Page 61 of Only You

Detroit

It was all snow and shouting. And blood; that was never missing.

In the midst of it, Selene felt the weight of weary eyes on her back. She tried to run, but her legs didn’t move. Still, she kept trying; something kept pushing her towards the body on the ground. It was a blur, but there was something gruesome about its stillness. She reached out—

She gasped out of her sleep, struggling to catch her breath and trying to ignore the tears that wet her cheeks.

Slowly, she sat up, the sweat from her nightmare sitting uncomfortably on top of her skin.

Looking over, she saw Jack, still asleep.

There was a small wrinkle in his forehead, but she didn’t bother to smooth it out.

Instead, she slid out of the bed and headed to the kitchen, parched.

She gulped down two glasses, gripping the edge of the kitchen sink, but the unease remained.

For the fourth time that week, she reached into her purse and pulled out a rumpled cigarette pack.

She grabbed a pack of matches and went over to the living room window, the only view of the brick apartment building next door.

Delicately, she slid the cigarette between her lips and lit it, holding the smoke in her lungs as long as she could until she was forced to let it go.

It had been three weeks.

Regardless of all her knowledge of people and the human body, she couldn’t wrap her head around it.

He had stood right in front of her, stronger than ever.

He was moving on, becoming who he was supposed to be.

Her visit was supposed to make everything better.

She was going to tell him of her plans to leave Jack, whether he wanted her or not.

She was going to be brave for once. One hit from an angry gambler shattered that and she became a coward once more.

She managed to go the rest of the night without shedding any tears, pretending the news of Demir’s death was new when Nora called the next morning to tell her what happened after she had left the scene.

She wished she could say she collapsed in Jack’s arms as an act when she told him, but it felt like her heart was being ripped out every time she said it.

The man had been stone-faced about the news, only growing colder when he saw how devastated she was.

She sighed and stamped out the cigarette angrily in a nearby ash tray.

From the outside looking in, her heartbreak didn’t make sense.

She could barely understand the magnitude of it all herself, especially as the world kept spinning, pushing her to move on.

Selene rested her head against the window, the helplessness and grief exhausting her.

Three weeks down; only the rest of her life to go.

‘Sorry it took so long for me to get over here,’ Selene told Mackie as she entered his club.

He kissed her cheek. ‘Understandable. You’re a busy woman. I hear you’re graduating soon,’ he said with a proud grin.

She forced herself to smirk, ignoring the hollow feeling in her chest as she realised it was yet another event Demir would miss. ‘Only one more week.’

‘Well, congrats to you.’ He tipped his hat towards her. ‘I have to handle a couple of things before we talk business but have a drink while you wait. On the house.’

Selene hummed in vague agreement as he walked off, dragging her feet to the bar and placing her bag on the counter. The bartender stood in front of her expectantly while wiping down a glass.

‘A gin rickey, please. Courtesy of Mackie,’ she told him.

He nodded, leaving to prepare her drink.

She mentally ran through the terms Jack wanted her to talk to Mackie about, but the thought of talking about boxing at all sent a pang in her chest. She checked that no one was looking her way before allowing herself to slump over the bar, holding her head in her hands.

Would the world always feel this heavy?

‘Well, well, well. Haven’t see you in a while,’ a familiar sultry voice greeted her. Selene looked up quickly to see Nora perched on the seat next to her. She wore one of her usual bright and glitzy dresses, but her eyes were dull.

‘Hi,’ Selene said, voice uncertain. They sat silently while the bartender placed her drink delicately in front of her. She thanked him quickly before taking a sip.

Nora sighed. ‘It’s awkward, huh?’

‘I don’t see how it wouldn’t be. We’re not exactly friends.’

‘Not at all. But we are familiar.’ She shrugged, unsure of how else to react.

Nora was a strange acquaintance. The only thing tying them together was gone, yet there was a history and understanding she couldn’t ignore. For better or worse, Nora was one of the few people left who knew the real her, and it wasn’t something Selene was ready to let go of yet.

‘You should be happy, you know. Graduating is a good thing.’

‘Maybe.’ Selene took another sip, concentrating on how the burn of the alcohol coursed through her. Perhaps shots would make the conversation easier. It was getting more and more tempting to lose herself, to escape. Her guilt felt like the endless ocean she hated so much.

