Page 19 of Only You

Paris

The next few weeks, Sabine got better at pretending – or ‘playing the fiancée’ as Lamont called it. It became easier to smile and joke in public, to sit next to him and gaze at him fondly when he spoke. She could see the approval in Genevieve’s eyes and the jealousy in everyone else’s.

Sabine didn’t mind the task as of late, mostly because it kept her distracted from the truth: her growing conflict of her feelings regarding her father, even as it pushed the reality of her wedding to the centre of her attention.

While Lamont was presumptuous with a tendency to underestimate her, he was undeniably amiable and he enjoyed being in her company.

Very rarely did he meet someone that tried to defy him or even could.

His brothers were much older, and he had traditional parents.

She was his only confidant in his immediate vicinity.

Knowing this, it was easy to understand him.

And yet she couldn’t ignore the very present reality that, in any other context, she would be his direct property versus only his presumed property disguised as his partner. It may not have been so terrible if she didn’t know what it was like to be treated like an equal.

The more time she spent with Lamont, the more she wished she was with Damien.

He was the only person that made her feel safe and reminded her of herself.

When it was all too much, when she got tired of smiling and pretending that she wasn’t intelligent, he was there.

She liked how he teased her, how he refused to back down when challenged. He didn’t shrink; he didn’t waver.

She didn’t know how to feel about losing him because the world told her she had to.

‘You must have quite an active mind.’

‘Excuse me?’ Sabine asked as she came back to the present. She and Lamont were watching the horse races, which was much more relaxing than trying to ride together.

‘Your eyes are always so focused, but it feels like you’re never quite here,’ he commented, looking away from the track to her. His eyes softened as they landed on her. ‘They’re beautiful, by the way. As are you.’

‘You must be tired,’ Sabine teased. ‘You’re usually more creative with your compliments.’

‘You seem to respond best to truth, so I decided to oblige you as much as possible.’ Lamont yawned and she chuckled, taking his hand.

Even as she did it, it felt like she was stepping outside her body, watching another woman talk with fondness.

She was scaring herself with how easy it was to fall into the act.

‘No more late nights for you,’ she told him.

‘I promise. At least until the wedding,’ he smirked. She shook her head with a good-natured smile, hoping it hid her discomfort as she slid her hand away.

The announcer informed the crowd the race was about to start, and Sabine looked back at the track.

She watched the horses run around in circles.

She cheered when she spotted the horse she had bet on earlier making its way to the front.

A few minutes later, it managed to make it to second place.

She clapped delicately, turning to remind Lamont that they needed to collect their winnings before they left.

He was staring at her curiously, his eyes roaming her face lazily.

‘Did you have another suitor at home that you hoped to marry?’ he asked suddenly as the crowd settled.

The sudden question caught Sabine off guard, and she couldn’t stop the image of her first love from popping into her mind, sitting beneath an iroko tree, smiling under the light of a setting sun as the rays warmed his dark brown skin.

If she closed her eyes, she could almost feel him tracing je t’aime clumsily against the back of her hand.

She cleared her throat before looking away.

‘And if I did?’ she asked defensively. ‘Would I be less desirable to you?’

‘Of course not,’ Lamont said, and she could hear the frown in his voice. ‘I’m just… trying to understand your reluctance. I’ve never met a woman so angry to marry into a rich family.’

‘Because being an upstanding citizen is so wonderful,’ she said sarcastically, and Lamont laughed unexpectedly. Sabine had never heard him sound so carefree. ‘Yes,’ she told him reluctantly after his laughter had died down. ‘I did have someone I loved dearly. We were best friends for years.’

‘You must miss him.’

She looked down, fiddling with the coin purse in her lap. ‘I try not to,’ she whispered.

‘Do you feel you betrayed him?’

‘Sometimes.’ she said. More than once . The ghost of Damien’s lips travelling up her shoulder… she squeezed her eyes shut.

‘The more comfortable I get, the harder it is to remember that it wasn’t supposed to be this way,’ she revealed.

She didn’t quite understand why she was being so honest other than it was the first time someone had asked.

The memory was so big, it was difficultto stuff back in the deep corner of her heart that she buried it in.

‘I wish I knew how you felt. Truly. At least I would better understand you.’

Sabine’s throat went dry. Hadn’t she said those same words to Damien, confused how her father could be so consumed by her mother?

And now, here she was on the other side, wondering how he managed to live without her.

Loving someone you could not keep was nothing more than a ghost one was forced to remember every moment of the day. Who could withstand such torture?

She bit her lip before turning in her seat to face him. ‘Heartache’s no fun for anyone. Most of the time, you just wonder if it’s worth it.’ She could just see him nod before hearing him shift on his side towards her.

‘I hope you’re not offended by this but… I can’t help but wish that one day you feel an inkling of how you felt about him for me,’ Lamont confessed.

She could hear the awkwardness in his voice, as though he weren’t used to being so vulnerable.

It was interesting how the simplest words could be so hard to say.

She was about to say something about how they had time when he stroked the side of her face.

She pulled back, not prepared for him to touch her.

He must have taken the reaction for shyness because he laughed softly before guiding her face to his lips.

