Page 21

21

ASA

I pulled my phone out of my pocket. “It’s just after ten.”

He let out a long sigh and scrubbed his hand through his hair. “No wonder I’m fading.”

“Yeah, same.” I tucked my phone away, my head spinning with everything we’d talked about.

He chewed on the corner of his lips, his eyes shrouded in uncertainty and what looked like nerves.

That was weird. Dex was the most confident person I’d ever met. What could he possibly have to be nervous about now that we’d just spilled our guts to each other again?

“Are you going to bed soon?” he asked.

“Yeah. I was planning it.”

“I might be reading things completely wrong, but do you want to sleep in my room tonight?”

I tried to cover up my shock but obviously failed when he winced.

“Yeah, I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“No. I mean, I’m just surprised you asked, that’s all. That wasn’t me saying no,” I babbled. “Just couldn’t keep my indoor face on.”

“Indoor face?” he asked, some of his nerves gone.

“That’s what I call my normal face. My outside face is when I let my emotions or reactions show without meaning to. Kind of like how people say indoor voice and outdoor voice, only mine is my face.” I shook my head ruefully. “My brain is weird.”

“It is, but that’s not a bad thing.” His smile was soft and affectionate. “I like it. And the indoor/outdoor face thing makes total sense.”

“You want me to sleep in your room?” I asked tentatively. Had I already messed this up with my reaction and tangent?

“Yeah.” He licked his lower lip nervously. “I just…this might sound weird, but I want to sleep with you tonight. Not sex,” he said in a rush. “I don’t mean sleep together like have sex. I mean actually sleep together.” He raked his hand through his hair. “I’ve never shared a bed with anyone, never wanted to. But I want to, with you. Tonight.”

“Okay.” I wanted to slap myself. Okay? That was all I could think of saying. “I mean, yeah, I’d like to.”

He blew out a breath. “That was way harder to talk about than it should have been.”

I chuckled. “So much harder.”

“Do you want to meet me in my room when you’re ready?”

“Yeah. Sure.” I tried not to grin like an idiot and show off just how happy his offer made me.

I’d never even considered sharing a bed with someone, but after the show and what we’d just talked about, I didn’t want to be alone tonight. But it wasn’t just having a body beside me that was so appealing; it was sharing this last level of intimacy with him.

Sex had never been an issue with us, and we were getting better at talking. The real obstacle for us, and especially me, was sharing or showing any sort of physical or emotional intimacy that didn’t have to do with sex or talking.

The only time we were able to share any sort of casual affection was when we watched TV or movies together, and he was always the one who initiated it.

I’d wanted to touch him or cuddle up to him so many times when we were just hanging out together, but I held back because I was too afraid of crossing a line and not only getting rejected, but fucking things up between us. We were finally in a good place, and it was true. He was my best friend, and the last thing I wanted was to mess that up because I couldn’t keep things platonic between us.

I could feel a big smile stretching my lips, and Dex grinned back at me. We sat there for a few beats, smiling at each other like morons, then Dex put his hands on his knees in a telltale sign that he was about to stand up.

“See you in a few?” he asked.

I nodded, not trusting that my voice wouldn’t come out weird.

I waited until he was out of the room, then stood too.

It didn’t take me long to get ready, and Dex was already in bed when I paused in his open door.

“Can you hit the light on your way over?” He pulled the covers back in a clear invitation.

“Yeah, sure.” I flipped the switch and crossed the room.

The room wasn’t completely dark, thanks to the light filtering in through the curtains on his window, and I was able to get to his bed without tripping on anything.

“I have an alarm set for six thirty. Is that enough time for you?” he asked as casually as could be while I felt like my heart was about to gallop out of my chest.

“That’s good.” I put my phone on his nightstand and got into bed with him.

I used to get up around seven for work but switched to getting up at the same time as him since it was impossible to sleep while he was moving around the apartment in the mornings. I’d gotten used to it, and I actually preferred having the extra time to wake up and not have to worry about traffic like before.

He threw the blankets over me and propped himself up on one elbow. A sexy-as-hell smirk curved his lips as he looked down at me.

I was lying on my back, my arms at my sides, and so tense I probably resembled a two-by-four, or whatever those long pieces of wood for building were called.

“We don’t have to touch if you don’t want to. It’s a big enough bed?—”

“It’s not that,” I cut him off. “I just have no idea what to do. I’ve never done this either.”

He lay back down. “How about you come over here and tell me more about birds being dinosaurs.”

“Really? You want to hear about that?”

