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Eliana

J ake Keeley was a cuddler. The kind that wrapped their limbs around you like a koala bear to a branch and clung on all night.

His weight on me gave the same effect as my weighted blanket, and it was the best sleep I’d had in a long time.

Currently he was using my chest as a pillow while I played with his hair.

In the middle of the night he brought us some water and snacks—namely salt and vinegar chips— before he crawled back into bed and buried his head into my neck.

He pressed soft kisses along the curve of my throat until he fell back asleep.

The whole thing felt so intimate I thought I’d freak out at some point but instead it all felt so…

normal. Like we had been doing this all along.

At some point I would freak out like I normally do when I realize I’ve taken on a task I have no idea how to accomplish.

But freaking out would be a waste of time—time I really wasn’t going to have now that I had a…

boyfriend?— so I planned to do what I did best: prepare.

A common misconception about psychology majors is that we knew everything about human behavior, but the reality was we found our niche and stuck to it.

Mi ne was babies, not adult human relationships.

Tonight, I would research articles on communication and long-term relationships, and maybe even listen to a podcast or two from Jane and Mark Ellis, my favorite podcasters, researchers, and husband and wife.

They frequently discuss the hurdles faced in modern dating on college campuses on their podcast, The Dating Method, and now that I had a relationship to nurture, I needed them more than ever.

Normally I would prepare before I actually started something, but Jake and I were officially, well, official.

Lots of googling would be needed because what the hell did I know about being in a serious relationship?

Especially given my only past relationship experience was incredibly toxic and I didn’t really have good models to reference either.

But this was Jake. Someone who went from being one of the biggest annoyances in my life to one of my closest friends— and now boyfriend— in the span of a couple of months.

And I would do my best to be a good partner for him.

I’ve never opened up to someone so quickly. But here I was in his bed, after three months of knowing him, post shower hook-up, thinking about how to make him happy. He practically forced himself on me, this soft, caring, and protective man who was hiding behind deep blue eyes and a cocky smile.

I press a small kiss to the crown of Jake’s head and try to slide myself out from under him. Every small movement I make results in him tightening his arms around me like a boa constrictor. “So clingy,” I hum with approval, leaning my chin on his head.

“I don’t remember hearing any complaints last night.” Jake yawns, his voice deep and scratchy from having just woken up.

“Admittedly I was a big fan earlier, but now I have to pee and there’s a 6’3?—”

“6’4,” he corrects .

“Hockey player on top of me who refuses to let me go.”

“How dare he. Who is this guy? Tell me his name and I’ll go talk to him.”

I roll my eyes and gently push him off, freshening myself up in the bathroom before returning to bed.

“I could get used to this.” Jake smiles, cupping my face in his hand and kissing my forehead before wrapping his arms around me again.

“So could I.” I let out a content sigh. “But I do have to go soon.”

His arms tighten around me. “Mmm I don’t think so.”

“Jake.”

“Ellie.”

“I need you to let me go.”

“No can do.” He shakes his head, burrowing his head in my neck.

“But I have work to do.”

“You can just do it here.”

“I could, but I need my laptop and books…”

“Well why don’t I drive you over to your apartment, grab everything you need, and then I’ll bring us back?” He yawns, making no move to get out of bed.

“Wow. Who would’ve thought you’d be so clingy,” I tease.

He clicks his tongue. “I am not clingy.”

“You using me as a pillow last night isn't really helping your case, Keeley.”

“I wouldn’t call that clingy. I just wanted to be closer to you. I like being close to you.” His eyes lock with mine, filled with such vulnerability and adoration I would’ve melted to the floor if not for the fact that I was already lying in bed.

“Hmm…I suppose it doesn’t matter where I work as long as I get it done,” I concede. “Head out in 20?”

“That’s more than enough time.” A wild smile forms on his face as he brings our lips together and I lose myself underneath him.

“I’m going to share my Google calendar with you,” I announce on the drive over to my apartment. “I basically live and die by the Gcal so you’ll know which weeks are particularly rough for me.”

“Sounds good. Do I also get editing privileges?” Jake asks. I freeze in response. “Yup that checks.” He laughs.

“It’s just, if something gets accidentally shifted or deleted it could throw off my whole day, really my whole week.” The thought puts me on edge, and my leg starts to bounce. “I promise I trust you, I just get a lot of anxiety when I feel like I’m losing control, which is why?—”

“Hey, it’s okay I was just joking around.” He reaches over and gives my hand a squeeze. “Didn’t mean to rile you up.”

“Sorry. My anxiety decided to act up for a moment there.”

“Nothing you need to apologize for,” he reassures me.

“Maybe it is something we should talk about, since experiencing anxiety is unavoidable, especially for me. I honestly can’t remember a period of time when I wasn’t constantly swimming in worries and thinking of thousands of ‘what if’ scenarios in my head.

Once I got to college and was put on student insurance, I was finally able to get a therapist. She’s been great in helping me realize how my attempts at controlling my anxiety are not very effective.

We’re working on thinking more flexibly now, but I still slip back into my old ways of trying too hard to control things.

I used to think that because I was so anxious I couldn’t do anything I really enjoyed, which I realize isn’t true.

The therapy and medication have helped a lot, but it was definitely a journey getting here.

When I was younger, it would mainly manifest in physical symptoms like stomachaches.

My pediatrician gave me some meds for nausea but when that didn’t help either, my mom just thought I’d get over it eventually. ”

Jake draws his eyebrows together. “What do you mean?”

“It’s a bit complicated. I can’t fully blame her because Middle Eastern culture has a stigma surrounding mental health.

She definitely experienced depression when my dad left us, but she would never admit it.

It’s too taboo. When I was younger, it bothered me that she thought I would just outgrow my anxiety, as if that’s how it works.

