Page 14

14

ASA

Five days had passed since Dex and I cammed together, and I was no closer to figuring out what the hell was going on with me than I’d been that night.

That was one downside of not having people I could talk to about stuff. I got in my head and usually ended up driving myself crazy by either thinking in circles or letting myself get carried away and going off on insane tangents and connecting dots that weren’t even there.

The only friends I had were the guys at work, and this wasn’t something I could talk to any of them about. How was I supposed to casually bring up that I’d had sex with my stepbrother on camera for money? That wasn’t exactly something you could drop at the break table or when we were at the bar.

Plus, as far as they knew, I hated Dex.

Something in my gut churned. Even thinking that felt wrong. I didn’t hate Dex, and looking back, I never actually did. I hated that I had to have a stepbrother at all, and I hated how our parents got together, but none of that was his fault. I disliked him because he was everything I wasn’t, and I really enjoyed antagonizing him, but I never truly hated him back then.

And I didn’t hate him now.

In fact, I kinda liked him, but I wasn’t sure if that was because of our circumstances or because of him . And I didn’t even know if what I felt really was like, or if I’d imprinted on him or something because we’d fucked.

Every other guy I’d attempted to hook up with meant nothing to me. I basically used them to figure out what I was into or if I even enjoyed sex, the same as they’d used me to get off.

In all the years I’d noticed men, I’d never once felt any sort of romantic attraction to anyone. Hell, I’d barely felt any sort of actual attraction to anyone beyond appreciating their looks.

Dex was literally the only exception, and now that I knew how incredible sex with him could be, I couldn’t stop thinking about it.

It wouldn’t be so bad if it was just the sex I was obsessed with. Nope, It was how he seemed to be able to read me and anticipate what I needed. How he could make the noise in my head shut up with a simple touch or a gentle word.

How he looked at me like I was the only person in the world and he wanted nothing more than to be there in that moment with me, and how he seemed to enjoy my touch as much as I enjoyed his.

But was all that real, or was it just because we’d been on cam? Was he like this with all his partners? Or was that how most people were when they had sex?

Dex was the only guy I’d slept with, so I had no idea what was considered normal when it came to sex or hooking up. And it wasn’t like I could ask him if that was typical or if it had been better than usual.

At least things around the apartment weren’t awkward. Dex was still leaving food for me in the fridge, and we didn’t avoid each other when we were both home like before, but it wasn’t like we were hanging out or having long talks. We were acting like roommates, and I had no clue if I was the only one obsessing over any of this, which only made me spiral harder.

Beep. Beep. Beep .

Heaving another sigh, I tilted my phone toward me and checked my notifications.

“Fucking perfect,” I muttered when I saw the text from my mother. Of course she’d text now when I was in a mood and feeling like I was spinning out of control.

I was tempted to just ignore it, but knowing her, she’d just text again in a few minutes, then call if I still didn’t answer since she knew I was off work. Might as well get it over with.

Mom : I need you to babysit this weekend.

Asa : when?

Mom : Saturday

Mom : Steven and I are going to a wedding

I was tempted to say no, but that would just prompt her to start the guilt trips, and I really wasn’t in the mood to go through that right now.

Asa : what time?

Mom : Before lunch on Saturday so we have time to get ready. We’ll be back Sunday afternoon.

Of course it was an overnight thing, and it didn’t escape me that she hadn’t asked if I wanted to babysit or if I was available. She just assumed I’d do it because I always did.

At least overnight babysitting was easy. The kids were in bed early, and that gave me the rest of the night to do whatever I wanted.

Asa : Fine

Mom : be here by eleven

I waited to see if she had more to say, then tossed my phone onto the couch cushion beside me after my screen went dark, my bad mood intensifying.

I didn’t have any plans for the weekend, and I actually didn’t mind babysitting the kids, but I hated how she never bothered to ask and instead commanded me like I was her nanny. I was used to it after all these years, but it still hurt that my own mother didn’t give a shit about me and only cared about what I could do for her.

I really didn’t need this on top of everything else going on in my head, but when it rains, it pours, or so they say.