“Definitely. I loved dinosaurs when I was a kid, and I feel like what you’re about to tell me is going to shatter everything I thought I knew about them.” He slid one arm over my waist and gave me a little tug. “I’m ready to question everything if you’re ready to share some knowledge.”

I scooted closer to him, stopping when my arm brushed his chest. How was I supposed to do this? I’d never cuddled with anyone and wasn’t feeling all that confident that I wasn’t going to somehow mess things up by doing the wrong thing.

“Do you want to get onto your side so we can spoon?” he whispered. “Or you can put your head on my chest.”

“Which do you like more?” I asked, not ready to make that call because they both sounded awesome.

He lay on his back and held one arm out. I took the hint and rolled into him, fitting my body against his. He curled his arm around me and tugged me closer. It took a bit of shifting, but I found a comfortable way to put my head on his chest and lay so my arm didn’t feel like it was about to fall asleep.

“Is this okay?” he asked softly.

“Yeah.”

“Are you ready to shatter my childhood?”

I chuckled and snuggled a bit closer to him. “So ready.”

Dex listened intently as I told him what I knew about the link between dinosaurs and birds and answered his questions as best I could.

I’d thought cuddling like this might be awkward or that he wouldn’t like it once we tried it, but the way he gently stroked my arm and kept pressing soft kisses against my hair told me he was enjoying it as much as I was.

“Do you want to stay like this?” he asked sleepily when there was a lull in the conversation. “Or do you want to try spooning?”

As much as I loved what we were doing, I didn’t think I’d be able to get comfortable enough to sleep pressed up to his side like this.

“Maybe try spooning.”

He let me go, and we shifted around until we were both on our sides. Dex wrapped his arm around my waist and moved closer so he could press right up against my back. His warm breath fanned over my neck, and I nearly swooned when he slipped one of his legs between mine to get even closer.

“Is this okay?” he murmured, his voice thick with sleep.

“Yeah,” I closed my eyes and smiled into the dark. “It’s perfect.”

“Yeah.” He pressed a sleepy kiss against my hair. “It is. Night.”

“Night,” I echoed.

A few moments later, his breathing evened out, and his body relaxed as he fell asleep.

I lay there, listening to him breathe and marveling at how empty my head was. I’d assumed I’d be up for hours obsessing over our conversation and thinking of all the ways I could fuck things up between us, but the only thought in my head was how much I loved having him behind me like this.

Still smiling into the dark room, I relaxed against Dex and let sleep slowly take over.

“Asa?” Dev, one of my bosses, called from across the shop. “Can you come into the office for a second?”

“Be right there,” I shouted back.

“No rush,” he assured me, then disappeared back into the office.

“Somebody’s in trouble,” Isaac sing-songed as I went to the sink to wash my hands.

I flipped him off but didn’t bother hiding my smile. Isaac’s antics were one of the only reasons I hadn’t gone crazy today. I had no idea if he could tell I was off or if he was just being his usual self, but I appreciated it either way.

“So what did you do this time?” Jesse asked from his station, which was next to mine. “Scare the customers with your resting bitch face again?”

“That was one time.” I shot him a flat look.

“What about putting a bitchy customer in their place and making them melt down because you actually talked back and didn’t just let them use you as a verbal punching bag?” Jesse asked.

“Sadly, no.” I shot him a grin.

Isaac snickered. “That was one of the best days of my life. Watching Nate lecture you in front of that Karen to make her go away, then giving you the rest of the afternoon off as compensation for having to deal with her was everything.” He shook his head. “She really thought she did something.”

“Wait,” Luka said as he came out of the back room with Zander to start their shifts. “I only caught the tail end of that. Did you really get in fake trouble for talking back to a customer?”

“Yup.” I turned off the water and pulled a few paper towels from the dispenser.

“What happened?” Luka looked between me and Isaac. “You’re like the chillest person ever. And so not scary.”

I shot him a look and finished drying my hands.

“I didn’t mean it like that.” Luka winced. “I just mean you’re like a goth angel and the least confrontational person I’ve ever met..”

“He talks back when he wants to,” Zander assured Luka. “Be thankful he hasn’t unleashed his ire on you. Asa doesn’t hold back when he’s pissed.”

“I believe it,” Luka said. “Is that what happened with the customer? They pissed you off and you snapped?”

“Pretty much.” I tossed the paper towel in the trash. “She kept arguing about her bill and refusing to pay it.”

“Why?” Luka asked. “What work did you do on it?”

“Replaced her brakes and topped up the brake fluid.”

“Why did she get so bent out of shape over that?” he asked. “Did she bring the car in for something else and you found the brake issue by chance?”