The kiss felt very matter-of-fact for her, even as he pressed his lips harder against hers.

She squeezed her eyes shut as she kissed him back, the moment feeling obligatory and cold.

Luckily, he loosened his hold seconds later.

She forced a shy smile to her face when he leaned towards her again, turning her face away.

‘You’re going to miss the race, Lamont,’ she whispered, looking ahead, but it was a long time before she felt the eyes on her face disappear. Instead, he took her hand, and she forced herself to hold onto his.

Although he snuck into Sabine’s room almost every night, one of Damien’s favourite ways to see her was their weekly fencing lessons, a development that came after her terrible outing with Lamont.

It was nice to interact with her in public, even if it was only as teacher and student.

Seeing her in the sunlight was a luxury that he would not pass up.

So, why was he so nervous as he stepped into the garden?

Maybe it was the troubled look she had for the last few weeks when she thought he wasn’t looking.

Like now, as she sat on a bench under a tree with golden and burgundy leaves with a pinched expression.

It was as if something were haunting her, keeping him out of reach.

He wasn’t used to this distance between them, nor did he know how to talk to her about it.

He supposed he could be straightforward, but he also knew that she could be a good liar when she wanted to be.

So, a roundabout approach would have to do.

‘A beautiful day,’ he commented.

Sabine jumped, replacing her worry with a small smile.

‘They’re all beautiful.’ She looked over the garden. ‘Despite my initial qualms, France is nice.’

‘I’m surprised your father didn’t bring you sooner, especially since your mother was French.’ He sat beside her on the bench, Sabine’s hands twisting her lap.

‘Mother preferred to be home, which I cannot blame her for after the boat ride.’ Sabine shuddered. ‘Not the best experience, I’m afraid.’

‘Then I shall remain thankful I never chose to join the navy.’

Sabine laughed a little. ‘You are much more suited for land.’ She was quiet, her hands gripping the bench.

‘It crossed my mind after my mother passed that we could have visited for one reason or another, but that seemed too sentimental for my father. It is a “gift only afforded to the feminine”.’ She rolled her eyes. ‘My father is not the emotional type.’

‘I know.’ Damien’s first meeting with Kwame Kouassi replayed in his mind. ‘I’m surprised he showed you so much affection.’

She shrugged. ‘He always wanted me to have two things: stability and power. It’s something he worked for all his life.’

‘So, why not look for something more familiar?’

Sabine grimaced before sighing deeply. ‘He was never fond of the idea of me being with a local man,’ she explained. ‘He had to do a lot of things for us to get the power we have, some of which included hurting our own people. He didn’t want me to bear the consequences.’

That seemed understandable. However, what caused more questions was the way Sabine now wrapped her arms around herself as if to shield herself from danger. There had to be more to the story. Still, he held back the question, ‘What happened?’ and instead said, ‘That explains the fencing.’

‘The fencing, the guards and his insistence of looking for suitors within our newly formed business partners… and I think he was scared.’ Her brows pinched together. ‘He knows from experience how far someone can go when they fall in love, and he didn’t want anyone ruining his plans.’

‘He made you a soldier.’

‘Yes.’ Sabine frowned. ‘In a way, he did.’ He hummed in contemplation.

‘You know what’s the best moment of being a soldier?’ he asked suddenly.

Sabine raised her brow, meeting his gaze as she shook her head.

‘It’s that moment when you let go of all your opinions, when you finally bow your head to what’s happening.

You’ll hate yourself for it later but, in that moment, it’s a relief to be able to stop thinking.

Suddenly, you’re not someone no one wanted or deathly afraid of losing the only friends you have to someone just like you on the other side. You’re just… ready.’

‘Then why is it so hard to live with?’ she whispered.

As Damien looked her in the eye, they were one and the same. Under all the gleam of privilege and pride lingered the feeling of being lost. Once again, he felt their connection, unwavering and undeniable, just like when they had first met.

‘If I knew I would tell you.’

A tear slipped from Sabine’s eye, and she quickly wiped it away. ‘Despite everything he’s done in my mother’s name, my father spent years teaching me love has consequences. It’s a fantasy that can never be fulfilled. Perhaps, it was not enough.’

‘Why do you say that?’

‘Because here I am with you.’ She bit her lip before placing her hand tentatively over his. ‘I know our time is limited but if I had a choice… you are all I want.’ She gripped his hand tightly. ‘Please, tell me you understand.’

He paused at the fear in her eyes and pulled free of her grip to wrap his arm around her, pulling her to his side. ‘I don’t need to understand,’ he said. ‘You don’t need to worry about me. I’ll always be okay. Even when all this is over, I’ll find my way to you.’

Sabine buried her face in his chest but did not answer. He couldn’t say for sure, but he had a feeling she didn’t believe him. So, he held on as tight as he could, hoping she wasn’t slipping away, that she had enough faith in them to know he would keep his word.

As he made his way down the hall, he knew she would need it.

The general waited for him, looking livid as he gestured for Damien to follow him to his study.

He instinctively looked out the window and paused when he saw that it looked out to the garden, specifically to the bench him and Sabine were sitting on earlier.

He swallowed nervously as he met the general’s gaze.

Love had made him reckless.