‘I promise I wanted to make his service,’ she told Nora. ‘There was a test and I tried—’

Nora patted her arm, the touch soothing her guilt a bit. ‘Nobody’s blaming you, hun. It’s good you’re focusing on your life.’

‘I left him,’ she whispered, the full weight of her guilt covering the three words.

‘The first words out of your mouth after he died were “I can’t be here.” I’ve never seen you look as scared as you did right then,’ Nora told her, running a finger along the rim of her glass. ‘Whatever reason you had for leaving must have been good enough.’

Selene bit her lip. She didn’t know why she had been terrified of Jack finding out but something in her gut told her to hide.

She looked down at the diamond ring on her finger.

The sight of it brought a bone-deep dread that had her longing for the caress of smoke on her lips; nowadays, she never seemed to smoke enough.

For the moment, she settled for a sip of her drink.

‘Jack said the service was beautiful,’ she said, trying to get the conversation back on track.

Nora stayed silent, and Selene looked up to see the beauty staring pensively at her before her gaze turned pitying. ‘It was, but he wasn’t there.’

The revelation felt like a punch to her gut and Selene couldn’t help but drop her jaw. ‘Wait. No… no, he went. He told me about the service and how Haze called most of the attendees hypocrites for only showing up after Demir was dead.’

‘You should talk to your fiancé, because I don’t think we’re close enough for me to go any further in this. However, I do know he wasn’t there, and I stayed until the end.’ Nora waved down the bartender. ‘Park, make me a sidecar, would you?’

The world was a blur as Selene got out of her seat and stumbled out of the bar, her mind spinning with images of Jack in a black suit as he dropped her off at school. He hadn’t even picked her up because he was supposedly at the repass. So, now… neither she nor Jack were there for Demir in the end.

Her stomach twisted dangerously, and she stepped onto the kerb quickly, throwing up the drink and small breakfast she had.

She heaved painfully until the noise turned into sobs.

She struggled to pull out her handkerchief to calm herself as she realised Demir had been doomed from the moment he met her.

Wiping her mouth, the sour taste of bile was heavy on her tongue, but there was nothing she could do about it.

She shivered as she walked home. The tremors felt like they came from deep within her gut, exhaustion urging her to lie in the street and let the world be done with her. Instead, she pushed on.

There was something she needed to make right, even if it was too late.

‘Sel, this is crazy,’ Jack announced as Selene stuffed her things into a suitcase.

‘Maybe’ she said. ‘But it’s over. I can’t do this anymore, Jack.’

‘Do what?’ She didn’t answer him as she focused on gathering her clothes.

She shoved her notebooks amongst the hastily packed clothes and trinkets.

She hadn’t been diligent, grabbing whatever was hers without regard of whether she truly needed it; she wanted to make sure she didn’t have a reason to come back.

‘Sel, just stop! You’re out of your mind!’ He grabbed her bag and tried to pull it away from her.

‘ Stop it! ’

Startled by her scream, Jack dropped the bag’s handle.

The sound of their heavy breathing filled the room as they stared at each other, and he looked at her in disbelief.

She didn’t know how to feel. Years of her life were being torn into shreds by her decision, a whole lifetime with someone she still loved, over someone that she’d met less than a year ago.

But she could no longer hide behind the dreams Jack had for her. She’d had someone that believed in her, whether or not he was by her side. Demir had made her feel grounded and without him, there were only whispers of the things that made sense in her life.

Still, a part of her wanted to stop, if for nothing else than to not break Jack’s heart.

He was hurting, too. Yet, even as the thought formed in her mind, she knew she couldn’t.

He had created this reality just as much as she had, and she couldn’t marry him as if she were okay with it. She couldn’t keep that big of a lie.

‘Take it,’ she said. ‘I don’t care. I can leave the bag, but I have to leave.’

‘Sel, enough. This is just your grief talking,’ he reasoned, almost desperately. ‘It’s okay; I get it. I miss him, too! But we can’t let his ghost dictate our lives.’

‘You miss him,’ she asked incredulously. ‘You didn’t even go to his funeral! You lied to me!’

His eyes widened and she watched him scramble for an excuse. He threw his hands up hopelessly. ‘S–So, it can’t be hard for me to see him like that?’