“Nope, she brought it in because she heard a weird squealing sound when she braked and noticed it took way longer than usual to actually stop.” I shrugged. “The fluid was dangerously low, and the shoes and pads were basically metal on metal at that point. It’s a wonder she didn’t fuck up the whole system and was able to stop at all.”

Luka shook his head. “How the hell did she expect you to fix her brakes if you weren’t supposed to do anything to her brakes?”

“I have no clue. She said something about oiling them to make the squealing sound go away. I tried to explain that the only way I could make the sound go away was by actually fixing the problem. She refused to listen and accused me of trying to cheat her and do unnecessary work on her car when all she wanted me to do was make her brakes less loud.”

“Did you tell her you’d have to fix whatever problem you found because her car wasn’t road safe and we legally couldn’t release it back to her until it had working brakes?” Luka asked.

“Yup, when she dropped the car off and told me what was going on,” I confirmed. “And she wasn’t pleased when I reminded her of that.”

“And by remind her, he means he told her that she should have listened when he’d explained it to her the first time, and it wasn’t his fault she’d let things get to the point where her car wasn’t safe to drive,” Isaac added with a big grin.

“She didn’t appreciate that,” I said.

Luka grinned. “I imagine not. Was that what you got in fake trouble about?”

“Nope.” Isaac made a “go ahead” motion. “Tell him what really set her off.”

“I may or may not have told her I had three siblings under ten, so her tantrum wasn’t going to get her anywhere, and I’d listen when she decided to use her adult voice and words.”

Luka laughed. “Oh my god, that’s amazing. And I’m guessing she wanted the service comped and demanded to speak to the manager.”

“Yes to the free work, but she went right to demanding to see the owner.” I grinned. “Nate came out and listened to her rant about me. Then he asked me if all that was true. It wasn’t, she embellished a lot, but I just said yes because it was easier than doing a whole back and forth and rehashing things.

“Nate lectured me about the customer always being right and how important it was to always be respectful and a bunch of other crap. That made her happy, and Nate sweet-talked her into paying the bill and accepting a gift certificate for the cost of the service as compensation. As far as I know, she hasn’t come back to cash it in, and I doubt she ever will.”

Luka shook his head, still laughing. “I love it. She really thought she did something there.”

“Me and Nate were listening to the whole thing behind the separation wall,” Isaac said. “So he knew half of what she said was bullshit. When she was finally gone, he told Asa he could leave early after dealing with all that drama.”

“Did you go home?” Luka asked.

I shook my head. “Nah. I only had a few hours left, but the offer was nice.” I hooked my thumb at the back office. “I should go before Dev starts thinking I got lost.”

Luka started telling everyone a story about another entitled customer he’d dealt with at his old shop, and I made my way to the office.

“Hey,” I said, poking my head into the room. “You wanted to see me?”

“Come in.” He waved me inside.

“Am I in trouble?” I asked, closing the door behind me.

“Did you do something that would warrant you being in trouble?” He asked pointedly.

“Nope. Nothing at all.” I gave him my most innocent smile.

He chuckled and waved to the chair in front of his giant wooden desk. “Have a seat. I thought we could have a quick chat while it’s dead.”

I settled in the chair. “Yeah, okay.”

He leaned back in his chair, his expression serious. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah. Fine,” I lied. “Why?”

“Because you don’t seem like everything is fine.” He smiled in that older brother way that always put me at ease. “It’s been months since you came to the shop to chat. That either means things are great, or they’re not. I’m worried they’re not.”

I winced. Of course he noticed I stopped coming by.

Dev might be my boss, but he was also my friend.

He was actually the one who hired me, and I’d spent two and a half years working with him as his apprentice. We’d grown close over that time, and he’d become sort of like a big brother to me and not just a boss or mentor.

Dev was one of the few people I felt comfortable talking about personal things with, and he was the only one who knew the extent of my money issues.

He also knew I lived alone and didn’t really have anyone outside the shop, and he’d told me to come by if I was struggling and needed some company. He’d never once turned me away in all the times I’d taken him up on that offer. Which I’d done a lot over the years.

Sometimes we talked, but other times I organize files or did other mundane office tasks while he worked because I was lonely but didn’t have anything specific I needed to hash out or get advice on.

I hadn’t stopped by once since I found that eviction letter taped to my door.

“Things were really bad for a while, but they’re not as bad now,” I started, not sure how I could even begin to explain everything that had happened in the last few months.

“Not as bad, but not good?” he asked gently.

