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Eliana

“You all set Dad?” Jake checks in with his father, who was brave enough to take on cooking for a house of hungry college hockey players and their families.

Jake takes this moment to grab my hand and lead me upstairs before we get roped into another conversation about game highlights.

He shuts the door of his room gently as I take a seat on his bed, toying with the hemline of my jeans.

Jake takes a deep breath and lets it out as he sits down next to me.

I stare into his beautiful blue eyes for entirely too long before I get the courage to finally speak. “I’m sorry for how I reacted yesterday. And the hurtful things I said. I didn’t mean any of it.”

His expression softens as he takes my shaking hand into his.

“I appreciate that. I know you’ve told me that I can’t take away your stress, and that you don’t expect me to take on your problems. I really just wanted to make your life a little easier.

So you wouldn’t have to work a ton of odd jobs just to help your mom out. ”

“I know. Even when I was upset, I knew your heart was in the right place.”

“I guess I should’ve known better. Money is always a sensitive topic, and I know for you it’s even more so.”

“It is, but honestly I think the reason why I freaked out was even bigger than that. It’s hard to explain, but at that moment I just felt so useless .

Like so much of my identity as a person is being a caretaker for my mom and Josie.

I’ve always been Eliana, the daughter who’s reliable and hard working.

The daughter that will do anything she can, even sacrifice her own wellbeing, to help her family stay afloat.

And when I found out I didn’t have to do that anymore…

The more I thought about what it meant to no longer be a provider for my family, the more I realized I didn’t even know who I was outside of that.

Losing a part of yourself is scary. Realizing you’ve never been able to really be your own self because you were too busy taking care of others… that was terrifying for me.”

Saying the words out loud felt both like a relief and a dirty confession.

I didn’t want to come off as someone who constantly complained about her family and took them for granted.

I loved Josie with all my heart, and for all the moments my mom and I argue, I couldn’t imagine a world without her in it.

But at the same time, I was parentified from an extremely young age.

And much as I wished it hadn’t impacted me, I couldn’t deny that it had.

Jake brings his hand to my cheek, wiping away a stray tear I hadn’t even realized had fallen. “I'm so sorry, Ellie. I never meant to hurt you so much. Never meant to make you feel useless.”

“It’s not your fault. Not in the slightest. I appreciate what you did.

Not only for helping my family but also for making me realize that I base my entire self-worth on how much I mean to others.

And that maybe it’s time for that to change.

Time for me to finally make space for Eliana, and all of my wants and needs. ”

Jake presses a series of small kisses to my temple, before pulling back.

His expression is a mix of understanding and pride.

“The world is better with you in it Eliana. And you won’t last long if you try to take on everyone else’s burdens without making space for yourself to live.

I’m proud of you for finally wanting to focus on yourself and what makes you happy.

And I can’t wait to be by your side, cheering you on as you do. ”

I felt a strange feeling of anxiety mixed with excitement at the thought of finally putting myself first. I had no doubts it would be an uphill battle where I’d have to constantly fight the guilty voice in my head that said I was selfish. But it would be worth it.

A knock on the door startles us. “Jake, Eliana, dinner’s ready!” Both our stomachs grumble in response.

We rush down the stairs to meet the crowd of people lined up in the kitchen, plates in hand, while Jake’s dad serves his homemade pasta and meatballs.

“Ah if it isn’t the man of the hour. That breakaway shot was a thing of beauty.

” Ollie drunkenly slurs, throwing an arm around Jake’s shoulder.

He turns his attention to me. “I guess I should also thank you too. Jake wouldn’t have even been on the ice if you hadn’t helped him get his grades back into shape.

Do they give out awards for being great tutors? Because they should.”

Katherine immediately turns her attention to Jake. Shit. I guess the cat’s out of the bag. “Ollie, I thought Eliana was your tutor.”

Ollie’s too drunk to even notice the tension in the room. “Nope. I took it years ago. Still not sure why this guy decided to take PSYCH101 now, but if he hadn’t, he never would’ve met Eliana so I guess it was all worth it in the end.”

“Jake, why didn't you tell me you were struggling?” The hurt in Katherine’s voice feels like a punch to the gut. I feel Jake stiffen next to me, no doubt feeling even worse than I did.

“Katherine, maybe we should discuss this later.” Jake’s dad sends me a sheepish smile, as I take in the audience that’s watching us. Katherine gives him a small nod before heading into the living room, clearly upset.

“Looks like I’m having two difficult conversations tonight.” Jake groans into my neck.

“We’ll weather the storms together.”

The tension in his shoulders drops. “That’s all I needed to hear to know everything will be okay.”