Page 11
11
ASA
“Something smells good.” Isaac flopped down in the chair next to me and sniffed the air like a bloodhound. “Is that stir fry?”
I nodded.
“Since when do you cook?” He plucked my fork out of my hand and scooped up a healthy amount of my lunch.
I waited as he shoved the bite in his mouth and chewed. I was used to Isaac’s impulsiveness and his “sharing is caring” way of thinking when it came to food.
“Damn, that’s good.” He handed me back my fork. “You’ve been holding out on us.”
“I didn’t make it.” I stabbed the fork into a piece of chicken.
Isaac blinked at me like a confused owl. “You didn’t?”
I shook my head and popped the bite of chicken in my mouth.
“Who did?”
“My stepbrother.”
He gaped at me, his eyes rounding comically. “The one you hate?”
I nodded, ignoring the twinge of unease that churned in my stomach. I wasn’t ready to get into any of what was going on with Dex right now, or possibly ever.
“Are you sure he’s not trying to poison you?” Isaac eyed my lunch warily.
“I’m sure.” I scooped up the last bite of food. “He’s actually a really good cook.”
“But why is he cooking for you if he’s not trying to poison you?” Isaac tilted his head quizzically. “That seems hella sus for a guy who apparently hates you.”
“Yeah, funny story about that.” I finished my last bite and took my time chewing.
“Oh my god, you’re the worst,” Isaac grumbled when I was finally done. “You did that on purpose because you know how much I hate being cliffhangered.”
I shot him a grin. “Maybe.”
“Evil.” He bumped his leg against mine. “Now tell me what’s funny before I go crazy.”
“The funny thing is, I’m actually living with him right now.”
His jaw dropped like it had been unhinged.
I snickered at his bewildered expression. “I had to move in with him for a bit.”
“Why?”
I snapped the lid back on the container. “Because I got renovicted.”
“What? When?”
“A few weeks ago.”
“And I’m just hearing about this now?”
“It’s not a big deal.”
“You got evicted, and you don’t think that’s a big deal?”
“Evicted?”
Isaac and I both turned toward the doorway as Luka and Zander came into the break room together.
“Evicted?” Luka repeated, shooting Zander a look.
“Renovicted,” I corrected, my face heating uncomfortably.
“That’s why you asked me to hold on to your books,” Zander said, his dark eyes studying me.
I nodded.
“Are you okay?” Luka asked. “Where are you living?”
“I’m fine. I’m staying with my stepbrother while I look for a new place.”
“The stepbrother he hates, who makes him lunch now.” Isaac pointed to my empty container.
“It’s not a big deal.” I resisted the urge to fiddle with the fork I was still clutching, which was weird because I didn’t fiddle with things. That habit was verbally beaten out of me as a child, and the scoldings had stuck. “He made too much when he was doing his meal prep and told me to take some for my lunches so it doesn’t go to waste.”
Zander and Luka’s expressions told me they knew I wasn’t being completely honest, but I knew they wouldn’t call me on it. Dex had said that, but I highly doubted he’d accidentally made double the amount of food that he needed by accident.
This wasn’t the first time he’d offered me his “extra” food since the night he’d asked about my grocery shopping habits. It started with his “leftovers” at dinner last week, and last night, I found a stack of containers on my side of the fridge with a sticky note on them saying he’d accidentally made too much and I should take the extras for lunch so they didn’t go to waste.
Freezers were a thing, and Dex was one of those guys who weighed his portions and meticulously planned everything he ate to make sure he was hitting his macros or whatever the fuck athletes tracked. The odds of him accidentally making enough to feed both of us were slim.
But instead of getting my hackles up, the fact that he cared enough to make sure I was eating properly made my insides feel funny. No one had ever given a shit if I was eating, or what I was eating, and I wasn’t sure what to do with his concern.
Which was stupid because it had nothing to do with concern. He was just making sure I didn’t starve to death on his watch. Our parents might not like me, but they depended on me to make their lives easier, and they’d be pissed if they had to find a new errand boy and babysitter.
He was covering his ass. Nothing more, nothing less.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” Zander asked.
“I’m sure.” I glanced at the clock above the door to the shop. “I gotta get back out there.” I grabbed the container and stood. “See you in a few,” I said to Zander and Luka, who were starting their shifts in twenty minutes. “Have a good break,” I said to Isaac, then hurried over to my locker to put my stuff away.
I was just closing my locker when my phone vibrated in my pocket. Pulling it out, I checked my notifications.
Dex : I’ll send your share of the $ tonight
Opening our text thread, I typed out a reply.
