Page 23

Eliana

T here was a seventy percent chance I was currently dreaming about Jake spontaneously coming over to cook me dinner while I finished this paper.

I probably fell asleep hungry and any moment now, I would wake up.

Except the scent of tomato sauce and garlic filling my room was too real to be a dream.

Also not a dream, Jake Keeley had discovered one of my biggest insecurities — my tendency to overwork myself because it makes me uncomfortable to ask for help.

Over the years I realized two things. The first was people would never leave you if you had something to offer them.

My dad left me and my mom because in his eyes all she did was take, and I was just a kid so I couldn’t give much.

The second thing I learned was that the only person I could truly rely on was myself.

With these two truths I had lived my life for others and never asked, or expected, much in return.

I had learned to do everything on my own.

Learned that even though I wanted someone to care for me, I didn’t necessarily need someone to take care of me.

And that was okay…But some days, when I could feel every single bit of the weight of all I had to carry on my shoulders, I couldn’t help but wonder what it would feel like if someone could burden some of that weight with me.

Jake cooking me dinner on a night when I was going to spoon some ramen and ice cream into my mouth and call it a meal meant more than I could put into words. And I tried not to feel embarrassed about the fact that something so small had such a big impact on me.

“Hey.” I look over to see Jake casually leaning against my door frame, a towel thrown over his shoulder. “Dinner should be ready in five. I’m gonna set the table while you wrap up.”

Finishing this paper in five minutes was easy, given that I had a home-cooked meal waiting for me and a hockey player who had made it his mission to ensure I wasn’t burning myself out as motivation. It felt nice to be cared for.

My mouth waters as I take a seat across from him and lay eyes on the vodka sauce pasta, steaming on top of our plates. “Ya’ know Keeley, if this is how you treat your fake girlfriends, I can’t even imagine the stops you pull out for your real ones.”

“You’ll have to keep imagining, given I’ve never really had one.”

“You’ve never had a girlfriend? How is that even possible?”

“This coming from the girl who snuck in the back entrance of the psychology building just so she wouldn’t have to see me?”

“That was under different circumstances. Don’t try to change the conversation.”

“Why do you care so much?” Jake smiles, though it doesn’t quite meet his eyes.

“I just find it surprising given your well-known history… ”

“My well-known history….on the hockey team?” He raises an eyebrow.

“Don’t be smart. You know what I’m talking about.”

“Maybe, but I’d like to hear you say it.”

“You’re insufferable.”

“You say the kindest things to me.”

“I’m also starting to believe you have a degradation kink.”

“Oh, so we’re sharing kinks now?”

“Only my real boyfriends get to know my kinks. Sorry to disappoint.”

He rolls his eyes before finally answering my question. “I never really felt like turning any of my hook-ups into something serious. Hockey takes up all my free time and the girls I’ve been with know the deal. If they’re looking for a relationship, they won’t get it with me.”

“Fair enough.” Sub out focusing on hockey with focusing on research, and he basically summed up the reason why I haven’t had a serious relationship in…a while.

“And what about you? Any ex-boyfriends I need to track down and give a talking to?”

“Adding protective to the list of fake-boyfriend traits now, are we? You really commit to a bit.”

“The more you deflect the more I plan on annoying you about this. And for the record if someone did hurt you, you can tell me. I’d make sure they’d never do it again.” His tone is lighthearted but there’s a sincerity in his eyes that makes me think he would follow through on his words.

“My answers are not that different from yours. I’ve been so focused on my research and doing what I can to help my family out, that I feel like I don’t have much time for anything else. With how busy I am, I’m scared I’d be a bad partner, so I just keep to myself instead...”

My eyebrows draw together as I reveal another one of my insecurities.

Many people have commented on my lack of work-life boundaries.

The biggest hurdle I have yet to overcome is acknowledging that I can love my research, nannying, and tutoring while also making time for myself.

Helping people genuinely did give me joy, but everyone has their limits.

And I have a bad habit of pushing mine too far.

Jake reaches across the table and squeezes my hand, “Well if you treat your real boyfriend as good as you treat me. There’s no chance you’d be a bad partner, Ellie.”

“I could be a good partner…one day. Once I figure out how to take better care of myself. I don’t want to be overly reliant on my partner. Or have them enable my bad habits.”

“I think it’s possible to work on that, while in a relationship.

My mom will be the first to admit she was really bad at giving attention to anything that wasn’t research until my dad came along.

And even then, I know the start of their relationship had some rockier moments.

I think you just need someone who understands how important your work is to you and respects the fact that an academic career is really time-consuming. ”

My heart clenches. “Your dad sounds great.”

“He is. Honestly everyone in my family is. They’ve always been supportive of my hockey career, and never once pushed me to do something else.

But I still can’t shake the feeling that I’m the black sheep of the family.

I took this psych class with the hopes I’d finally be able to understand what my mom and sisters have dedicated their lives to and instead…

” He shakes his head. “Let’s just hope I didn’t bomb the exam. ”

“You didn’t. I know you didn’t.” I give him a reassuring smile and we spend the rest of dinner in a comfortable silence and I sigh in contentment as I take bite after bite of pasta. “This might be the best pasta I’ve ever had. Thanks for taking the time to make this.”

He gives me a soft smile. “I’m glad you liked it. ”

I finish my plate and find Jake staring at me. “What is it?”

“You just have a little…” He gestures to my face, before cupping my face in his hand and using his thumb to wipe what I’m assuming is some leftover sauce from my chin.

His hand lingers in my face and he leans closer, our faces only a few inches apart.

“You know, if you connect these freckles right here, it’d look like a heart. ”

I feel my cheeks start to heat up and suddenly all I want to do is close the distance between us and learn what it feels like to have his lips pressed against mine.

