axel.” I jolt at his sudden outburst. “I’ve been trying to give you space and let you bring it up when you were ready, but I can barely get you on the bike much less talking, and neither of those things is normal.

Time’s up.” He crosses his arms and leans a hip against the tiny counter of the kitchenette.

“What do you expect me to say?”

“Whatever’s on your mind. And don’t bother telling me it isn’t the guy.”

“Fine, it’s the guy.” I slouch deeper into the couch, tucking an arm behind my head so I can prop it up just enough to see Jace instead of the ceiling.

“And…” Jace prompts.

“And what? Turns out I like guys now, or him anyway. Can we not dissect it?”

“I’m not trying to dissect it, I’m trying to get to the bottom of why he’s making you ride like shit, which is kind of freaking me out.”

“Because you still love me?” It’s a low blow, a lame attempt to deflect by implying he’s jealous instead of concerned since he’s forcing me to talk. And I use the innocent childhood crush he had on me, the one that helped him realize he was bi, to do it.

God, I’m bastard.

Jace’s eyes grow wide for a fraction of a second before they turn to slits. He grabs a dishtowel off the counter and throws it at me. “Because you’re gonna hurt yourself if you’re not focused on what you’re doing, asshole.”

“So, you don’t love me?” I’m being a world class dick, but that feels safer than admitting he’s right, and being distracted on the bike could cost me my career, or worse.

“Brooding jocks aren’t my type.”

“Yes, they are.”

Jace’s nostrils flare, telling me I’m about two seconds from being on the receiving end of a well-deserved punch.

But instead of lunging at me he sinks into an adjacent chair with an audible sigh.

“Yeah, they are. You aren’t though, and I know you know that, so why bring up that shit from when we were kids? ”

“I don’t know.” I smoosh the heel of my palms into my eyes with a heavy groan. “I’ve never been this confused before and it’s freaking me the fuck out.”

“Being attracted to a guy has you freaked out? I thought you were more accepting than that.”

“Fuck you. That’s not it and you know it.” I huck a throw pillow at him, hitting him square in the chest. It makes me smile.

“There you are,” Jace grins back. “So, now that we’ve established you aren’t homophobic, what’d your guy do to get you all messed up?”

“Not sure I can call him mine.” I shake my head.

“Then why the fuck are you so moody?”

“Think I want to.”

Jace’s eyebrows shoot upward. “Wow, okay. I thought you were gonna tell me he’s into some kinky shit you’re uncomfortable with, not that you caught feelings.”

“What gave you the idea he’s into kinky shit?” I wrinkle my nose.

“He wears skirts.”

“He looks hot as fuck in them too. Why do you think I suddenly wanted to play for both teams?”

“Repressed curiosity.”

I grab another pillow and throw it at him, but he swats it away before it hits him and leans forward, resting his arms on his knees. “Okay, so you’re into him? I’m not seeing the problem.”

“He’s tied to that town, and I don’t have a permanent address.”

“Do the long-distance thing. Other guys do.” He lifts a shoulder.

“Yeah, but their girls’ want to be with them. I’m not sure Lennon’s interested in that. His friend Blake pretty much confirmed he’s married to his job. ”

“He just wanted your dick?” Jace baits me.

“Are you sure you aren’t in love with me? You sort of sound like you are.” I don’t tease Jace like this often, since only a few people know about his sexuality, but I’ve got to keep this light or I’m going to freak out.

“Dude, you’re like my brother.” His head sways from side-to-side like he’s annoyed, though I know what he’s really thinking is I could come up with a better retort. “Seriously, you think this was just a fling for him?”

“It was supposed to be just a fling for both of us.” I rub a hand over my face. “We never talked about anything more, hell at first, we didn’t really talk at all, but once we did it was like I’d known him forever. I think he likes me enough, but that doesn’t mean he wants me, you know.”

“You want him, though.”

That right there is what’s got me so fucked up. I went to Katah Vista looking for a place I could maybe call home, but instead I found a person who could wear that label. If he wanted it.