Asa : K. Just getting off break now
I had no idea why I sent the second part of my text, but for some reason, I didn’t want him to think I was being dismissive with my “K,” but I couldn’t think of anything more eloquent to say in response.
Dex : will you be home at your usual time?
Asa : yeah, you?
Dex : might be a bit early, but yeah around the same time
Dex : see you then. have a good rest of your day
Asa : see you, and you too
“Holy shit, are you blushing ?”
“What? No!” Whirling around, I shoved my phone into my pocket.
“You are!” Isaac crowed excitedly. “I’ve known you for over three years, and I’ve never seen you blush.”
“I’m not blushing.”
“You might not be, but your face is.” He pointed at my cheek. “Hey, Zander. Have you ever seen Asa blush?”
I shoved his finger away, but there was no anger in the move. He wasn’t wrong. I could feel the heat on my cheeks and neck, and with my pale skin, that meant I was currently sporting my splotchy tomato look.
“Twice.” Zander gathered his long hair into a low ponytail and wrapped a hair tie around the thick strands.
Luka quickly looked away, his cheeks flushing with his own blush.
“When?” Isaac slung his arm over my shoulder and yanked me against his side.
I stumbled at the suddenness of the move but let him tuck me against his bigger body. Isaac was a tactile person by nature, and outside of getting hugs or cuddles from my little siblings, his casual touches were pretty much the only time I got any sort of human contact. Well, there was also the contact I got when I let my stepbrother fuck me on camera for money.
My cheeks flamed hotter. Why did I have to think about the cam show now? I’d spent the past four days purposely keeping that shit locked away in the back of my mind, but Dex’s text had opened the floodgates, and Isaac’s teasing was making it impossible to stem the flow of emotions coursing through me, or the memories flashing in my mind.
It wasn’t Isaac’s, or Dex’s, fault my brain was fixated on the cam show, but the timing sucked, and the last thing I needed was to be distracted while I was at work.
“When he came with us to Ralph’s for the first time,” Zander said, tucking a few locks of hair that had fallen free of his ponytail behind his ears. “We were ordering pitchers for the table, and that bartender, the one who always wears the backward ball cap, asked to see his ID.”
“I remember that.” Isaac gave me a little shake. “You were a week away from turning twenty-one, and he called you on it.”
“He didn’t just call him on it. He made Asa promise to come back on his birthday so he could serve him his first legal drink.” Zander grinned.
“He did?” Isaac shot me a curious look. “You didn’t tell me that.”
“Probably because he turned bright pink and stammered something about not being sure what his plans would be next week,” Zander said.
“When was the second time? Oh wait, was it when we went back on his actual birthday?” Isaac bumped his hip against mine. “I remember you did a birthday shot with him when you and Zander went to get the first round.” He looked at Zander. “Is that why you dragged him up to get the round? So he could get his flirt on with the hot bartender?”
A little smirk lifted the corner of Zander’s lips as he shrugged innocently.
“So did anything happen that I need to know about?” Isaac asked me, his tone telling me he was hoping for a juicy story.
“Nope. We just did the shot together, and he wished me a happy birthday.”
I was pretty sure the bartender, who still worked there, was straight. In all the times we’d gone to Ralph’s when he was on shift, I’d never seen him check out another guy or pay more attention to his male customers than he did to his female ones. He was just a friendly person who treated everyone the same, and his teasing and wanting to do my first legal drink with me had come from a friendly place, not a flirty one.
I’d never admit this to anyone, but the reason I’d gotten so flustered that night wasn’t because I thought he was hitting on me. It was because he was Dex’s carbon copy, right down to his curly hair and signature backward ball cap. They were also the same height and had similar body types. Even their features were eerily alike, and other than Dex having hazel eyes and the bartender’s being dark brown, they could be mistaken for brothers.
Seeing Dex’s doppelg?nger had thrown me for a loop, and now that I was over it, I liked going to Ralphs’ because he treated us all like regulars, and I got to spend the night checking him out guilt free.
“So why are you blushing now?” Isaac asked, not letting it go.
“No reason,” I said, managing to keep my tone casual.
“If you say so.” Isaac pulled his arm from my shoulders and gave my ass a quick slap. “Get to work, slacker.”
“Aye, aye.” I shot him a little smirk as he laughed, then headed into the shop to finish my shift.
I just needed to keep my head in order for the next few hours so I didn’t end up hurting myself or someone else because I was too distracted to pay attention to my job.
I got the notification that the money from our cam show was deposited into my account about five minutes after I got home, which didn’t help with my distraction.
I’d managed to not think about Dex or the cam show for the rest of my shift, but now that I was home and had nothing but time, I couldn’t stop thinking about them.