The feeling of his large hands dipping under my shirt while my own hands explored his body.

Bad idea. Get those thoughts out of your head right now Eliana.

Listening to the voice in my head, I pull back and try to ignore the fact that my heart is racing at what feels like a hundred miles an hour.

“Sorry about that.” Jake stares at his hand and clenches it a few times, as if touching me had burned his palm. “Do you want some help cleaning up?” He’s standing up and washing dishes in the sink before I can respond.

“Let me help you. You did all the cooking, so it’s only fair I help with dishes.” My eyes take in all the muscles of his back that I can see through his athletic shirt.

“Sounds good. So you’ve heard a bit about the Keeley household. What’s your family like?” Jake leans against the cabinet next to the sink as I clean.

“My dad’s out of the picture, he left me, my mom, and my little sister Josie when she was just a baby?—”

Jake’s jaw clenches as I give him a quick recap of my childhood.

I give him a small smile, “My dad’s definitely a dick, but I honestly don’t think of him much anymore.

Josie and I are 11 years apart, so our dynamic is less like siblings and more like I’m her second mom.

She’s so witty and outspoken, and I love her so much.

Moving away from her for college was really difficult.

” My heart squeezes thinking of how hard we both cried when she and my mom dropped me off at my dorm freshman year.

“She sounds amazing.” Jake smiles tucking a loose strand of my hair behind my ear so it doesn’t get wet. His warm touch grounding me in the moment.

“She is. So is my mom although our relationship is also complicated.” I rinse off the final dish, setting it on the drying rack before looking back up at Jake who looks eager for me to continue.

“Once my dad left, she had to step in and become the provider. Which meant I was often left alone to parent Josie. There were moments growing up where I resented my mom for that. Not because I didn’t love Josie, but because I would watch my friends get to just be kids and I was jealous.

But at the same time I saw how much she sacrificed for us.

How much she had to give up when she immigrated to the states.

So even now, I feel like I must support them. We’re all each other has.”

Before I can fully process what’s happening, Jake’s wrapping his arms around my waist and pulling me into his embrace. To my surprise, I don’t resist the hug. Instead, I just rest my head on his chest, and let out a long sigh. “Sorry I feel like I’m constantly being a downer.”

“No. You’re not. I appreciate you sharing this with me. You have an incredible heart, and I just wish you gave yourself the same level of kindness you give others.” Jake rests his cheek on top of my head as he holds me close.

“Well, you have inspired me to take some baby steps when it comes to self-care. I started a new murder mystery series by one of my favorite author’s the other night. I’m about halfway through and I think I know who’s responsible for shoving the mayor into a woodchipper.”

Jake snorts, “Remind me to never get on your bad side. ”

“Eh you can annoy me sometimes, but never to the point where I contemplate murder.” I tease, lifting my head so I can wink at him.

“Glad to hear it. Though I have a feeling my next question may test the limits of your patience.” He smirks.

“Oh? Now I’m incredibly curious.”

“How long have you had those One Direction pajamas?”

My eyes drop down to my legs. Shit. I had totally forgotten I was wearing them. My mouth hangs wide open as his smirk turns into a shit eating grin “I-um. A while.”

Dammit my face is hot. I try to break from the hug, but he holds me in place. Though if I was being honest with myself, I probably could escape if I wanted to…

“Don’t be embarrassed. I think it’s really cute. Any chance your favorite member is Zayn?” His eyes are filled with mischief.

My eyes narrow, “Yes it is. Was that a lucky guess or should I assume foul play?”

“Didn’t realize checking my girlfriend’s social media to see what she’s interested in was illegal.”

“ Fake girlfriend.” I protest, ignoring how my heart twinges when I correct him. “And my last One Direction related post has to be a few years old at this rate.”

“Yeah well you don’t really post often so it didn’t take much snooping.” He counters.

“Ya know, usually when you internet stalk someone, you don’t admit it. You just drop nuggets here and there so it can feel like coincidence. Or fate.”

“I feel like you’d appreciate an honest and direct approach more.”

He was right. There’s something about Jake’s bluntness that I find incredibly attractive .

Jake’s expression turns sheepish. “One more question. Any chance you’re free this Saturday to join our family night? The longer I delay introducing you to my sisters, the more rabid they’ll become. I’m running out of excuses as to why we can’t hang out with them.”

“I thought we agreed you’d tell them the truth soon?” I worry my lip between my teeth.

“Riiight about that…”

“Jake.” I protest.

“I promise I’ll tell them before the summer. I just want to get the final confirmation that I didn’t bomb the midterm. Can we just keep pretending until then?”

“I don’t know. I get it’s a hard conversation to have, but I’m already nervous about how this fake relationship is going to be perceived once people learn I’m going to be working with your mom. Getting close to your family is definitely not going to help that perception.”

“Don’t researchers go out to happy hour all the time with each other? To discuss future collaborations?”

“Sure, but game night is different…”

“No one from school is going to see us there. And you can just default to talking to my family about research, so no personal boundaries are crossed.”

I guess that could work. Maybe. I stay silent.

“Just think about it, okay? I promise it won’t be anywhere near as bad as you’re making it in your head.”

“I’m not saying yes. But I do feel the need to state that I’m extremely competitive. Like it can be a little ugly to watch.“

“It sounds like you’d fit right in with my family.”

How does he always know the right thing to sa y?

Though I loved my family, I can’t say I ever felt truly understood by my mom.

Over the years, I’ve learned to accept the fact that I always felt like I was a stray puzzle piece that got thrown in the wrong box.

I’d always hoped I’d finally find my place, and would feel like I not only belonged but I also helped complete the set.

That I was someone’s missing puzzle piece.

“I’ll think about it and get back to you. "