I shook my head.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“It’ll take a while if I do. Are you sure you don’t need me on the floor?”

“You don’t have to tell me anything if you don’t want to, but they’ll be fine out there without you for as long as it takes.”

“Okay, if you’re sure.”

“I’m sure.” He pushed a little dish of soft butterscotch candies toward me. He always kept some sort of sweets on his desk, and those were my favorites.

I took one and unwrapped it, then popped it in my mouth, grateful for the chance to organize my thoughts while I chewed.

“Okay, buckle up, because here it goes,” I said when the candy was done.

Dev listened while I told him about being evicted and how I’d ended up having to ask Dex if I could stay with him when I couldn’t find a new place.

“Are you still staying with him?” he asked when that part of the story was over.

“Yeah.” I ran my finger over a wrinkle in the leg of my coveralls distractedly.

“Is that an okay situation? I know you don’t get along.”

I snort-laughed. “Yeah, not getting along isn’t the problem. We actually get along too well, and I have no idea what the fuck to do about it.”

“What do you mean?” Dev prompted when I didn’t say more.

“What are your views on sex work?” I asked. That was one conversation we’d never had, and even though I didn’t think he’d have a problem with us camming, I needed to be sure before I spilled that part to him.

He looked surprised for a few seconds, obviously taken aback by the seemingly random topic change. “I don’t have a problem with it as long as everyone involved is a consenting adult and doing it of their own free will.”

“This part is really weird. Like, really out there.” I chewed on the inside of my cheek. “Are you sure you want to hear it? I can skip it and?—”

“I want to hear whatever you want to tell me,” he said in his calm big brother voice. “Just take your time and don’t worry about anything other than getting whatever you need off your chest. I promise I won’t judge you, no matter what you tell me.”

“Okay.” I blew out a breath. I needed to talk to someone about this, and Dev was the only person I could talk to about it. “About a week after I moved in, I accidentally walked in on Dex while he was camming.”

“Camming, like on one of those adult webcam sites?”

I nodded. “I had no idea he did that, and catching him with his dick out, literally, was a shock. But it wasn’t a big deal once he explained it to me.” I chewed on the inside of my lip for a few beats. “The issue is what happened after we started camming together.”

This time Dev wasn’t able to hide his shock, but he recovered quickly. “Did he approach you about this?”

I shook my head. “I asked him. I looked up his cam room after I walked in on him and watched part of his show the next time he went online. His viewers were talking about wanting to see us cam together, and he told them he would if he thought I’d say yes. I needed money, and he made good money doing solo stuff. I figured why not see if he meant it and asked.”

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but that doesn’t sound like you,” he said in a careful tone. “Not the camming part, but having sex with someone for the first time in front of an audience.”

I hadn’t told him too many details about my lack of a sex life, but he knew I didn’t date and didn’t have much interest in sex or hooking up.

“It wasn’t our first time. I never told you this, but we hooked up when we were teenagers. It only happened that one time, and we were both using each other to figure shit out, but it happened. I thought that would make it easier to keep things separate.”

“It didn’t?” he prompted when I fell silent again.

“No.” I shot him what I hoped was a wry smile. “I thought it would be a one-off, but he asked if I wanted to do it again, and my dumb ass said yes. I knew it was a mistake, but I still did it. I probably could have flipped back to how things used to be between us if it was just camming together that was different, but everything changed. We started talking, like actually talking about real stuff, and we get along really well when we’re not taking our anger at our parents out on each other. I like living with him, and it’s so weird, but he’s actually, like, my best friend now.”

Dev smiled, but I could see that he was still processing everything I’d told him. “I’m assuming that’s what’s better, but it’s also why things still aren’t great?”

“Yeah. We hooked up at our parents’ a few months ago, and that’s the only time we’ve ever done anything off cam since that first night. It’s amazing on cam, but it was so much better when it was just the two of us and we were doing it because we wanted to.

“But nothing else happened after that. I thought maybe he regretted it or didn’t want me like that anymore and he just wanted to be roommates who cammed together. But we talked about some stuff last night, and he told me he was keeping his distance because he didn’t know what I wanted. And he asked me to sleep in his bed. We didn’t do anything, just talked and slept, but it was even better than when we hooked up at our parents’ if that makes sense?”

Dev nodded. “That makes perfect sense.”

“Good, because I feel like I just said a whole lot of words, but none of them made sense.”

“You’re fine,” he assured me. “I understood everything.”

“Good.” I blew out another breath. “So yeah, that’s what’s been going on. I moved in with my stepbrother, we’ve been fucking on cam for money, and I’m pretty sure I’m in love with him.”