We made over a thousand dollars each, and we’d been on cam for less than ninety minutes. I still couldn’t believe people had paid us that much just to watch us fuck on cam, but the massive dent the cash would make in paying down my credit card didn’t lie.
Things hadn’t been weird around the apartment, and that was weirding me out. Dex was acting like nothing happened, but he was also being different. Like the whole cooking for me thing and how our texts were more like conversations and not just asking questions and giving each other one-word answers.
The whole cam show was messing me up, but not because I’d gotten naked on the internet or let a bunch of strangers watch me get fucked for cash. Nope, that didn’t bother me at all.
It was how the show had gone down that was fucking with my head. I’d expected it to be weird and awkward, and a part of me was convinced it would be a chore for him. That he’d go through the motions to get it done so we could get paid.
I hadn’t expected him to be so…nice.
I knew Dex wasn’t an asshole, and he’d never purposely hurt me or treat me like a thing to use, but his care and consideration when he prepped and entered me hadn’t helped my confusion.
Neither had how into it he’d gotten. He enjoyed touching me and liked when I touched him. And he wanted to blow me.
I assumed I’d be putting my mouth on him because he was the top and his viewers would want to see that, but he asked to do me first without any prompting or tips. And he enjoyed it.
All that was confusing enough, but what had really thrown me off was kissing him. I hadn’t expected it to affect me so much, and it was weird that my first kiss wasn’t just with my stepbrother, but that it had happened on cam because someone paid us to do it. That should have cheapened the moment and made it just another part of the show, but it had rocked me to my very core. And I still wasn’t over the second kiss when he grabbed me after I blew him.
Was that just how Dex was when he had sex, and it had nothing to do with me? Or was I so inexperienced I couldn’t tell the difference between genuine heat and him playing things up for the camera?
But that didn’t explain why I’d gotten so into it. Why I’d been so eager to touch and tease him. Or why I’d almost forgotten we were on cam at all, and why I couldn’t stop thinking about doing it again.
I already knew Dex and I were compatible thanks to that night four years ago, but that had been a completely different experience. And it had nothing to do with the camera and everything to do with the headspace we’d been in.
That night hadn’t been about tender touches and whispered words. It was about getting off and nothing more.
The smart thing would be to forget it ever happened and never speak of it again. But every fiber of my being wanted a repeat, and the really fucked up part was that it wasn’t because of the money.
I wanted to be with him again because it felt good. Because he made me feel special and seen and because he was the only person I’d ever wanted to have sex with.
I’d spent years trying to figure out my sexuality and still wasn’t sure where I fell on the spectrum. I was exclusively attracted to men, so I identified as gay, but my attraction didn’t usually extend to wanting to sleep with them or even mess around with them.
I liked looking at men, and I enjoyed fantasizing about them, but that was it. I’d never wanted a boyfriend, wasn’t interested in going on dates, and never felt like anything was missing from my life for not wanting what everyone else did.
I figured I was aromantic, and possibly ace, but ace didn’t feel right either. I had a high sex drive and probably jerked off more than most guys, but I didn’t really have the urge to do stuff with other people. I didn’t hook up often, and not at all in the past two years, but that wasn’t necessarily because I wasn’t interested in sex.
I wasn’t the most open person, and after a lifetime of being bullied, I had trouble trusting people’s intentions and letting myself be vulnerable in front of anyone.
I also had trouble shutting my brain down when I was feeling any sort of anxiety or when I was uncomfortable, and the constant stream of racing thoughts bouncing around in my head made it impossible to focus enough to do more than hope my body remembered what to do when my head was off in the stratosphere.
That was why I slept with Dex four years ago. I wanted to see if I could, if I’d enjoy it because I knew him. I didn’t like him, but I trusted him. Even with all the fumbling that I now knew came from two gay sex virgins getting it on for the first time, I’d been able to fully let go and be in the moment.
That had never happened with anyone else I tried to hook up with, which was why Dex was still the only guy I’d slept with. Now that I knew the first time hadn’t been a fluke and it really was that good with him, it was like my desire to have sex had woken up after a four-year hibernation, and I couldn’t stop thinking about it—or wanting to do it again.
And the worst part was I had no idea where Dex’s head was at or what he was thinking. He hadn’t mentioned doing another show, and he hadn’t been all that eager when people asked if we were going to cam together again.
Blowing out a breath, I leaned my head back against the wall and tried to shut my brain down for a while. I was thinking in circles, and ruminating about the past and about things I couldn’t have was just going to stress me out even more.
I needed to do something to distract myself, but my thoughts were so scattered I couldn’t concentrate on anything. I’d already spent most of my lunch break looking for apartments and highly doubted there was an influx of affordable listings in the past few hours. Trying again would just be pointless and frustrating, and I really didn’t need that right now.
