Page 26

My attempts at putting distance between us are moot as he takes a seat on the floor beneath me, arm resting on my leg, and shows me his phone screen.

It takes me a minute to process what I’m looking at when I see the words “exam”, “Jake Keeley”, and ”B+” on his course portal.

I feel the grin take over my whole face.

“Holy shit. This is amazing. You did it!” When I look up from his phone, his matching smile makes the butterflies in my stomach take flight.

“ We did it,” he corrects, giving my knee a small squeeze. His hand lingers, giving me another addictive hit.

“I didn’t really do mu—” I’m cut off by the tightening of my throat as I break out into a massive coughing fit, one that feels like I’m choking.

Jake’s quick to grab me a bottle of water which I immediately chug, though it does little to really soothe me.

I try to thank him, but the coughing just worsens, so I just continue to drink until eventually I can breathe…

sort of. “Sorry about that. Must be the expired energy drink.”

Jake gives me an amused look, then shakes his head. “No need to apologize for being sick.”

“I’m not sick,” I protest like a petulant child. Jake raises an eyebrow. “I’m serious. I just drank a Red Bull that expired like 2 years ago and?—"

“That explains the stuffy nose? And the fever?—”

“I do not have a fever.”

“Eliana. You’ve been complaining about how blistering hot it's been in your apartment. I just peaked at the thermostat, and it says 75.”

“No it doesn’t.”

“It’s okay to be sick, you know. Doesn’t mean you're weak or anything.”

“I know that.” In theory. “Just like I know I’m fine.

In fact, I’m so fine, I’m going to help Maya run a participant tonight.

I should actually start getting ready now or I’ll be late.

” I stand up a bit too fast, and immediately lose my footing, tripping over Jake before unceremoniously tumbling towards the floor.

He breaks most of my fall, but the fact that I couldn’t even stand without issue was not helping my case.

“Eliana, you need to call out sick.”

“Nope, not happening. I already had to bail on my lab shift earlier. I can't let Violet down either. It’s the first time she’s had a break in a while.”

“You wouldn’t be letting anyone down. You’re not feeling well.”

“I would be letting Violet down because I’m dependable. That’s what I’m known for. You know how you get people to rely on you? By always being there for them.” I don’t know why I felt the need to lecture him about this. He knew exactly what it meant to have people rely on you.

Jake shifted strategies, realizing there was no way I’d listen to logic. “Either you call out sick now, or I’ll email Violet and tell her how you’re deathly ill and still working. I’m feeling a little spicy and may even call my coach to make sure Violet gets the message.”

What he was doing was sweet. Jake was looking out for me, knowing I wouldn’t do it for myself. Unfortunately, my tendency to define my self-worth by how much work I crammed into a day caused me to snap at this nice man rather than respond with gratitude. “You are the bane of my existence.”

“Noted. But I doubt any parent would want someone coughing and sneezing all over their child. So if that makes you feel any better, you’re really doing them a service by not showing up.”

He was completely right. Why was I so upset at the idea that I was a human and humans got sick? I curse my mortal shell.

“Make the call Eliana. I’m serious,” he warns before typing on his phone.

I step into my room, dialing Violet. She sounded understanding but I still couldn’t stop the barrage of self-deprecating thoughts from flooding into my head.

Great job Eliana. Now Violet’s entire night is ruined.

All Violet has ever done is support you and the one time she asks for help, you let her down.

She’s not the first person you’ve disappointed today, either.

What were you thinking, showing up sick to the lab?

What if you spread whatever’s wrong with you to everyone else?

The whole lab is going to have to shut down because you’ve been so careless.

And with the lab shut down, we can say goodbye to continuing to make progress on all the studies going on.

Breathe. Just breathe. Anxious thoughts are not accurate thoughts.

Catastrophizing and trying to think of all the worst-case scenarios isn’t helping anyone.

You’re okay, Violet’s okay, the lab is okay.

Everything will be okay . Except in moments when I got stuck in my thought spiral like this, nothing felt okay.

My lungs felt useless, my heart felt like it was going to burst out of my chest, and my stomach churned.

I sank to my feet and put my head between my knees.

I attempt to take deep breaths or think of happier moments, but I swear the world is caving in around me.

Before I know it, my body’s shaking while my mind spirals over every mistake I made this week.

“Hey, I ordered some soup for— Oh shit! Are you okay?” Jake kneels in front of me, and I can feel his eyes trying to inspect my face.

“I just need a minute,” I whisper through my tightening jaw.

He shifts so he’s sitting beside me, and places a hand on my shoulder, using his thumb to rub soothing circles.

After a few minutes of silence, I drop my head to my knees. My body feels so heavy after several minutes of holding my muscles string tight. “Do you ever feel like the whole weight of the world is sitting on your chest, crushing you?” I whisper.

“Sometimes, before a big game or tournament. Do you feel that way often?”

“Somedays I feel it less than others. The days where I’m able to juggle a dozen different things at once.

The days where I meet all my deadlines and check everything off on my to-do list. Go to class, go to lab, tutoring, nanny on the weekends, checking in on my mom, calling Josie every night to check in and help her with her homework, finish my own homework… the list goes on.”

“That’s a pretty extensive list, Eliana.”

I hear this a lot. And there is nothing that can be done about it, so I stay quiet. “Have you ever thought of cutting back?” No judgment in Jake’s words, just a question.

“I don’t know what I would cut out. I can’t stop work because I need to pay my bills and help my family. And I won’t give up on research because that’s the only thing that’s just mine.”

Jake is silent, so I risk looking up. He’s got a sad smile on his face, I his eyes filled with understanding. “Research is the only thing that feels like it's yours. And losing it would feel like losing a piece of yourself,” he summarizes.

He’s so on the nose it stuns me. “Exactly.”

He contemplates for a few minutes. “I wish there was something I could do to help, lessen the pressure you’re under.”

“This helps. Being here. Listening to me. That helps a lot. Except maybe you should put some distance between us. Don’t need you getting sick too.” I give him a sheepish smile.

“At this rate, we’ve been together long enough that whatever you have has already been passed on to me. We can just cross our fingers and hope my immune system is stronger than yours,” he teases. “Do you think you’d be up for some dinner?”

“I’m not really hungry.”

“Let’s try and get some chicken noodle soup in you. Then a cold compress to get that fever down. And sleep, lots of sleep.” He lifts me up, an arm wrapped around my waist for support as he guides me to the kitchen .

“You know, if hockey doesn’t work out, nursing might be a solid backup.”

“As long as you let me take care of you Eliana. I’ll be whatever you want me to be.”

Surely that’s my fever talking.