The sound of the front door closing knocked me out of my spiral, stopping my thoughts from going any darker.

“Asa?”

“In the living room.”

Dex appeared in the doorway a moment later.

Why did he have to look so good? He’d showered before he left work, and his damp curls fell around his face, framing his too-handsome features and making him look like a fitness influencer.

“Why does your face look like that?” he asked, tilting his head as he studied me.

“Like what?”

“Like you’re about to rip someone’s head off.”

“Maybe because that’s exactly how I feel.”

“Any head in particular?” He leaned his hip against the door frame and crossed his arms over his muscular chest.

This was usually when Dex would make a hasty exit or a crack about me being a moody bastard with resting bitch face and antagonize me until I lost it and snapped at him.

The fact that he wasn’t doing either was weird, and I had no clue what it meant. Or if it even meant anything at all.

“The usual suspect.”

“Your mom?”

I nodded.

“What did she do this time?”

“She summoned me for babysitting this weekend.”

Something flashed in his eyes that I couldn’t read, but it was gone a second later. “You do that a lot?”

“Babysit? Constantly.”

“Really?”

I nodded.

“Do they pay you?”

I snort-laughed. “Of course not.”

He pursed his lips, almost like he was covering up a flare of anger. But that couldn’t be right. Why would he be angry that they didn’t pay me? My finances weren’t his responsibility.

“Why not?” he asked. “It’s not like they can’t afford it.”

“Do I really have to answer that?”

He shook his head. “Let me guess. Family doesn’t charge family unless it’s them charging us for shit.”

“Ding ding ding. Rules for me, but not for thee.”

“When are you babysitting?”

“Saturday to Sunday.”

“An overnight?”

“Yup. They’re going to a wedding.”

“A wedding? And she just asked you today?”

“Literally just before you came home.”

He furrowed his brow. “That’s almost no notice for something that’s been planned for months. Did their sitter cancel at the last minute?”

“What sitter? I’m their sitter.”

A flash of anger crossed his features. “That’s fucked up.”

“Story of my life.” I stood and slipped my phone into my pocket.

“Did you eat yet?” he asked.

I shook my head.

“I’m ordering pizza. Want some?”

“Pizza? What happened to your perfectly balanced meal planning?”

“It can kiss my ass. I had a shitty day, and I want carbs and cheese and lots of meat.”

I rolled my lips inward to stop myself from smiling. I wanted to be mad at my mother and life in general, but it was hard to spiral when he was distracting me and looking like a snack in his work clothes.

“I mean, I’d never say no to that kind of meat, but alas, I meant extra pepperoni. Not dick.” He made a thoughtful face. “What do you think they’d do if I wrote ‘please put pepperoni in the shape of a dick’ in that little instruction box when I order?”

I snickered, the last of the dark cloud that had been swirling around me lifting. “My friend Isaac did that.”

“He did?”

I nodded.

“What happened?”

“They sent the pizza with a giant dick on it.”

Dex laughed, his hazel eyes glittering with humor. “I’m surprised he didn’t get in trouble.”

“It was a few years ago, and he ordered it at, like, two a.m. on a Saturday. That’s probably the only reason he didn’t get put on some sort of watch list.”

“Night crews really don’t give a fuck,” Dex agreed. “I guess I’ll be normal and not ask for a pepperoni dick since it’s dinnertime on a Tuesday.”

“Probably a good idea.”

He pulled his phone out of his pocket. “Pizza yay or nay?”

I hesitated. I had money for once, but I was so used to penny-pinching that it felt weird to spend it on takeout.

“I don’t have cash on me.”

“No problem.” He unlocked his phone and tapped on the screen. “I’ve got it.”

“Why?” I couldn’t understand or explain the flash of anger that hit me.

He looked up from his phone and met my eyes. “Because I always order the same thing, and there’s more than enough for two people.”

“Not just the pizza,” I said, the words pouring out of me like water through a faucet. “I mean the lunches and the leftovers for the past few weeks.”

“Because you need to eat, and cooking for one sucks.” He shrugged like it was no big deal. “It’s easy for me to just make extra, and there’s no point hoarding leftovers and tossing them out if you’re here to help me finish them."