I tried writing, which was my usual way of processing things and shutting my brain down so I could escape my thoughts and life, but I gave up after writing and deleting the same paragraph eleven times. I also tried editing, hoping that would be easier since I didn’t have to actually create anything and could just focus on the structure of the words, but I also abandoned that after going back and forth on whether to keep a single comma for almost fifteen minutes before just leaving it in.
Reading wasn’t working because my mind kept wandering, and I gave up on watching something when I got bored while browsing the titles in Dex’s streaming services and had to start over, only to get bored and lose interest again. I wasn’t a gamer and had no idea how to use his system, so that ruled that out, and I had no one I could talk to or text to try and pass the time.
Beep. Beep. Beep .
Grabbing my phone off the mattress, I checked my notifications.
Dex : are you home?
Was it weird that both Dex and I called his apartment my home? I didn’t live here; I was just crashing in his den until I found a new place. But calling it home didn’t feel weird, and he obviously felt the same. Maybe it was because his apartment felt more like a home than any of the places I’d lived since I moved out.
Dex wasn’t some design guru or anything, but he’d put effort into making his apartment look like a cohesive, welcoming space. His furniture was obviously inexpensive, but it didn’t look cheap, and the little personal touches like candles and embroidered pillows and framed art prints on the walls made the space homey.
I’d never had a place big enough to bother trying to furnish with anything other than what I could thrift, and I’d never had the extra cash to buy decorations or any sort of personalized stuff to display.
Dex didn’t have a pile of debt like I did. Personal trainers weren’t exactly rolling in dough, but he made decent money at the gym, and he was responsible with his money. Plus, he was apparently saving what he made camming so he wouldn’t have to work as much when he started his program in the fall.
Those were just a few of the differences between us. Dex was an adult who had his shit together. I was cosplaying one and barely keeping my head above water.
Not wanting to let those thoughts dig in too deep, I opened our text thread so I could answer him.
Asa : yeah
Asa : why?
I cringed a bit. That why sounded bitchy for no reason.
Dex : I wanted to run something by you before I got home so you’d have a chance to think about it
Asa : okay, shoot
Dex : what would you think about doing another show this friday?
I gaped at my phone as a weird flutter exploded in my chest and stomach. Of all the things I expected him to say, that wasn’t even on my list of possibilities.
Dex : I think it would be smart to do it right away if we’re going to do it at all
Dex : strike while the iron is hot or whatever the saying is
Dex : you don’t have to answer now. Think about it and let me know later
I barely finished reading his text before I started typing out my reply
Asa : I think that’s a good idea
Asa : were your viewers saying anything about it on Saturday?
We hadn’t talked about the show at all other than to discuss how much we made and when Dex would cash out his tokens and send me my share. I assumed his audience enjoyed it, considering how much money we made, but I had no idea if most of the tips had come from his regulars or just randoms who happened to stumble on his room.
Dex : they wouldn’t shut up about it lol
Dex : I spent the whole show talking about it and trying to describe it to them. I wish I had your talent with words because I could have made so much more $ if I was a writer like you
My cheeks heated, and another weird feeling settled in my stomach. Dex knew that writing was my thing, like football was his, but he’d never read any of my stuff. No one had, and most people brushed it off as just another one of my many quirks when they found out.
My friends at work were the only ones who’d ever shown me any sort of support and encouragement, and hearing Dex call me a writer affected me way more than it probably should.
Asa : you think they enjoyed it?
I chewed on the corner of my lip, not sure why I’d written that. Why did I care if they liked watching us? They already paid us. That was the only thing that mattered.
Dex : oh yeah
Dex : they were feral for it, and some of my regulars sent me requests asking if they could buy custom content with us in it
Asa : really? Do you think they were serious?
Dex told me he didn’t make content because it wasn’t worth the time or energy but mentioned he’d consider it if there was enough demand for custom videos. From what I’d learned after doing some cursory research, custom videos were where the money was since most cammers charged by the minute, and the rates went up the more specific the requests were.
Dex : some definitely were
Asa : are you still at work?
Dex : just got off and am about to take a shower
A vision of Dex texting in a generic locker room in nothing but a towel popped into my head, and my dick went half hard.
Asa : do you want to talk more about this when you get home?
Dex : yeah, I have a few ideas I want to go over, but text isn’t the place to do that
Asa : okay, I’ll see you then
Dex : see you soon
I waited until my screen went dark, then tossed my phone back onto the camping mattress, my head spinning with a new mess of thoughts.
I was going to cam again with Dex in three days, and my excitement had nothing to do with making money and everything to do with him.