I snapped my mouth shut. What the fuck? Where had that come from?

Was I in love with Dex?

No, I couldn’t be. That was just emotional fallout from waking up together.

Right?

“You didn’t realize you love him?” Dev asked gently.

“No. I mean, I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“Because he’s my stepbrother.”

“You’re not blood relatives. What’s wrong with having feelings for him?”

“We share siblings. What if we start something and break up? It’s not like we can just ignore each other. And what if this isn’t love, and I just imprinted on him because he’s the only guy I’ve been with, and I’m mistaking friendship and chemistry for more?” I shook my head. “It doesn’t matter, because he doesn’t love me.”

“How do you know that?” Dev asked. “How can you be sure if he hasn’t said anything either way?”

“Because he doesn’t. He can’t.”

“Because you’re stepbrothers?”

“And because I’m me.”

“Asa—”

“I’m not saying that to be mean to myself. You know me, I’m fine with who I am. I like who I am. I’m just saying that we’re too different for there to be anything more than just sex between us. We’re opposites in literally every way.”

“You’ve never heard of opposites attracting? You remember how Nate and Sarah were together. They were happy for over twenty years before she passed.”

I nodded slowly. Nate and his wife were pretty much as opposite as you could get, but they’d been one of those couples everyone envied. They loved each other fiercely and still acted like newlyweds after two decades and three kids together.

“And that’s just one example,” he continued. “Luka and Zander are another. I’m not trying to tell you how you feel, but being different from your partner isn’t always a bad thing.”

“What if he doesn’t love me back?” I said, my voice barely louder than a whisper.

“That’s always a possibility when you tell someone how you feel,” Dev said. “But what if he does?”

“I don’t think I can do it, not unless he says it first. I like the place we’re in now. I like having him as my friend, and I like living with him. I can’t risk losing all that.”

“Do you mean you can’t risk losing that, or you can’t risk losing him?”

“Losing him,” I managed to scrape out.

“Would things be easier if you weren’t stepbrothers? Do you think you’d be able to tell him then?”

I shook my head.

“So maybe that’s not the problem and you’ve been using it as an excuse to shield yourself from being rejected?”

I let my head fall back and stared up at the ceiling. He was right. Being stepbrothers made things more complicated, but it wasn’t the massive roadblock I’d made it out to be.

Even if we did break up, it wasn’t like we had family things every weekend. Other than birthdays and major holidays, we didn’t really do things as a family. We’d spent three years living in the same house and survived. Seeing each other for a few hours five or six times a year wasn’t the end of the world.

And it wasn’t like I gave a shit what my parents or his dad thought of me. They’d probably have issues with us being together, but I was too valuable as a babysitter, and Dex was their success story they could show off. The odds of them cutting either of us off were slim.

My dad would probably never speak to me again, but whatever. I was done with him after he abandoned me when I needed help. I wasn’t going to shed any tears if I never spoke to him again.

The real reason I convinced myself that there could never be anything real between us was because I was scared.

Dex was the first—and only—person I’d ever felt anything for. He made me happy, and he took care of me. He was exactly what I’d always needed, and everything I never knew I wanted.

I loved him, but I was so used to never feeling loved that I couldn’t even wrap my brain around the possibility of him loving me back.

“Asa?” Dev asked gently, rousing me from my spiral and bringing me back to reality. “Are you okay? I didn’t mean to make things worse.”

“You didn’t.” I tried to smile, but it probably looked more like I pursed my lips at him. “I’m okay, just have a lot to think about.”

“Do you want to go home early?”

I shook my head. “I need to stay busy and be around people so I don’t get lost in my head.”

“I’ll make sure Cass doesn’t schedule you for anything too involved for the rest of your shift.”

“Thanks.”

Dev understood I processed things better when I didn’t actively think about them and let the thoughts percolate in the back of my mind while I focused on other things. He also knew I’d never put myself, or anyone else, in danger by working if I was too distracted to do it safely.

“How about you take a minute and go out whenever you’re ready?” he suggested. “I’ve got some paperwork to do, but I’m right here if you need to talk more.”

I huffed out a laugh. “Thanks, but I’m pretty sure I’m all talked out. I’ll be fine in a minute.”

“Take your time.” He tapped on the touchpad of his laptop to wake it up.

I settled in the chair and listened to the rhythmic click of his laptop keys as he went back to work.

I had no idea what the fuck I was going to do about my inconvenient feelings, but now that I’d had a chance to sit with them, they didn’t freak me out as much as when I first realized the truth.