“But why do you care if I’m eating?” I pressed.

“Because not eating enough is incredibly dangerous to your health, and I know how hard it is to get over an eating disorder.”

I was about to tell him I didn’t have an eating disorder, I was just poor and a terrible cook, but stopped as his words registered.

“What do you mean?” I asked carefully. Was he talking about himself? Or was this about someone he knew?

He raked his hand through his already messy curls. “Have you heard of orthorexia?”

I nodded. I wasn’t an expert or anything, but I’d read about how it was an ED where people restricted all food except what they considered to be healthy. I’d also read that it usually wasn’t about losing weight and was instead about controlling the purity of the food you consumed.

“My first year at college was a…let’s just say it was an adjustment,” he said, his eyes on the floor between us. “The team had a nutritionist on staff that made individualized meal plans for us so we could ‘avoid the freshman fifteen’ at the dining halls.”

That didn’t make sense. Dex was an elite athlete. Even if he ate nothing but junk food, the hours he put into practices, workouts, and games would be enough to burn it off. Not to mention having the metabolism of a teenager.

I’d spent years watching Dex eat enough for two people and never gain an ounce. Why would they put him on a diet?

“I didn’t even see it happening until it was too late,” he continued. “At first I just stuck to the plan, but the more I heard him talk about all the toxins and chemicals in food and how they were slowly poisoning us, the more I obsessed about what I was eating, and the more I cut out of my diet.”

“Is that why you didn’t come home for Thanksgiving that year?” I asked.

He nodded. “I knew I wouldn’t be able to hide that I wasn’t eating, so I figured it was better to just stay on campus so I’d be safe.” He huffed out a bitter laugh. “I passed out during a team workout the week everyone came back. One minute I was doing a set of presses, and the next my spotter was shouting for help and fighting to keep the bar from crushing me.”

“Jesus,” I breathed, my chest tightening with fear. “You were bench pressing?”

He nodded and looked up, finally meeting my gaze. “I don’t even want to think about what would have happened if Khaled hadn’t been there or if he hadn’t caught the bar in time.”

“Please tell me they fired that asshole nutritionist and someone kicked his ass because what the fuck? Even I know that you have to make sure athletes eat enough. You don’t put them on a fucking diet or tell them that food is poisoning them.”

The corners of his mouth tipped up in a little smile. “They fired him, but sadly, he didn’t get his ass kicked.”

“Did anyone else get hurt because of him?” I asked. I could only imagine the damage someone in his position could do to a team of athletes.

He nodded, his smile fading. “I wasn’t the only one. Thankfully no one was seriously hurt, but it took a while to break that way of thinking and even longer to build back the muscle we all lost.”

An image of Dex at Christmas that year popped into my head, and how much smaller he’d looked. He’d told everyone it was just the stress of college and a more rigorous workout schedule and that it wasn’t a big deal. Everyone had accepted that at face value, but I’d noticed how much his eating habits had changed.

“ That’s why I care that you’re eating and why I don’t mind cooking enough for both of us. No one was looking out for me when I needed them. I sure as hell am going to look out for you.”

I opened my mouth to say something, but the words got stuck in my throat at his look. It was so intense, so…protective? It was hard to describe, but he didn’t seem angry about what happened to him, more like he was scared for me.

“Thanks,” I croaked. “I mean that. And I’m sorry that happened to you.”

He nodded.

“Does anyone know about this?”

“No one here.”

“I won’t tell, I promise.”

“I know you won’t.” He scrubbed his hand through his hair with a sigh. “So, pizza?”

“Pizza.” I nodded, grateful he’d changed the subject.

“I’ll put the order in and go pick it up. I refuse to pay for delivery when the place is literally ten minutes away.” He bent his head over his phone again.

I stood there, my mind racing with everything I’d learned about my stepbrother in the weeks I’d lived with him.

I’d spent years thinking Dex lived life on easy mode, but that wasn’t even close to the truth. He worked hard to get where he was, and he’d struggled just as much as anyone else. I just hadn’t seen it because I hadn’t wanted to.