I can’t say that I’m not still upset with her when she makes insensitive comments, but being in my field has taught me that the stigma for mental health was prevalent not just in my culture, but lots of other cultures.

It’s definitely getting better, but we still have work to do.

And the older I got the more I forgave my mom, seeing that there was only so much she could have done for me.

” I shrug. “It did take me a while to address my own internalized stigma, though, and finally reach out for help. Nicole helped a lot with that.”

“I’m really happy that she was there for you.”

“Yeah, so am I.”

“Anything else I should know, or do, that could be helpful?” Jake pulls up to the curb outside of my place.

“Just be patient with me. Even on my good days I still have my moments. Anxiety never goes away, and to some extent, that’s a good thing.

Normal levels of anxiety are evolutionarily adaptive, which is why everyone experiences it at some point in their life.

It’s just at the heightened levels where I feel consumed by it, like you saw that one night, when I lose control of my coping strategies.

You being there helped. And doing things I enjoy.

Anxious feelings can exist, and I can still engage in behaviors that make me feel fulfilled.

Or at least that’s what my therapist keeps telling me. ”

Jake smiles and then hesitates.

“What is it?” I ask.

“Well it’s just that you mentioned doing things you enjoy, and in the entire time I’ve known you all you’ve done is work.”

I freeze. I couldn’t exactly deny that, but the truth is, “Well I really enjoy my work. Especially research. It makes me happy.”

“Sure. I totally get that. It’s how I feel about hockey. But research and hockey are also careers for us. We can enjoy them, but they’re more than just hobbies or things we do to decompress. You don’t really do things that are just for you.” His tone is very matter-of-fact.

“Guilty as charged.” I attempt to joke, but it doesn’t really land.

“Maybe I can help you brainstorm things to do for fun. Any thoughts on video games?”

“Um I’m really bad at Mario Kart, and that’s the only game I’ve played so…”

“Got it, okay. Are you into crafting? Charlotte really likes knitting. I call her a grandma all the time, but she has made me some pretty nice beanies.”

“Mm I tried it once and made a sweater with no arm holes.”

“Alright well let’s scrap that idea then. Let me think…”

“I have always wanted to write a murder mystery novel. I actually wrote a few chapters like two years ago and I think about adding more at least once a week. Just never have the time.” I shrug.

“Well maybe you should make the time. I would love to read what your twisted little mind comes up with.” He winks.

“Maybe I will.” I smile as Jake pulls up to my apartment and follows me inside, where we run into Nicole .

“Wow so you are alive? I was about to call campus police and report you missing.” She raises an eyebrow at my outfit (Jake’s sweater, as my dress still needed to be washed).

“Hey, I promised I’d get her back home safe.” Jake gasps in mock offense.

“Which is why I was also going to report you as the prime suspect,” Nicole deadpans.

“Just when I thought we were becoming close, you lose faith in me again.”

“In my defense, you set the bar in literal Hell. You can’t be surprised by how much more work you have to put in before being in my good graces.”

“Well you should know I never back down from a challenge,” Jake warns. “Especially when it comes to ensuring my girl’s best friend likes me.”

Nicole shoots me a look that screams, “Is this guy for real?”, followed by a small smile when Jake isn’t looking.

To an outsider, it would appear like my best friend hated my boyfriend, but I knew better.

Phase 1 of Nicole starting to warm up to a person and enjoy their company always included her giving them a ton of shit.

Like an unofficial hazing or testing of limits and buttons she could push.

Jake’s ability to let whatever’s thrown at him roll off his shoulders was definitely winning him some points in her book.

“We’ll be out of your hair soon. I’m just grabbing a few things and then heading back to Jake’s,” I announced nonchalantly, knowing a barrage of questions was about to follow.

As I head into my room. I hear the door shut and turn around to see Nicole with her arms crossed. “You really didn’t think you’d be able to just walk away from me without giving some answers, did you?”

“I had hoped you’d be a bit distracted with… whoever is he re.” I reference to the heels and fancy coat strewn across our living room that don’t belong to me or Nicole.

“Oh, don’t you worry. I always have time for my best friend. Especially when I catch her in the middle of a walk of shame.”

“I wouldn’t call it a walk of shame,” I protest.

“AND she announces that she’s now dating Jake Keeley. The same guy she’s been “tutoring” and a few months ago wanted to push in front of a Green Line train?—”

“That’s not true! First-degree murder comes with a 25-year sentence, and I wouldn’t last a day in prison,” I protest, schooling the smile on my face as I watch Nicole’s fill with irritation.

“Alright fine. I admit things may have come together a bit unexpectedly but…it just felt right. Like something clicked into place, and I knew I wanted us to be more.”

Nicole’s apprehension fades. “He did win major points taking care of you when you were sick.”

“So you approve?” There were very few people’s opinions I cared about, and Nicole’s was one of them. While my people-pleasing tendencies had a history of misleading me, Nicole was always there to steer me straight when someone was taking advantage of me.

“I do. I can tell he really cares about you and wants you to be happy. That’s all that matters to me.” She gives my shoulder a squeeze. “I did have a feeling you two would get together ever since you told me Jake bought you groceries.”

“Right?! Who could resist that?”

Returning back to the living room, night bag in tow, I see Jake scrolling through my calendar on his phone. “Ellie has two participant visits next Friday, and I have a game on Saturday. Maybe the three of us could do something on Sunday?”

“Have you had Dim Sum before? I know the perfect spot in Chinatown. We could aim for 11?” Nicole offers.

“That works great. Do you want me to drive?”

Nicole shakes her head. “Probably best to take the T. Parking is going to be a nightmare.”

“Works for me.”

“Great. See Ellie, I told you I would use my shared access to your calendar for good.” Jake winks at me, Nicole snorts, and I roll my eyes. I could get used to this.