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Eliana

M y trip with Jake allowed me to reset from the chaos of the past semester.

The entire trip felt straight out of a Hallmark holiday movie – magical, heartwarming, and filled with feel-good moments, including roasting s'mores by the campfire and laughing about our favorite Christmas memories.

It also made me realize that it was okay for me do things for myself now instead of putting them off.

Granted that was much easier said than done.

Which is why when we made it back home I planned on adding some reoccurring self-care and book-writing events in my calendar.

Nothing held me more accountable than my gcal.

My mom was waiting for us when we got back, eyes tired. She still greeted us at the door with a smile on her face.

“C’mon in. Jake it’s so good to finally meet you.” She places a kiss on each cheek, a traditional way that moms greet visitors in our culture, which I totally forgot to warn him about.

To Jake’s credit, he just rolls with it, adding a hug at the end. “Ms. Jasper, it's really nice to finally meet you. I’ve heard so much about you.”

“Likewise. I really appreciate you taking care of my girls, and for extending an invitation to me. I wish I could’ve been there, but I got caught up with work.

Please take a seat, I know you had a long drive.

Let me get you some tea. Eliana can you help me in the kitchen?

” She turns her back to me before I can respond.

Josie and Jake get settled as I walk down the hall. By the time I make it to the kitchen, my mom is already spooning black tea into the pot, filling it with water, and placing it on the stove. She finally turns around and gives me a smile, though it doesn’t meet her eyes.

Uh oh. I doubt this was going to end well.

“ So did you have a good time? ” she asks in Farsi. Because she didn’t want Jake to be able to listen in? Or was I reading into things too much?

Regardless, I respond in her native tongue. “It was great. His family really took care of us.”

“That’s great, honey. I’m glad you got to relax.” She purses her lips like she’s holding back, but she doesn’t say more, so I continue giving her a recap.

“I even ran into one of my favorite authors and got to spend some time with her, while writing my book. I’m hoping to keep working on it now that I’m back.”

“ Wow. How cool. Just be sure not to neglect your responsibilities. The book is a fun hobby, but you need to focus on your schoolwork and building a stable career for yourself ,” she cautions.

Ouch. Not quite the words of support I was looking for. “ Don’t worry. I promise I still have my priorities straight. ”

“ Good. That’s all that matters .” She nods.

Okay, what gives? My mom was never one to stop at a few-word responses. “ Why does it feel like you’re holding back? What are you not saying? ”

She worries her bottom lip between her teeth before she starts.

“ I just want to make sure you keep your head on straight. When I first met your dad, I was enamored by him. His looks, his charm, his finances. I was easily wowed by all the expensive gifts and jewelry he would get me. But over time, that charm faded, and by the time I realized I had given up some of my best years for a man who never truly loved me…it was too late. I missed out on going to college and building my career. I gained you and Josie, which are the biggest accomplishments of my life, but I lost myself. And I don’t want the same thing to happen to you . ”

“ Jake is nothing like Dad. He loves that I have my own dreams and aspirations. He’s one of my biggest cheerleaders. You don’t have to worry about him. Or me losing myself in him. I promise.”

“ I’m always going to be worried about you.

You’re my child. A mother’s fear about all the awful things that can happen to her children never goes away.

I know you might think I’m being dramatic, but I just wanted to be honest with you.

Treat me like a cautionary tale on what not to do in a relationship . ”

I appreciate where she’s coming from, but our circumstances were entirely different.

The only similarity between my dad and Jake is that they both came from wealthy families.

There aren’t a ton of things my mom and I have in common, but one thing we did share was how touchy we became when discussions about money were involved.

I couldn’t blame her for being a bit sensitive about Jake coming from a different financial situation than us.

Being around money was also something that made me uncomfy.

“ Once you get to know Jake, you’ll see what I see Mom .”

“ I look forward to it .” She places her hand on my cheek and strokes it.

“You make me so proud you know. Being the first woman in our family to go to college. Doing your fancy and complicated research that I can never understand. My smart girl. You are proof that I was able to do something right in the world. Do something good.”

A high-pitched noise from the tea pot draws my mom’s attention. Turning off the stove, she pours the boiling tea into traditional glasses and sets them on a tray. “ Can you grab the Nabat please?” She references the saffron rock candy commonly served with tea. “ I’ll see you out there .”

Her serious tone shifts to cheery, and I really see her inability to let strangers see how much she was hurting.

I have no doubt our Middle Eastern culture, and the emphasis on keeping our emotions to ourselves, was the largest contributing factor to this personality trait which only made it harder to shake.

Fighting against all you know, even when it hurts you, is never an easy feat.

“ Sure.” I nod, taking my time as I sift through the shelves. Unlike my mother, I needed some extra time to stitch myself back together. By the time I finally enter the living room, everyone has finished their drinks with my tea, now room temperature, being the only one left on the tray.

Unsurprisingly, Jake and my mom seem to be hitting it off exceptionally well. I can’t remember the last time I heard a genuine laugh come from my mom’s mouth.

Josie shoots me a reassuring smile and thumbs up that he’s managed to win our mom over.

The news releases some of the tension from my shoulders.

Long car rides always did a number on me, and having an emotional conversation with my mom didn’t make things any easier.

Jake must have noticed the tiredness in my eyes because a few minutes after I sat down, he came up with an excuse for why we had to head back to campus.

He gets a big hug from Josie and a kiss on both cheeks from my mom as we walk out the door and get in his car.

“Your mom seems amazing. It was really great getting to meet her.” He grabs my hand and brings it to his lips .

“Seems like you’ve managed to win over all three Jasper women.” I smile. Or at least two and a half. My mom would get fully on board eventually.

“You excited to get back home and start writing about burying bodies or whatever it is you’re planning for the plot twist?”

His excitement makes my heart skip, and I try to shut out my mom’s voice, reminding me not to lose focus. “Yeah it’ll be fun. Though I think I’m too tired to write tonight. Maybe tomorrow.”

He looks at me from the side of his eye. “That makes sense. Well, I can’t wait to get my hands on your first full draft. I know it’s going to be great.”

“Soon. You’ll get it soon.” I wanted to believe the words that came from my mouth, but the conversation I had with my mom played in my head over and over again.

I couldn’t lose sight of what was really important, not just for me but for my family.

I give Jake a small smile and lay my head on his shoulder as he drives us through winding roads and pine trees covered in snow, until my heavy eyes shut and I fall asleep.