“I know it came out of nowhere, but yeah. I want him. Is that crazy?” I search Jace’s eyes for some sort of hint that I haven’t lost my mind.

“I’d say yes, but… Given how distracted you’ve been these past few days, I think it’d be crazier for you to pretend you don’t.”

Chewing on my lip, I nod absently. “So, what now?”

Wide-eyed, Jace shrugs. “Tell him?”

“How? I don’t even have his number.”

“You know where he lives, though.”

“Uh yeah. In Colorado. That’s four hours away, in the opposite direction of where I need to be for the first event. ”

“Axel, at this rate I’m not even sure you should compete in that event. You’re totally off your game.” Jace stands up and starts pacing, taking a few deep breaths before he stops to face me. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but you’ve gotta go back there.”

I shoot up so I’m sitting, elbows propped on my knees to keep my arms from flailing. “And do what? Ask him to be my boyfriend?”

“If that’s what’ll get your head on straight, yes.”

“How do I even do that?”

“Hell if I know.” He throws his arms out to the side. “I’ve never asked anyone to be my boyfriend. Or girlfriend,” he adds before I can do it for him. “All I know is you won’t get your head straight until you know where his is at. Right?”

“Right.” I close my eyes and let my head fall into my hands, wondering how the hell a simple hook up turned into this.

“And no riding until your head is on straight, so… unless you’re ready to retire you better figure out where the two of you stand. Tomorrow,” he adds when I jump up and start throwing shit in my bag.

“Yeah. Okay.” I pause what I’m doing and look at Jace, really look at him, for the first time since he barged inside. “I’m sorry I’ve been such a douche. I know I should’ve talked to you sooner, I just didn’t know what to say.”

Jace’s shoulders slump as he exhales. “I get it. I want to be pissed at you… I am pissed at you… but only because you acted like a dick, not because you weren’t ready to talk.

I remember what it was like to have more questions than answers.

” He slings an arm around my neck and pulls me to him for a hug, which I return gratefully.

“I’m scared, Jace,” I mumble against his shoulder. “What if this is one-sided? What if he’s not interested? I’m leaving before the shoot is done, potentially jeopardizing my spot on the circuit. And your job. I could be risking everything for nothing.”

“It’d be a bigger risk to keep riding when your head isn’t in it, don't you think?"

"Yeah." My eyes fall shut on a heavy sigh. "I know, I just… I've never been so sure and unsure of something at the same time. I don't want to fuck anything up."

"Go tell him how you feel, and we’ll take it from there.”

"If I do that there's a change our lives are gonna change, big time." My fingers clutch at Jace's shoulders, looking for an anchor I think.

"You say that like change is something we don't deal with on a regular basis." Jace snorts. Figure your shit out and we'll take it from there."

“I love you, brother.” I squeeze him to me.

“I love you, too. Now get in the shower while I make us a couple microwave dinners. I don’t want to smell your rank ass while I’m trying to eat.”

For the first time in days, I move without having to be told twice.

***

I pull into the parking lot and turn off my bike, hoping this wasn’t a bad idea.

We said our goodbye’s nearly a week ago, without making any plans to see each other again. But quitting Lennon cold turkey hasn’t had the desired effect. My mind keeps drifting to what I’d be doing if I was with him. Fucking, obviously, but maybe just hanging out, too.

That day on the bike was one of my favorites in recent memory, and we didn’t get to the sex part until much later. Most of the time we just talked, and not about stupid shit like our favorite movies and music. I told him about my dad for God’s sake, and he told me about his.

While it’s no secret my dad is a deadbeat that chases me for money, only Jace knows the guilt I feel about how my career puts my mom in his crosshairs.

And now Lennon. I don’t share that shit with anyone, and I didn’t consciously plan to share it with him.

It just came out. And he didn’t puke out a bunch of reassuring words that don’t really mean anything or pry for more information, he just listened and moved on.

Stuff like that makes me feel like he gets me. It makes me want to talk to him even more, and not being able to do that while we were in Utah sucked.